“What Makes a Person Want to Be in a Dominant/submissive Relationship”

A good question has appeared in the search terms. “What makes a person want to be in a Dominant/submissive relationship?” There are possibly as many answers to that as there are people in Dominant/submissive relationships. But I will see what I can do to provide an answer.

For myself, as a Dominant, it comes from finding something that feels right. “What is that supposed to mean?” you ask. Be patient; I will explain. When I first discovered the culture of BDSM in various forms, as a good, sheltered Christian young man I recoiled as a good, sheltered Christian young man should. But by that point, I was already less good and less sheltered than I had been just a few years before. I began to investigate BDSM and D/s and Gorean things. And as someone who, even as a sheltered Christian young man, was unhappy with the way male/female relationships seemed to work (where the woman becomes the “boss” and the man has to lie all the time to make the woman happy, e.g. “does this make my butt look fat”), I felt like I was finding something that was right. I found a culture where it was okay for a man to be dominant, to be in charge, and for a man to expect the woman to be submissive. That seemed right.

The more I looked into things, the more I began to realize that a D/s relationship is what I want. “Yes, of course you like that, you sexist, male chauvinist pig,” I can guess some of you might say. It is not about putting a woman in her place. I am not classing women as second class citizens. I fully support the right of women as individuals to determine their own lives. I view the D/s relationship as something that elevates the submissive. I even believe it is a relationship of equality.

“Wait just a cotton-pickin’ minute,” you say. “How can a relationship where the man is in charge and the woman is submissive be a relationship of equality?” Well, if the woman is inherently submissive and wants to be submit, then the Dominant is respecting her choice to submit and her inherent nature as a person, and reciprocally she respects the choice of the Dominant and his inherent nature as a person. “Yeah, but she is still submitting.” Yes. The submissive’s wishes and desires are respected. The Dominant’s wishes and desires are respected. The submissive is respected as a person. The Dominant is respected as person. The submissive serves the Dominant and is served by the Dominant. This is exactly a relationship of equality. “No, it is not. The woman is still submitting.” You said that already. It is equal in that both parties are getting what they want from it, and being treated as they want in it.

Anyway, getting back to the topic, that is what I want. I want that kind of relationship. What I discovered in my investigations into D/s helped me to understand that my nature was that of a Dominant. But what was better still was my discovery that some women are inherently submissive, and those that recognize this in themselves want a Dominant to whom they can submit.

“Yes, of course you think that, you misogynist prick.” Oh let’s not go through all that again.

There are women who feel the need to submit. The Goreans speak of it as a woman’s “slave belly”. But Goreans are more extreme than most D/s folks. Still, I think they are right that the desire to submit is something the submissive tends to feel deep in her gut. It is a need, almost like a hunger. And it is satisfied by submission to a Dominant. Not just any Dominant. Not just a casual submission, like letting someone have the right-of-way when walking down a hallway. Rather, by a committed submission to a specific Dominant who will care for her and know her and respect her and protect her.

The point of all this is to say that entering a Dominant/submissive relationship is not something one does or should do on a whim. I would also argue that there is not something which makes a person want to be in a D/s relationship. To be in a D/s relationship is a choice to which a person is led by his or her own desires and nature.

65 Responses to ““What Makes a Person Want to Be in a Dominant/submissive Relationship””

  1. I agree with all of your above statements other than “To be in a D/s relationship is a choice” because for most people that I have met in this culture or out of it don’t choose it they are born that way. Everyone is born with either a dominate or a submissive personality. Even when not practicing this culture and I believe for some their nature is just so strong they end up leading the d/s lifestyle sometimes without ever realizing they are living this way. For instance for many years my mother did everything my father wished of her. Everything from cooking exactly what and how he liked it to the cleaning exactly how he liked it and even layed out his clothing for him for the next day before she went to bed the night before. And his word was law in our home. Now she was not this way against her will. In general it made her happy to follow his wishes and make him proud. In my eyes it is an equal realationship also because both parties recieved what made them content and happy.

    • You make a very good point, and you made it well. Thank you.

      I agree that Dominant or submissive it is generally inherent in one’s nature. But some submissive women are uneasy about submission and choose not to be in a D/s relationship as such. Some Dominants too will be troubled by the idea of expecting a woman to submit, and some will choose not to be in a D/s relationship. So I believe it is a choice to enter into and be in a D/s relationship, even if some people make the choice tacitly.

