How to Be Dominant Without Being Horrible

Continuing the series of posts with cues taken from search terms, today we discuss (or rather, I will talk about) “how to be Dominant without being horrible”.

I do not know what the person who wrote the search term meant by ‘horrible’. I will guess the person means something like being  a jerk and/or mean.

Let us be honest about something. Dominants often act like assholes. Sometimes this is because they have not learned to temper their natural Dominant nature. Sometimes they act like assholes because there is no other way to get the point across. Sometimes Dominants act like assholes because the other person is just a whiner who takes offence too easily. (Which is to say, the Dominant is not really being an asshole; it just seems that way to the other person.)

But let us back up a little bit. I do not want to appear to be dismissive of this matter. Something one should keep in mind is that there are few ways for a Dominant to get any teaching or mentoring in being Dominant. Often the only examples available are coaches or business management types who have fought their way to their position. These kinds of people tend to lead by motivation, which is not always kind. This can be less than appropriate training for how one should act as a Dominant in a D/s relationship.

But we all know Dominants can also often seem like jerks in normal interactions with others. The question is, does the Dominant recognize this? Some do not. So this is me telling you Dominants out there, examine your actions. Are you acting like a jerk? Think about it.

Dominants are not supposed to care what other people think though, right? There is a difference between not caring what other people think and being a jerk. I find people respond better to polite but firm interactions than interactions where I coarsely try to order people about. For example, when I buy lunch meat from the grocery deli. I know that if I get cold cuts from the deli when the store is busy, I will end up with a wad of meat slices I later have to spend too much time to unpack. So I go later in the day (often at night and after dinner time) when the store is not so busy, and ask that the slices of meat be laid out flat. In this example, it is not about caring what the deli workers thinking about me. It is about getting what I want. I want the lunch meat sliced and stacked a certain way. I get what I want, and the person who sliced the meat does not think I am an asshole. Which means when I go back, I continue to get decent service. Which means I continue to get what I want.

In this example, I am not less demanding or less Dominant. I am simply being wise in how I dominate the situation.

Wisdom is key in being a good Dominant. Wisdom takes time though. It does not come quickly. One reason being Dominant is so difficult is because there seem to be so few mentors for Dominants to impart learned wisdom to younger Dominants. At least this is so in my experience, your mileage may vary.

Sometimes Dominants cannot avoid being jerks. Why? Because sometimes other people do not listen and being a jerk is the only way to get those people to listen. For example, a place where I worked once, someone kept installing and rearranging equipment that affected how I did my job. The thing is, this person (who was not my boss) never talked to me about it. So I would show up and find that everything was moved around or that something new had been installed, and I had to figure out on the fly how to adjust my work to the new situation. I told this person many times to communicate with me about these changes. And consistently this person would promise to communicate and then fail to tell me anything. So one day, I had all I could stands and I couldn’t stands no more. So I basically yelled at the guy right there in front of everyone, and explained that if he continued to fail to communicate with me, I would again yell at him in front of everyone. He tried to assure me I would not, but I made clear that I had absolutely no qualms about doing it again. He did not fail to communicate with me about such things after that.

How does this relate to D/s relationships? Well, sometimes submissives are going to get treated in a manner that seems mean or harsh or horrible. I am not saying Dominants should yell or be mean to their submissives all the time. Indeed, Dominants should keep such behavior to a minimum. It is more effective the more rarely is it used. But the submissive needs to know that there is likely never going to be a D/s relationship wherein the Dominant is not sometimes going to seem mean to the submissive. This is part of the journey. It happens because neither Dominants or submissives are perfect. We are all only human beings. And as much as Dominants should work on self control, submissives need to work on being less offendable.

As has been said here and elsewhere, sometimes if you are offended it is because you are offendable. One trait I have noticed to be common among subs, particularly those who believe in the whole “submissives are in control” bit, is that they can react in the manner of little girls sometimes. And while sometimes that can be adorable, sometimes it can be just childish self-centeredness. I do not want submissives to lose this little girl-ishness. I like it for the most part. But there are times when submissives get offended by something because it did not fit in with their plans or because they did not understand it, or some other little girl-ish reason. I have said this before, and I will say it again. Submissives, your understanding is often not required. To pout for a bit is one thing, but to become bratty because you did not get what you wanted or expected is not good behavior.

I guess what I am saying here is that although there is a lot of room for Dominants to be dominant without being horrible or being assholes, sometimes that is just going to happen. It is the nature of the situation. So perhaps what needs to happen is that as Dominants learn not to be such jerks, submissives need to learn to be less offendable.

3 Responses to “How to Be Dominant Without Being Horrible”

  1. Sometimes they act that way because they want to act that way. Some subs look for the ones who are assholes because that feeds into their fantasy. I agree with you and you are right, there are so many ways to express your dominance without being an asshole that you shouldn’t feel the need to act that way just because. That being said. . .if that is someone’s kink. . .I may not dig it but if they do. . .more power to em. Good write and thanks for sharing it.

  2. misbehavin Says:

    sometimes I find myself needing to be a little scorned. I will take advantage otherwise.I dont want to be belittled all the time however there will be times I almost push it. Soooo I can see where it may become difficult to keep your cool all the time as a Dom. Being able to maintain more often than not is what brings some balance at times.I search for that more than anything.

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