Thoughts on Dominant/submissive Relationships (part3)

Before we proceed, the links for previous installments: part 1, part 1 addendum, part 1 second addendum, part 2; and some possibly related posts: On Being a Dominant, On Being a Dominant (part 2), On Be a Dominant (part 3), What Does a Submissive Get from a D/s Relationship? Not that I expect you to read all of those first; they are just there in case you want them.

Doubt is something that can creep into any personal relationship, and D/s relationships are no different. Is she the One? Is he the One? Am I good enough? What if I ask too much? What if he doesn’t like this? What if she walks away? Does he really care for me? Does she really trust me? And on and on.

Most doubt starts and ends in your own head. It is not unhealthy to have doubts. What is unhealthy is to let doubts fester into fears and/or resentment. So how does one stop this? That is simple enough, if you let it be. Communication.

Talk to your Dominant or submissive. You do not need to be accusatory. Just be honest.

I know, I know, some of you Dominants are tsk-tsking and saying one should not show weakness to the submissive. I did not say you had to be all weepy about it. Yes, you should not go to your submissive and say “I am overcome with doubts about whether you trust me.” But that does not mean you cannot go to your submissive and say, “Let’s talk about trust.” Open the door for your submissive to talk about something in the relationship about which you have doubt, and more than likely she will tell you all you need to know. All you have to do is listen. And likely she will welcome the opportunity. Submissives like to be listened to, and they like to know their Dominants care about the relationship. So to them, you will not be showing weakness. You will be showing concern and care that will help them feel safe and secure.

Submissives, I know you want to please your Dominant at all times. So the temptation to hide your doubts can be strong. Expressing doubts can seem like questioning your Dominant, even if the doubts are about yourself. That is not an excuse to hide your doubts from your Dominant. Talk to him. Tell him your doubts honestly. Your Dominant cannot help you with your doubts until you tell him what they are. So breathe deeply and confess. It is going to be okay, because your Dominant wants to help you be the best submissive you can be, and your doubts will stand in the way of that.

Often you will find, both Dominants and submissives, that most of your doubts are unfounded. Talking about them will show them for the illusions that they are, and making them very easy to dismiss. If they are not unfounded, then talking about them will lay the foundation for learning how to make the necessary corrections. But none of that happens if you do not communicate.

There are no good reasons to hide your doubts, and every reason to talk about them. Remember, we are talking about a relationship here. A personal, one-on-one relationship that requires trust and communication and honesty to function in a healthy manner. Hiding doubts is like lying. You pretend things are fine when they are not. That is a lie. And eventually it will make the relationship rotten. So do not hold this stuff in. Get it out in the open. The sooner, the better. The relationship will be better for it, and so will you. As you learn to move past these kinds of doubts, you will learn to leave behind the thinking and actions that can cause the doubts in the first place.

5 Responses to “Thoughts on Dominant/submissive Relationships (part3)”

  1. thedreamingsub Says:

    That is very intelligent. Voicing your doubts and fears that are likely not wholly founded so you can rid yourself of them. I like that.

  2. shapeofagirl Says:

    Do you yourself have a submissive?

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