Fear of Being a Dominant

After I finished my previous post, the ideas were still simmering in my mind. And the obvious thought occurred to me that there is some fear associated with being Dominant.

As much as our culture tells women to be strong and independent, it also tells men that being dominant is okay with lot of things but never women. Men who are dominant in a relationship are generally equated with spouse abusers and sexual predators. Certainly almost any depiction of BDSM in popular culture is of a man or men submitting to a Dominatrix. If a man is depicted as a Dominant with a woman submitting to him, the man is usually a criminal. If he is not, the feminist pundits come out in force to denounce it, as they have for the Fifty Shades of Grey book.

As a Dominant whose friends are mostly not in the D/s scene, I know there are things I cannot say among them. I have to watch my words when they discuss relationship matters. I cannot say anything that might suggest a D/s approach to a situation. That is difficult sometimes. When one couple started having marital problems, I wanted to tell the guy to step up and take charge, and the woman to relax and be more supportive. But that would not have helped them.

But there is a deeper fear for me as a Dominant. And it has to do with trust. Accepting a submissive makes me vulnerable. I am letting someone see the more secret parts of my nature and my thoughts. The things I would never say to anyone else, the submissive may hear. What I do in private when I am, for example, angry, the submissive may see. But more than that, I have a responsibility because of the trust placed in me by the submissive. As a Dominant, I have to be as respectful of that trust as I expect the submissive to be toward me. And that requires communication.

For me there is a fear that I will forget my responsibility. As Dominant, I have the authority in the relationship. And people with authority forget their responsibility all the time. I have a responsibility to listen and to communicate my expectations clearly. I have a responsibility to be wise and steady. I have a responsibility to care for the physical, mental and emotional well-being of my submissive. If I lose sight of that, I will be abusing my authority, and the relationship will rot and eventually collapse.

That can seem like a lot for a person to take on. Which is perhaps why most men who play at being Dominants only play. But I am not a Dominant sometimes. And no offence to some, but I am not a Dominant only in the bedroom. (If you only do D/s in the bedroom, I am not criticizing you. I am just saying that is not who I am.) I am a Dominant all the time. It is my nature. I cannot not be a Dominant. I can hide it when I need to, but I do not stop being one. I cannot stop it any more than I can stop being a human. No, I do not treat all my friends as submissives. I would not have any friends if I did. I am just saying, this is who I am. It carries its responsibilities and fears, but that is part of life. Kind of like my being libertarian, those who can handle it know, and those who cannot do not.

This post got way more personal than I originally intended. But I am going to leave it this way.

There is something else I should say. Being a good Dominant requires self-knowledge. Examine yourself, if you think you are a Dominant. Ask the hard questions. Why do you think you are? What will you do when you do not get your way? Can you accept that being a Dominant means being a leader and all that entails? Can you pay attention to your submissive so you know her better than she knows herself? Examine your thoughts. Examine your desires. Know who you are and what you want. Know too that while being a submissive should lead your submissive to be the best person she can be, being a Dominant should push you to be the best person you can be. 

Remember, even Dominants always have something new to learn. 

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