What to Say When Being Dominant

An interesting search phrase popped up recently in my WordPress blog dashboard. The search phrase is “things to say when being Dominant”.

I am not entirely sure how to take that. I would argue a genuine Dominant is a Dominant all the time. Not that a Dominant orders people about all the time, just that being a Dominant is not something is sometimes and other times not. However, the search phrase is not “things to say when being a Dominant”, but merely “things to say when being Dominant”. And there is a difference. As a Dominant, if I am a position where someone has more authority than I do, for example at a job or a part of a committee or when dealing with a police officer, I am still a Dominant but in such a situation I am not the one in the position of dominance.

And of course, there are those who do D/s only part time. Also there are those who are just starting to learn about Dominance and how it works and how to act as a Dominant.

I am not going to make a list or words and/or phrases. Maybe some other site will have some kind of list of things to say, but to me such a list would only be useful if you intend to playact being Dominant. I have no interest in encouraging that.

I have found the exact wording of what is said is often less important than how it is said. Dominants should speak with confidence. Not arrogance, mind you, but confidence. Sometimes this can be difficult. I know. I was reared to respect women always, and I have had thrown at me most of my life the whole “patriarchy is bad” and “men can’t just order women about” blah blah blah. That can be a little difficult to overcome when starting out as a Dominant. But speaking as a Dominant requires some confidence.

Do not tell a submissive to do something timidly or meekly, as if you are making a suggestion. Give a command. Again, you do not have to be arrogant or overbearing. You should not have to yell or harangue. Simply speak clearly and with authority.

Remember, being Dominant is not about being mean, although that sometimes will happen. Being Dominant is about accepting the responsibility of being in charge. Remember too, your submissive wants you to be in charge. Even if she struggles sometimes to let go and submit fully, she wants a Dominant to be in charge. Sometimes she may challenge your Dominance, not to escape your dominance, but rather to see if you will rise to the challenge and dominate her.

Do not be afraid to show your anger, if it is genuine. Do not fake it. If all you have is bluster, you will not last. But when you are genuinely angry, express it. Am I saying beat the submissive? No, I am not. I am saying make your anger known. Speak it. Let it be heard in your voice. Let it be seen in your body language. But do not lose control of your anger. You need to be able to hold yourself in check if you expect to dominate your submissive. Your level of self-control will affect your ability to control your submissive. Remember, being Dominant is not an excuse to be mindlessly abusive. Be honest if you are angry, but be self-controlled.

Be honest also when you are disappointed. And make sure your submissive learns the difference between your disappointment and your anger. Also, try to discipline and correct from disappointment more than anger. In my experience, the submissive will fear disappointing her Dominant more than making him angry.

But I am getting a little off topic here.

When I say be confident, I mean be confident that you are Dominant. Be confident that the submissive is expected to submit. Speak your orders to the submissive as if you expect her to obey. When you grab your submissive’s hair, do not be needlessly harsh, but neither be gentle. Grab her hair like you mean to have her attention. When you discipline your submissive, speak firmly. Make clear the error, and speak as the one with authority to determine the error.

Being Dominant in how you act and in the manner and tone with which you speak are how you establish Dominance when you speak with your submissive. Do not look for magic phrases. Learn who your submissive is. Learn what she needs and what she wants and what she fears and what she loves. That will tell you what you need to say to her when you are being Dominant.

Being Dominant is not a trick. It is not a thing where you stand a certain way and speak the right words, and poof you are Dominant. It does not work that way. Being Dominant is a deep part of who you are if you are genuinely a Dominant. You find it inside you, not on a web page. Obviously you can come to place like this for advice. And you should get advice. Learn from those who have been there ahead of you. But what you say when being Dominant has to be genuine. It has to come from within, or you are not being Dominant.

If you are young and/or new to Dominance/submission, getting this right will take time. Be patient. Be self-controlled. It will come. As you do it, the better you will become. If you believe yourself to be Dominant and have gotten this far in this post, I would say your belief is probably correct. Remember that this will be a journey of self-discovery not just for your submissive, but for you as well. You will learn about yourself and find things hidden deep within that you did not know were there. This is perfectly natural. You are not alone. You are not the only one. 

One last thing to say here, because I want this to be clear. When being Dominant, speak the truth. Be honest, and be truthful. Your submissive should trust you and depend on you and fear you a little. You will get that better with truth than with lies.

11 Responses to “What to Say When Being Dominant”

  1. Butterfly Says:

    Coming to terms with my D/s self is enlightening, and it makes me a better, truer person

  2. thedreamingsub Says:

    “When being Dominant, speak the truth. Be honest, and be truthful. Your submissive should trust you and depend on you and fear you a little. You will get that better with truth than with lies.”


  3. Very well said. As a sub, I would not be able to submit to someone unless he displayed confidence and control and made the effort to learn who I am and what I need. Just like Doms should expect their subs to submit, a sub should expect these qualities from her Dom.

  4. It’s all about trust. Like that game where you stand with your back to the person, and as you fall backward, have to trust that they will catch you. I would never dive head-first into submission unless I was absolutely positive that the one to catch me would have an iron grip to save me.

  5. MaríMar Says:

    Wel said. 🙂

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