      • The more I think about it you are right. Its societies fault though from birth we are taught to view things how the rest of the world views them even if it is against our gut instinct so we must choose to follow our own instincts or the paths already paved for us.

        • Yes, it is largely a fault of society, but I think that will slowly change. As submissive women begin to identify publicly as submissive and to argue against those more extreme feminist types who want to put women’s behavior in feminist approved boxes, we will begin to see a change in the attitude of society about submissiveness and D/s.

  2. As an emerging submissive I agree completely…but even I am at war with myself over the idea of submitting – regardless of how right it feels for me…

    There have been so many positive aspects of allowing myself to submit that it is easier to disregard the side that was taught that submitting means I’m no longer equal…

    I am much more cared for, cherished, loved, prized, and esteemed in a D/s relationship than I ever was in the vanilla world…and it feels natural…at the end of the day, that’s all that matters…

  3. I would enjoy being able to discuss this in depth with you. Forgive me if there is 1) already a way to contact you (I must have missed it), or 2) if you have ever stated you wish not to talk outside of this site and/or do not want to.

    • Feel free to ask questions here in comments. I am always happy to answer questions. If, at some point in the future, I feel our correspondence merits a more private conversation, I will let you know.

      • Thank you for the quick response.

        My curiosity stems from something you mentioned in the beginning…your faith. I am a Christian and have found that my spirituality and then things I have been brought up believing as right and wrong, conflict with my inner desires. It is something I have struggled with for years and am still trying to overcome and find balance in. My apologies if this is too personal or blunt, but how did you take a step back and dive into the practice and knowledge of D/s relationships? And. Are you still Christian?

        • Your main question is something I intend to address in an upcoming post, but I will briefly answer your questions here. Yes, I am still Christian. I attend church every Sunday, and have even taught a Sunday School class. I still hold to the faith; I believe every word in the Apostle’s Creed. How do I reconcile that with D/s relationships? There is nothing about having a Dominant or submissive nature that is incompatible with Christianity. There is nothing inherent in a D/s relationship that is incompatible with Christianity. That said, we humans in this culture have attached a sexual component to D/s and made it a big deal. And for many people, it the primary component of D/s (though it does not have to be). And I have written some very naughty things here that would certainly be frowned upon by the pastor of the church I attend. How do I reconcile that? I do not. I am a sinner. I am working things out. Perhaps in time I will refrain from telling naughty stories in a public forum. We Christians are all sinners. We are all working things out.

  4. Medic65 Says:

    I appreciate your point that being Dominant or submissive isn’t something we choose it is who we are from within. I didn’t choose to be in trauma care. My career chose me. It is who I am not just what I do. I provide care, I nurture etc.

  5. I am a Christian submissive wife. For those that know we are in a D/s relationship also, they know that we are first a Christian husband and wife. And we recently restarted the D/s aspect of our lives after a year long break or so. I have to say that God is using this aspect of our relationship to break down walls between us and deal with baggage/strongholds that contaminated my heart. Also, as a person previously drawn to toxic and abusive relationships I feel that if I understood my need to submit sooner I could have saved myself some pain. My husband and I negotiated the rules and rituals so I feel empowered and yet feel completely safe to surrender to him in every aspect. In many ways I feel I have his express permission and encouragement to be completely real, open, and raw. It is liberating and yet grounding. I am so blessed to have such a wonderful Sir.

  6. christina Says:

    I want a relationship like this. I have always been one to do what people say. It wasn’t out of weakness but rather to be polite. I have always wanted to please a man in every possible way but have been unsuccessful because the man doest satisfy the needs that I have. Do you think that I have it in me to be a possible sub.?

    • Of course you do. Be patient and read some blogs by other submissives. See how they got started. I am sure several of the submissives who comment here would be able to point you to posts on their blogs that would be helpful to you.

    • submissiveguide.com is a great resource

  7. Thank you! I am a Christian woman who has longed for this in a relationship. GEEZ! The Word of God speaks of this! God spoke of Eve’s desire to rule over Adam and how wrong this was for her. Not to make her less valued but it corrupts the beauty that is the female. I was brought up by a feminist. I can say my Mom was lied to and it ruin her chance for love and the feeling of protection that comes from a Dominant man (husband). It is very sad that the balance that was blessed by God has to become a sub-culture for many. I am just glad I found out about it and now I am looking for that as a forever relationship. I just hope I can find him.

  8. Intrigued Says:

    Well, I’ll never look at a male Sunday school teacher quite the same way again.
    I’d imagine finding a dominant Christian would be the proverbial needle in a hay stack. Not like you can walk in wearing a t-shirt announcing such. But, I’m pleased to know they exist.

