Why Being Submissive Can Be Difficult

Yet another question that appeared in the search terms is: “Why would it be hard for someone to be submissive?” Obviously I cannot know what is the intent of the person who asked that question. But it seems to me like a question from someone who thinks being a submissive is supposed to be easy. So let’s talk about that.

Often people outside looking in at the D/s world make assumptions. (Particularly people who are ardently feminist.) They have a simple idea that being submissive just means doing whatever one is told. Easy, right? How could it possibly be difficult? How could it possibly require intelligence and strength to be a submissive?

Well, first of all, there is a certain social stigma to being a submissive. (Far less so for men these days than for women.) After hearing for years how woman are not supposed to need a man, how strong women are independent women who can do everything men can do only better, coming to the realization of being submissive, of wanting to submit, can be a very hard thing indeed. The fact that the she probably would be way too embarrassed to tell even her friends about this adds another layer of difficulty.

For men, I guess submission would be similarly difficult, but given how widely accepted male submission seems to be these days (even President Obama knows he has to appear submissive to his wife), maybe not.

Anyway, once a person accepts her submissive nature, then is the task of finding a good Dominant. This is not easy, as there are a lot of poseur dominants out there.

All of this is just part of the journey of self-examination that a submissive is on from the moment she realizes she is a submissive. She has to learn what being submissive means, learn what her limits are, what her desires truly mean and how to find expression for them.

And if she can find a good Dominant who is willing to accept her submission, her journey goes deeper still. She must learn how to please her Dominant, and will likely find her understanding of herself and her limits and her desires challenged.

This is a brief overview of why being a submissive can be difficult. Every submissive will face her own challenges and difficulties. It requires strength and intelligence. Being submissive is not for the weak. It does not mean being weak willed or not knowing one’s own mind. Just the opposite. It requires strength and determination and desire. To be a good submissive takes time and effort. But every submissive I have met would probably say being submissive is worth it. I have yet to meet one who does not enjoy it and feel happier for it.

11 Responses to “Why Being Submissive Can Be Difficult”

  1. As a wise man once told me, it is one thing to realize your are submissive, but it is much harder to start living as a submissive. Yes, I would agree submission is hard, but worth it. If your nature is to be submissive, then that is the only way you will truly be happy. Just as if you nature is Dominant, then you must be who you are. I am still learning though.

    • shapeofagirl Says:

      I absolutely agree. Definitely worth it. Another challenge is when one D/s relationship ends, finding a Dominant new who knows or wants to know his new submissive as much as the last one. In my experience, the connection and trust is more intense in D/s relationships than in vanilla ones (as I said, my experience, I’m definitely not shitting on vanilla relationships), and it can be very difficult to get to that level of trust with someone else again.

      • I am a new sub, new to scene, never done this before, he owns me without even touching me, etc.. he owns me. can long distance relationships with my dominant only seeing me onec a month or longer work, we have contact everday(required) and he calls me. Also have an application for eachother, no limits of course as I gave my whole hear,mind,body and soul (essence too) to him. He is also 15 yrs older (i am 44 newly divorced after 20yrs. Can it work? he would not be happy I asked strangers this question, he would be hurt so i am taking a risk asking, but what the hell. I never did this before anyway!

        • shapeofagirl Says:

          I had a long distance relationship with my last Dominant, he actually preferred it that way. It can work, definitely.

  2. Hi im new to the bdsm im a submissive and im really struggling to understand my desires and express them I do try but sometimes it goes drastically wrong there was once I wanted rough sex and tried to put this over to my dominant buy it came over as angry that I was trying to domaneer him I got punished can you advice me how to better understand and express myself ? Please

    • First of all, breathe. Take a deep breath, and exhale slowly. I am going to guess from your massive run-on sentence that you are over anxious about this. Breathe and relax.

      Second, start a journal. Not a diary, a journal. Start writing down your thoughts about why you are a submissive and what you expect to get from submission to your Dominant. Forcing yourself to write these thoughts out will force your brain to filter and process them. Which should help you understand yourself better and help you communicate better with your Dominant.

      Third, let your Dominant read your journal. And have a discussion about what you want and what your Dominant wants. Be respectful though. Use the opportunity not as a means to try to get your way, but to learn how to be a better and more pleasing submissive to your Dominant.

      Fourth, breathe. Take deep breaths and count them. It will help clear and focus your mind. Relax. Breathe. You do not have to be perfect. Just be you.

      • Yes I am anxious im an emotional person and often my emotions get the better of me thank you for your advice ill purchase a book and try a journal

  3. A submissive has to have personal responsibility, otherwise you get in the position of being micromanaged and my husband refuses to micromanage me nor do I desire micromanagement. Personal responsibility is sorely lacking today.

  4. Sir, Your advice for Kelly was very kind and gentle. Thank you.

  5. I feel like am loosing myself in the ‘submissive’ its the most difficult thing i have came to do because am raised by someone two years older and naturally you become independend on yourself.
    I really need help with being submissive

    • Don’t over think it. Remember being submissive does not mean not being strong. Being submissive requires strength. Knowing your own mind is a help. So you are going to be okay. Relax. Breathe. Have faith you will figure it out.

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