What Does a Submissive Get from a D/s Relationship?

One of the searches showing up on my WordPress blog dashboard is (yes, you guessed it) “what does a submissive get from a D/s relationship”. That is probably a question better answered by submissives, but what the heckity darn, I’ll give it a try.

First, what sort of submissive are we talking about? Someone who submits only in the bedroom? Someone who submits 24/7? Someone in between? I think the submissive looking to inform her expectations from a D/s relationship needs to consider this issue.

For someone who is submissive only in the bedroom, there is probably a lot of exciting pleasure for you in a D/s relationship. Also, if The Dom Next Door is any indication, it can be a big boost for romantic intimacy. And I suspect you will learn things about your sexual desires you did not know before.

For someone who is ready to be submissive more than just in the bedroom, but is not quite ready to commit to a full time submission, you will begin a journey of self discovery. You will learn about not just your sexual desires, but your desires in other areas. You will learn about yourself in ways non-submissives will not learn about themselves. You will find what you think will be limits, and you know the fear and excitement and satisfaction of moving past them. In conversations with various subs, I have noticed one thing that they seem to have in common is the pleasure they derive from having a Dominant learn about them. And if your Dominant is any good, you will be pushed in ways that will help you reevaluate your perception of yourself. As you learn to obey, as you learn to relinquish control in certain areas, there will be (in various levels of combination) satisfaction, pain, doubt, surprise, disappointment, sadness, pleasure, laughter, tears, guilt, forgiveness, joy and happiness. You will also experience intimacy with your Dom at a level above that which any vanilla relationship can have on its own.

For someone who desires to be in a 24/7, full time D/s relationship, you will get all of that, only more intensely. Give yourself over to it completely, and it will surround you even when your Dom is not with you. As soon as you learn something about yourself, you will be confronted with another. You will find yourself letting go of things you thought were important, and thereby being paradoxically liberated by your submission. You will find a kind of equality in your relationship that will confound those who do not understand what D/s is about. For within the full time D/s relationship you will find freedom to be yourself and find that you are respected for who you are even as you respect your Dominant for who he is. For those without understanding, it will seem impossible. But for you, it will seem as natural and as obvious and as necessary as breathing.

Now perhaps you, submissive, are reading this and thinking it seems a little too general. Well, you are an individual. I cannot explain fully what you will get from a D/s relationship because I do not know you. No one can tell you everything you will get from a D/s relationship. This is why I will talk about and emphasize over and over again that learning about yourself is one of the most important parts of the D/s relationship. While you share qualities with other submissives, you are a unique individual. Also, your Dom is (even if you have not met him yet) a unique individual. How you experience and learn and grow within a D/s relationship will be, in its details, unique to you and your relationship with your Dom.

Hope that helps. Feel free to pose questions in the comments.

9 Responses to “What Does a Submissive Get from a D/s Relationship?”

  1. I liked this post immensely because my sub and and I were just talking about this, she is discovering herself and I am discovering new things about myself right along with her. We will not place it in a box or confine it to one standard or another, other than to say it is a D/s relationship.
    The wants, needs, desires of both parties shape how the relationship evolves and that is different for each Dom and sub.
    Nicely answered 🙂

    • Thank you. And I agree that a D/s relationship involves self-discover for the Dominant too. One of the best features of a D/s relationship is way it helps both the Dom and sub understand more about themselves in ways a vanilla relationship simply does not explore.

      • You are welcome.
        Couldn’t agree more….before the relationship even begins all the cards are on the table. Not to say that, as in any relationship, someone may be dishonest, but at least the conversation is had and little is left to the wondering mind.

  2. thedreamingsub Says:

    It sounds wonderful. 🙂

  3. It has opened new doors and reopened old windows long painted shut. Many of the married D/s blogs on WP echo this. Read theme and its as if one of us could have written the others.

  4. The most beautiful thing about taking the journey is that both learn together and grow together, especially if it’s a committed relationship. I know myself better and am more confident. I am also not afraid to ask for help now. I know that sounds weird to some, but many subs are accomplished and some of us are very take charge people in the outside world. In our D/s life we need guidance and support. I am empowered to speak up and can admit that I don’t understand or simply do not know. The pressure to NEVER admit that in my vanilla world is suffocating at times.

  5. samantha Says:

    I am having the most amazing exsperence of a life time and I am in a very rewarding healthy relationship. Like i have said I am new to this so each post I read i can personalize it. Learning to let go, the emotional roller coaster ride to better myself that my dom is helping me through. The amazing way we are getting to know each other and how wonderful I feel when he does those little things like saying * good girl* I truly melt. The level we are opening up to each other. It is hard rewarding work emotionally gut wrenching at times for me. I have a very hard time talking about my feelings. I am getting pretty good at it. I am so glad this site is here, it is helping me as well. So thank you very much for taking the time to do the writing that you do.

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