  9. Do you think the same rules are paramount whether the Dom is male or female?

  10. Do you mind if I ask questions that are related to the woman being dominant? Or would you prefer I find a different site/blog? I enjoyed reading you blog and your view.

    • I do not mind such questions at all. That is, provided you do not mind answers from a male perspective.

      • I don’t mind a man’s perspective when the ultimate goal is a happy and content relationship in the future. Any information received is welcome.

        • Excellent reply. And in that case, I welcome your questions. I will do what I can to provide answers.

          • I’m no feminist even if a dom. And believe that lifelong learning is fun. My professor always stated that a true learning experience is being able to step back, and even if you disagree with something, try to understand and appreciate another’s opinion.

          • Your professor is a smart person.

          • I’m not sure if you have this issue of explaining or answering questions as most people think of only the more extreme parts of this lifestyle. Sometimes I need to hold my tongue and explain “no I don’t walk around in 6 inch heels wearing leather welding a whip” it’s frustrating the nature of people’s ignorance.

          • You have to keep in mind that most people have only a cursory exposure to BDSM. They see it in the movies or a TV show as women in catsuits and corsets and high heels using whips and floggers on whimpering business men. So they think that is what BDSM is. If you are really lucky, they might have seen the movie “Secretary”. And of course, the idea that anyone would choose to be in a 24/7 D/s relationship is outside the imagination of many people because that is not the way relationships work in their world. Yes, it is frustrating, but one must be patient. Generally I try to say as little possible about it to people who are not familiar with the lifestyle. Because until they are ready for it, they will not listen to what I have to say. They will hear words and make assumptions and react to their assumptions, and life is too short for that kind of frustration.

  11. Would be interesting to write a article to explain the holistic lifestyle.

  12. Crazy Bob Says:

    I think it’s a fascinating read but I disagree with the assumptions on the asker’s motive. First I am a sub, and can switch, and like to sometimes.

    Anyway, while I get your point-that you either are or you are not, or maybe closer to-you eiher have brought that out of yourself by this point in your life, or you haven’t. And on the “brought” part, don’t get that wrong-that’s where I disagree and explain here:

    First, in my book you are either a fatalist or a devoted free will person. All those in between are really fatalists-which is most people. That said, I am not, I am a free will person 100% percent, no gods, no chance, just will. Anyway, that said-everything that happens to you is due to an indirect or direct choice of action, word, or thought. Including fetishes we acquire-including my sub fetish that I would say showed itself earliest in a slowly growing foot fetish that came out around 30 full force (it was shoes much earlier-but that was due to looking down when stoned) and about 37 I discovered I was submissive.

    My point is, I am pretty sure how i got this way-due to many many bad experiences with mother, sisters and other women as a child-when most fetishes are created during early sexuality and sexual learning.

    And i think that’s what he meant-what happened that led to this fetish? And I didn’t really see anything about that

    • Welcome to Liberate One. I appreciate your considered reply. You seem to be assuming that a desire to be in a D/s relationship is a fetish. I do not believe it is a fetish. At the very least, it is not a fetish to me. Which is why I did not answer as if it was. Also, the question made no mention of D/s as a fetish. I am sure some people think of only as a fetish. I do not. So I had no reason to assume the one asking the question was looking for a reply from that perspective. If you want to provide such a reply, feel free.

  13. Interesting indeed…I have always felt – and notice I use the word felt and not thought – that the best submissives make the most sensuous Doms. After all, to submit is to surrender to all of your desires. For those who do not even know how to unleash their desires, they need a Dom to “free’ their latent passions within them. Of course, this is just my personal perspective 🙂

  14. sassygirl2425 Says:

    I have a boyfriend that wants a dom\sub relationship that’s why I’m here now.. It sounds interesting n I would like to the sub for him. I have always wanted to please the man I was with to the best of my possibility. I would like more information bout dom\sub relationships. Where can I go to get more information from?? Where do I start?? I want to be the best n the one for him how would I know?? I love him n I would do anything in the world for him n to make sure he is happy n he knows I will.. Am I wrong for wanting to change for wanting to be in a dom\sub relationship with him?? I think maybe it would actually make our relationship alot batter then it is now… I want him happy.. I want us happy.. I want what’s best for us n will complete us as one..

