Thoughts on Dominant/submissive Relationships (part 1, addendum)

In the immediately previous post I spoke of the need for communication between a Dominant and his submissive. As a follow up to that, I direct your attention to a post at the blog missysubmits(sometimes). Here is a snippit:

So the silent treatment is a good thing. To him. I am still a sub and it still f—s with me. Not to mention a human being.

Expletive edited by me for those who may not be prepared to read it.

The silent treatment, as she calls it, can be a tool of communication. Many Dominants are naturally quiet and a lack of verbal reply seems natural. But the submissive in this instance did the right thing. She communicated with her Dominant about it. The answer she got was not one that pleased her, but she has an explanation now. And in this case, as in many cases within a D/s relationship, the submissive’s understanding is not required, merely her acceptance.

11 Responses to “Thoughts on Dominant/submissive Relationships (part 1, addendum)”

  1. Silence, and all that it may or may not imply, speaks at a much higher volume than any words. Many submissives will “misbehave” in order to be punished, which is what they wanted all long. Indifference is a powerful tool in the Dominant’s box of toys.

  2. missysubmits Says:

    Interesting that my husband and I were used as an example in your blog. (I am actually a little flattered for whatever that is worth). The most trying part of our D/s relationship is the communication aspect. My husband served in Iraq and has PTSD. Often he keeps things bottled in. In the past, this has lead to violent outbursts because of his inability to communicate his needs to me and the people around him. As his wife, I have to find ways to communicate with him, but on his terms. I started my blog so that he would know the contents of my head, but when he is ready to sit down and read (listen) to those thoughts. I have some experience with two other Doms, both online. With them the ‘silent treatment’ has been a purposeful tool used to communicate to me when they are not happy with my behavior or words. I try to pay attention to such things. When a man is in control of his himself and his actions are done with intention, then it behooves me to take notice when I am being ‘pushed back’ and try to self exam. It is uncomfortable to be ‘pushed back’, but failure leads to success. My husband is in the early stages of finding his inner Dom and learning to Dom me. We are at a point where communication is critical. It is one thing to use silence as a tool to direct a sub with intention, but that should be differentiated from someone who uses silence as a defense mechanism because of low self esteem. If you have any advice on how I can work towards increasing communication with my husband in a way that supports the D/s relationship we are trying to build together I would be very receptive to your hearing your thoughts.

    Missy

    • I would suggest that you work on patience and ways of non-verbal communication. I know one thing I like when I am in a mood to be silent is for the sub to quietly make her presence known. Perhaps you can work out a quiet code for those times when you have something to ask or to say. Perhaps you put your head on his feet or silently sit beside him with your head against his arm. You will still have to be patient and wait for him to acknowledge you, but you will be showing respect for his desire for silence.

      And given your situation, I would suggest that you learn to sit with some part of you touching him. In my very limited learning about ways people with PTSD are helped, it my understanding that simply the person sitting quietly with someone or a pet in physical contact can be an aid. Also, you might look into one of the programs where solders and marines with PTSD get help in the form of training a dog.

      One other thing I can think of that you might try, and this could be difficult for you, is to ask your husband to come up with tasks and/or bondage situations that are intended to teach you patience. This would indicate willingness on your part to be patient with him and your continued desire to be his sub. Also, if he agrees to it, it will help him engage in the process of being a Dominant and training you.

      I hope this helps in some way.

  3. missysubmits Says:

    Yes it does. I will need to mull it over for a time before I can properly respond, but yes I will try these things. Patience is not my strong point. He does not know how to train me. I am not trying to speak poorly of him, he just does not know where to start. I have asked him for rules and he won’t give me any. I have to attempt to manage myself in the ways that I can. Recently I took down most of my blog, the parts that made it ‘me’ and gave him the password so I would spend less time on it. I am glad to be able to do these things for myself when I can, but it is difficult for a submissive woman.

    • The dog training for former military with PTSD may serve a double purpose then. Some have argued that training a submissive is much like training a dog. But above all, be patient. Dealing with PTSD and trying to figure out how to be a Dominant is going to be a lot to handle. Continue to to show your husband loyalty and submission and love, and you will be laying a foundation for improvement for both of you.

  4. I’m a bit new to the whole dom/sub lifestyle. Anyway, I recently met a girl that I am starting to dom. She is submissive by nature so we tend to get along. However she is dealing with some PTSD issues. I have always been attracted to chicks that have issues. I guess I just like trying to fix broken things/people. (I don’t know why though, I haven’t been successful yet. :P) Yet I can’t help but think with a little bit of guidance and a firm hand she might be able to overcome some of this. (If she is willing.)

    At the moment I’m still gauging the situation to see if it’s even worth attempting. Any thoughts on this?

    • You should be very careful in trying to help someone overcome PTSD. It requires a great deal of patience and care. Possibly bondage may help her, but that is something you and she would have to work out together. Do some research into PTSD treatment. And remember, she is not just a problem to solve, but a person. You will have to get to know her deeply and intimately as a person if you truly want to help her.

      • Thank you Xajow, I’ll definitely take that under advisement. Do you know of any resources pertaining to dom/sub and dealing with issues like PTSD?

        Anyway I’m reading up on what I can do and gently trying to push her to talk so I can better understand the situation. It’s taken a little work but she has started opening up about it. I plan on using a gentle hand when it comes to this matter.

        I’ll keep you updated.

        • Unfortunately, no, I am not aware of resources for using D/s in dealing with PTSD.

          As a side note, be more careful about revealing personal details here. I know this is not the world’s most popular blog, but this is still a public forum.

          Anyway, as I understand it something which helps some people with PTSD is having and training a pet. I do not know if that would help your sub, but it may be something for you to consider.

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