“Fifty Shades of Grey” and Learning about Dominance/submission

No, I still have not read the book Fifty Shades of Grey. (I am working my way through Neal Stephenson’s The Baroque Cycle currently, and so it will be some time before I get to any other novels.) I have been reading about it, however.

I am a bit dismayed by how many articles seem to be about how horrible it is that anyone might enjoy a story about a woman submitting in a BDSM relationship. The basic jist of most of them is that because women are now free to choose how they experience and express their sexuality, they should never choose to read a book like Fifty Shades of Grey. And worse than that, these articles pretty much say any woman who reads and enjoys it is wrong and ungrateful for the feminist/sexual revolution. To which I say, stop trying to subjugate women to your personal worldview.

Anyway, one or two articles brought up a more important issue. Some are arguing that the book’s presentation of BDSM does not accurately or well represent a healthy BDSM relationship. I would argue most romance novels do not present examples of healthy relationships, but I doubt anyone reading them expects they would. That said, to misrepresent BDSM could be potentially more harmful.

As I understand it, the book Fifty Shades of Grey and its sequels basically tell a sort of Beauty and the Beast tale, wherein the woman tames the man’s inner troubled soul by her love. Which is a nice fantasy. But such a thing rarely if ever works out that way in real life. And adding in BDSM can set a person up to be subjected to some serious abuse.

Let’s be honest. A lot of the guys claiming to be Dominants are pretty much in it for the chance to, in one form or another, punish women. And those guys are generally not interested in long-term meaningful healthy relationships. A woman thinking she can tame such a fellow may or may not do so, but along the way, she is going to suffer a whole heck of a lot. This is not healthy.

Also, to be clear, not all Dominance/submission relationships are or have to be BDSM relationships. There is no rule that says if you want to submit you also have to be into whips and bondage.

A healthy relationship, D/s or BDSM or vanilla, is built on trust and honesty and communication. (Yes, love should be there too, but not all D/s relationships start there.) And as important as such things are in a normal relationship, they are doubly important in a D/s relationship. All the whippings and spankings and bondage toys in the world will not result in a healthy relationship if there is not an abundance of trust and honesty and communication. And even in a D/s and/or BDSM relationship, if both participants are not benefiting then there is something wrong and eventually the relationship will break down.

So even if the book Fifty Shades of Grey sparks an interest for you in BDSM or D/s, please please please read more about it before you go looking for a Dominant (or a submissive). I do not want to stop any woman from exploring her submissive nature, but do not use that exploration as an excuse to be careless. Sure, BDSM games can be sensual, erotic and fun. But placing yourself in the hands of the wrong Dominant (or Dominatrix) can get you seriously hurt physically, emotionally and mentally.

So be careful. Remember, being a submissive does not mean you get to stop thinking altogether. Be smart about it. Take your time. Do it with the right person for the right reasons, and it can be a beautiful, enlightening and uplifting thing.

7 Responses to ““Fifty Shades of Grey” and Learning about Dominance/submission”

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  5. Thankyou for sharing your information based on your experience. I am brand new to being single after 20 years and I am new to bdsm. There are some scary people out there that go beyond kinky and can cross the line into abuse. People have the right to decide what they want to do but girls should be very careful. People are not always what they seem and I pray that my heart and soul made the right decision with my owner for he has me, all of me. Thanks for sharing hope my future is what I dream it will be.

  6. I indicate, when you spend nearly every day of your life hiding your real self from the world, you actually begin to feel negatively about yourself and your future.

  7. Neko-chan Says:

    I’m quite new to this BDSM stuff and I’m not trying to sound bad or anything… but… I don’t really like Fifty Shades of Grey and not because of the BDSM scenes or the nature of the main character’s relationship, no, what I don’t like of this book is that IT SUCKS as a book.

    I like the male character… Grey, he’s quite upfront with his feelings and during the saga appears to learn more about himself and evolve to become a better lover, person and eventual life partner. Now Ana on the other side… she’s a child! bland, with no presence, no major goals or life, its just as bland as the female character in Twilight (whatever her name was) which is boring for me, I simply cannot relate to this girl and we even have the same age… it’s so LAME. I mean Grey has his issues and all but at least he acknowledges them at some point and grows from them and the input his love for Ana has in his life, but Ana? by the end of the saga she’s still the same obnoxious brat she was from the begining; the least she could’ve done would’ve been to embrace her true nature and either accept Grey and grow up or leave Grey forever.

    I actually wonder what is there to love in someone so… pointless?

    Anyway… for a light reading to get your kink up a little it’s good… and maybe to pass the time and read something different it would be an option but to take any of that as a “good book”… naaah… I would say it’s not even a good idea to read it to learn about BDSM, it would probably lead you to take some poorly thought out decisions.

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