    • Breathe, girl, breathe. What makes you think you would be making a change to be a submissive? From what you say, seems to me you already are one. Where do you start? Start with yourself. Start a journal. Write down all the things you know and want to know about being submissive. Write down the reasons why you want to submit to your boyfriend. In other words, use writing your thoughts down as a way to organize what you want and why. Then go find some sites by submissives, there are a few listed on the front page of this blog, and see what they say about their journeys in submission. And then write more of your thoughts about submission. Do not rush into D/s. It is not a thing to be hastily rushed into. It is a thing to be savored. It is a journey. Take your time. You will get there. And most important of all, remember to breathe.

  15. Nayre Oznu Says:

    I am here because I’m looking answers of my failure in a relationship with someone that asked me to relinquish myself to him in order to start moving to the next step in our relation, because I am a dominant person (because of the environment or circumstances). He never told me or put in clear for me that he wanted a D/S relation, so I started blind and It had been so difficult for me to be in the way he desired. He never tough me rules. Because I love him I started to let him guide me into a project for me to improve my temper and attitude, (I used to be an explosive person that did not thing before take action) but later I found myself dealing with a lot of demands from him, and considering them not fair for me. I found myself leaving the church because he did not want me to assist where men were around. He started to control my times (I had to prepare a schedule of calls to him), and places to go, the clothes to dress to go to my job, he started asking to be more “conservative” , and I made something that he considered not correct (example: He called me when I was working and because I did not say “I love you” in aloud voice I was in trouble), he decided to punish me to ask me writing down what happened and confessing that I was wrong, and he was right. He did not trusted me even though I was available in phone or in person 24/7, and made me feel that it was my fault because at the beginning of the relation I did not tell him everything that I was doing, and he said that I was lying to him. I really fell very frustrated because I tried to satisfy everything he demanded, but I could not withstand the fact that he did not trust me, and in the last episode we had, he demanded for me to be more “conservative” in my dressing, and I said yes ok, I will, but I expressed that I was yield to his request even I though I was conservative dressed, he woke me up at 5:08 the next morning telling me that he was awaked thinking about this theme, and that we needed to talk about before leaving to work. He started pointing out the way I was dressed, and he decided to see my cloth in my bedroom, and in my dirty cloths he found a jean that was in my bathroom hanged for about a month , he asked me and I told him the truth, but he said that it wasn’t and that I needed to do whatever necessary to satisfy his doubts. I said to him, that he had an Insecurity problem, because I had been showed him during month that I am a trustful person, but he is doubting for anything. He said that I was out of control, not yielding at all, and I was showing disrespect to him, and if I wouldn’t kneel down and said sorry He would go away, and he asked me to call him anymore. My question AM I WRONG?

    • No, you are not wrong. From what you report, I would say your assessment is correct. And I would recommend you walk away from him.

  16. I am a married woman but not to my dominant, he found me accidently through a post I made, I fell for him quickly, he gives me everything I have been missing in my life, he brought out in me my true self. I am a true submissive I live to please, my heart aches to gift him everything I am. I found my true love and soul mate.

  17. I am submissive have always known this , by no means am I less than my dominant. He takes great care of me puts all his time and energy in helping me be happy and the person I can be , in return I give him what he needs. This to me is a balance that is more fulfilling than any other relationship than I have every been in. Peaceful safe drama free. It has taken to long to find my Master I tried to learn and grow from past mistakes and finally found what feels right .

  18. My husband and I are new to this lifestyle. We have been together for thirteen years now but just started talking about a D/s relationship about two years ago. I am doing everything I can and encouraging him in every way I can think of to take on his dominant role more. I really would like for this to be a 24/7 Dom/sub relationship and I’ve spoken to him about this and he agrees, he would like for it to be as well. My problem is that he is very considerate of me ( I know, that sounds crazy!), to the point of not doing or having me do the things he would like done unless he thinks I’m in the mood for play time(I do have a few medical problems but I feel he is overly concerned with those). I’ve known him for twenty years and even before we were married I spent time with him at least two to three days a week. I’ve observed countless interactions between him and coworkers, friends, family and other women. I have no doubts about his dominant nature, it is very obvious. My concern is that I am pushing him in this direction, without intending to, to satisfy my own need to submit to him. Is this hesitation because this is all so new to him or is it that he does not really desire this? My fascination with and desire to have this type of relationship with him started in the very beginning of our relationship and it took more than ten years for me gather the courage to speak to him about it. For him this is a brand new experience, from what he tells me he has never been exposed to or thought about a D/s relationship before. I don’t want to push him or lead him in any way (I want to serve him). I have been searching the internet for any material that I can give to him to help him understand as much as possible and make his own informed decision. To this point I think the only information he has received has been from me and I can’t say I delivered the information in an unbiased manner. Your description, explanations and your view of this life style is the best and most helpful I have found, thank you. Now for the question. Can you recommend any other articles, blogs or sites for him ? I apologize for the long post. I have never tried to explain the situation before and it was not as easy as I had thought it would be. Thank you!

