Thoughts on Dominant/submissive Relationships (part 2)

I am prompted to the second part (for the first part, click this link) of this series by two different blogs. First, let’s look at the kinky one.

Kink is about Honesty. In order to be honest with our partners, we must be honest with ourselves.


Along with basic honesty about what we want, we gotta be sincere about what we don’t want. This requires great thought. I’m debating and reorganizing my thoughts on this, being post-Nate. What do I want from future partners? What don’t I want?

I’ve been talking with a few dominants. Hearing what they want is helping me reorganize my thoughts. The thing is, I used to be a submissive that would look at what a Dom wants and think, “How can I make myself want that?” Now, if I’m not into something, I kinda think, “Eh. Fuck that.” So how sub am I, really?

Anyway. Point being, honesty rules.

That was found at the blog of Sadey Quinn. Now let’s look at the non-kinky one.

What makes you happy?


7) Being who I am makes me happy.  I am compassionate, empathetic, kind and caring.  I want to help change the world for the better and every day I seek new knowledge because there is an abundance that can be learned and I want to take in as much as I possibly can.

That was found at the blog of Diane Owens.

You are saying, that is nice and all, but what does that have to do with anything about D/s relationships? (Okay, maybe you did not say that, but play along anyway.) In the first installment of this series, I talked about being honest. The Dominant should be honest with the submissive, and the submissive should be honest with Dominant. Oh, you say, as you start to see where I am going. Yes, I say, you also need to be honest with yourself. But I also want to say that to get the most happiness out of a relationship, you should be happy with yourself.

One of my favorite quotes from Shakespeare, and one of the most misunderstood, is this: 

This above all: to thine ownself be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

That is from the play The Tragedy of Hamlet, Prince of Demark. Many people take the “to thine ownself be true” part and think this means to do whatever you want. They are incorrect. Worse than that, they are wrong. Take the whole quote in context, and what it means is basically this: be honest with yourself and you will have integrity in your dealings with other people. When you are true to yourself—when you are honest with yourself about who you are and what you want—you will not be false to others—you will be honest and true with others.

What this requires is a certain amount of self-examination. Not of the body but of the mind and the soul. So what then, you ask, am I suppose to sit around thinking about myself? Maybe, I reply. Or maybe you have a blog. Or maybe you have a journal. However you do it, set time aside to think about who you are and what you want. Having a blog or a journal works well because then you are working through the filter of communication, which forces your mind to sort and consider as you make the words appear. But sometimes, yes you probably should take time to sit down and think about yourself. Stop watching movies and reading books and listening to music and running about doing this or that. Just stop, be alone and think. Take a deep breath and exhale slowly, and take some time to think.

When you know yourself better, being honest with yourself is easier. And when you are honest with yourself being happy with yourself is easier. And when you are happier with yourself, and honest with your Dominant or submissive, your relationship will be better.

I know in D/s circles we talk about things like sub-space and Dom-space, wherein the person reaches a sort of mental and spiritual plateau away from all distractions. It is a mental space of almost not thinking. Everything is immediate and clear and instinctual. But we do not get to stay there. What are you driving at now, you ask. I believe knowing yourself, being honest with yourself makes getting to that place easier. Right now I am reminded of a scene in the movie “The Mission.” The missionary (I think, but I have not seen it in a long time, so forgive me if I am mistaken) is climbing up a cliff or a waterfall, and he carrying a huge bag of stuff with him. A local native fellow comes along and cuts the bag away to that the missionary can more easily reach the top. (You may now insert your own missionary position joke here.) The point being, shedding the things that hold us back from sub-space or Dom-space is easier when we start with less baggage.

Also, when we are honest with ourselves, being honest with the other person in the relationship is easier. It makes saying “I want this because…” or “that is a limit because…” easier because what we know and have thought about is easier to communicate than that about which we are unsure or afraid to consider.

Dominants, I would hope, should have no problem with this. Knowing what we want and why should be important to us already. But I can imagine some submissives out there thinking all this contemplation and self-knowledge seems like a huge burden. So slow down for a moment. Take a deep breath. You do not have to get yourself all figured out in one afternoon. In all truth, you will probably never get yourself all figured out. What I have been talking about is just a portion of the journey. As you live and experience things, particularly within a D/s relationship, you will learn things about yourself you did not know before. Knowing yourself is a gradual process. You do not have to be perfect at it. No one is. And you do not have to do this by yourself. Part of your Dominant’s job is to lead you to a better understanding of yourself. Breathe deep, submissives, and relax. You can do this.

Gosh, you say, Xajow, you are such a brilliant man. Yes, I reply, I know.

But seriously, we are all, Dominants and submissives alike, hopefully on a path of becoming better people. Taking the time to be honest with ourselves, not just about what we want but also about what we do not know, will help us get there. And this is, I think, important to the D/s relationship.

Gosh, you say, Xajow, you sure are garrulous, and we were just kidding about the brilliant part. Yeah, I say, I know.

3 Responses to “Thoughts on Dominant/submissive Relationships (part 2)”

  1. I like this post.

    One thing I’d like to point out is in regards to: “Dominants, I would hope, should have no problem with this. Knowing what we want and why should be important to us already.”

    It’s my impression that a lot of dominants, particularly dominant men, do actually struggle with this. They may know what they want, but they might not understand why. And there is guilt that goes along with wanting to dominate a woman, especially in today’s society.

    Just a thought. Thanks for reading my post and including it in this interesting essay.

    • Excellent point. I did not mean to imply that Dominants would find it easy. Your comment brings up something important about the struggle to be a Dominant in our society. This requires another (possibly lengthy) post, but not today. I need some beer.

    • Outstanding observation Sadey. The first time Leigh & I explored spanking seriously she woke up with her ass looking like a leper’s. I was mortified. I was wrestling with decades of the societal conditioning you speak of, yet had these urges and feelings to want to blistering her backside, along with other things. I have since, with Leigh’s love, help & desire to explore her desires, made huge strides in my abilities, sensibilities and overall attitude.

      Now I have the slapping fantasy. I honestly don’t know how I will react when the iron is hot and the moment right. She has given hr blessing to it, but we will see.

      On her end, she wrestles with admitted hesitation, fear, disgust, etc. over her ability to ejaculate. In gallons. She simply cannot let go and enjoy. We are working past her own set of internal rules on this.

      The journey has just begun…

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