    • No apology needed, Sara. When the concept of D/s is new to a man, it can be a difficult thing to get one’s head around. Learning to be a Dominant when mainstream society has your whole life told you not to make decisions for women can seem really seem like a steep adjustment. Your husband should definitely sign up at husdom.com. It is a free site with a growing community of husbands who discuss living the D/s lifestyle. It also has a number of articles there from the perspective of husbands in the lifestyle. I have spoken with the fellow who runs the site, and he is a good man. And you, Sara, can probably benefit from the companion site, Little Kaninchen, which is for submissives.

  19. Hey. Just wondering if you had heard of/tried domestic dicipline or dd? I am also very religious and first started out with bdsm. Then i found dd and found it fit what i wanted better. It wasnt all sexual anymore which is good cause i no longer like that kinda thing and i could just lovingly submit. Just felt like i should tell u about that.

    • I also thought what you describe sounds a lot like dd to me.

    • Yes, I have heard of Domestic Discipline. It is a good form of D/s and proves what I have often said here, that D/s is not about sex. Anyway, thank you. I am glad you have found a form of submission that suits you.

  20. speaking of discipline and hope this is the correct post Xajow, have a question about that?

  21. lol ty and yes I have a question. My Sub and I are generally happy except recently since I returned to college. At times he does things knowing he is not supposed to. Mostly to get my attention. The adage any attention is better than none. I don’t want to paint him in a bad light as this is not his normal behavior. We have spoken many times of why I need to continue college and how beneficial it is to our life. If my discipline is not per say discipline what should I do since the point is not getting enough of my attention. I also don’t wish to increase his stress/anxiety that comes when he can’t serve me. Therefore ignoring him can’t work either. ty for any ideas and for reading this post.

    • What your submissive likely wants is to know that you still want him around. My advice would be to give your submissive more to do, and find little ways to show you are thinking about him. And by more to do, I mean tasks that help him feel connected to you. That can be a major task or lots of little tasks. Or some combination thereof. Then find time to text him or e-mail him after classes. This should help the submissive feel like you are still paying attention and feel like he is able to keep serving you even in your absence.

  22. Very insightful and will follow your advice. Have a great day Ty

    • Dear Xajow,
      How can you justify that this whole Dominant and Submissive thing is acceptable in Christianity?

      • I do not need to justify it. But I can explain my thoughts on the matter. And I did. You can find the explanation at the other end of this link.

        • Well, I don’t want to be judgemental. I respect your perception. But I strongly disagree that hitting a women, making a women go through pain in any circumstance is acceptable in Christianity(consensual or not).

          • May I ask you something? I apologise if it’s offensive, but would you still find it acceptable or normal if a men whips and flogs your daughter(consensually)?

          • That was not offensive at all. It is a legitimate question. If, when my daughter is an adult, she chooses of her own will to submit to a good man and follow rules he establishes with her, and to accept physical discipline, then yes, I would find that acceptable. My daughter, would at that point, be making her own decisions about her life. Would I be protective and try to make sure she was with a good man before she agreed to such a situation? Of course. But I would not stop my daughter from being an adult nor from finding happiness in submission, if that is what she wanted as an adult. Would you try to keep your daughter from happiness with a good man she loves?

          • You may be confusing healthy D/s with abuse. The two are not the same. D/s is not about pain or hitting women.

  23. KatLanurse Says:

    Wow. I will most likely be reading all of these posts. I very much enjoy and relate to the views you express here on D/s. I have often wondered exactly why I love being submissive. I was not always like this, in fact it took me 10 years to understand that the sense of something wrong in my relationships was the fact that there was no sense of belonging for me. No security, no protection or respect. Just “hey, we’re together.” When I met my dom and we discussed the kind of personalities we had, I could see his eyes light up when he asked me if I would consider letting him dominate me and I agreed to try it. He loves that I am intelligent and strong and yet still submissive to him in all the ways I can be. I still don’t know what made me this way, but I don’t care. I’m at home. Thank you for your words and insight.

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