The Nature of Dominants and Submissives

Guess what? Yes, I am going to answer questions, but no, this time they are not from the search terms list on my stats page for this blog. Shocking, I know.

In a recent comment, a new reader said:

You have mentioned previously that your dominance was part of your nature and personality. Do you then think that men either are or aren’t dominant–a trait they can’t assume through practice? Also, on the flip side do you think submissives are naturally born that way or do you think it is a trait that can be learned. I may not be clear enough in my questions for that I apologize. Oh yeah, I should further state that I’m referring to 24/7 relationships.

Do I think men either are or are not dominant—a trait they cannot assume through practice? Yes, basically I do. That said, being of a dominant nature does not equal knowing how to behave as a Dominant. One does not know how to control behavior by nature. (At least not in my experience.) Control is learned. Wisdom is learned. Keep in mind that being dominant by nature and being a good Dominant are not necessarily the same thing. While being a good Dominant means being dominant by nature, being dominant by nature does not make a person automatically a good Dominant.

Certainly there are qualities of leadership and management that people without a dominant nature can learn. And there are certain characteristics that some people can learn to effectively imitate. But to be dominant is something inherent in a person. That does not mean all people with a dominant nature go about through life bossing people around and/or getting other people to do what they want. Some perhaps do, but many do not. Often because we are so often taught to deny such behavior. That was part of my problem for a number of years. I still am dealing with aftermath of it all.

And yes, I think submissives are inherently submissive. Submission is something they desire and to which they respond on an instinctual level. This does not mean all submissives are meek and timid. Nor does it mean that a person with a submissive nature has nothing to learn to be a good submissive in a 24/7 D/s relationship. The submissive too needs to learn control and wisdom. And too, society tries to teach people that being submissive (except perhaps to government) is generally bad. These days, this is particularly true for women. To be a submissive woman is, to some, to be a traitor to women’s rights and feminism and all that jazz.

Understand that when I say being dominant or submissive is inherent to one’s nature, I do not mean being a Dominant or a submissive in a D/s relationship is something one instinctively knows how to do. What I mean is that the desire is there, and the instinctual reactions are there. While a person of a submissive nature may not know how to serve, she will respond positively to things that make feel controlled and cared for, even if she denies to herself that is what prompts her response. A person of a dominant nature will respond positively to things that make him feel like he is in control, even if he later feels ashamed because society has taught him he should.

I would say someone who perhaps believes himself not dominant by nature but desires to be a Dominant and is willing to learn and to take up that responsibility, then probably is dominant by nature. Similarly, someone who thinks she is not submissive by nature but desires to be a submissive and is willing to submit and be trained, then probably is submissive by nature. Unfortunately the society in which we live does a good job of trying to drum such ideas out of people’s heads.

Anyway, I hope this answers the questions at least mostly satisfactorily. This is a Sunday evening, and I have not had a nap, and I need to go eat some food. Feel free to ask more questions.

18 Responses to “The Nature of Dominants and Submissives”

  1. There is so much wisdom in this, especially regarding society’s view of the word “submissive.” I often felt as if I should…..squelch my submission…and yet I have never felt so empowered as I do when I submit.

  2. I agree completely that dominance (little d) and submissiveness are inherent…I have found that my submission is the most natural thing I’ve ever undertaken, and that it’s how I believe society views submission that causes me to overthink it and wonder if I’m doing the right thing…

  3. ta2ooedmomma Says:

    Once again very well said.

  4. Everything you wrote here I agree.
    Thank you for posting this.

    • Thank you. I am glad you like it.

      • Michael Milburn Says:

        Im new to this D/s thing, ive got a few questions I need answered if you have the time…ty

        • I will certainly help if I am able. Ask away.

          • Michael Milburn Says:

            Ok first off, im not even sure how to start this with her….We live 1200 miles apart until we decide to get back together….. Shes just recently expressed her need for me to be her Dom and she my Sub…Im intrigued. ..ive always been dominant n shes naturally submissive…..
            So how does this work? From what I gather, she wants to live this 24/7, even long distance. .. N I want to be the Dom she deserves….How do I retrain my brain to love her as a Dom n her my Sub?
            I really want to plz her (not sexually) in the ways she needs from me as her Dom….Im just overwhelmed with all the research ive been doing….Im ready to begin as her Dom but im unsure of how to go about it…..
            We’ve decided shes going to call me “Daddy” n “Sir”…. n im going to call her “MY Little One” n “Daddies Little Girl”…..
            As her Dom what is proper ediqete? N remeber she never wants me to turn it off….Ill always be her Dom….Thats alot of pressure, would greatly appreciate any help….ty for your time…
            Im looking to be the best Dom to her I can be….I love this woman. ..

          • You should start with the advice in my post “On the First Steps to Becoming a Good Dominant”. I doubt you need to retrain your brain to be her Dom. You just need to learn how to be a good Dom full time for her. And that will take time and effort. But you will get there.

            Remember that rules will help her feel your control even when you are away. Also, I would recommend that for times you will be away from her, you find tasks for her to complete that require her to prove what she has done. The more things in her life that represent your control, the more she will feel your control even when you are away.

            But that is not to say you should smother her with control. Remember that your job as Dominant is not to be a micro-managing dictator. Your job as Dominant is to lead her and guide her to be the be the best her that she can be. Also remember that her job is to help you be the best you that you can be. You are not a Dominant alone. You and she are a Dominant and a submissive together in a relationship. She leans on you. You will lean on her.

            And both of you should remember, D/s is a journey. Neither one of you will get it right all the time. Be patient. Be open to each other. Learn. Grow.

            Welcome to Liberate One. And if you have any other questions, please feel free to ask. I am always glad to help if I am able.

  5. I understand this well. I’m a fiery strong person, an emotional person, and outside of my D/s relationship I am in complete control, but with my dominant I am as he describes, submissive with slavish tendencys, from one extreme to another. I’ve struggled to understand this, but basicaly I beIieve that I get sick and tired of being in control of making decisions and choices all the time, so submission to the point of being slavish is a release for me. I enjoy the lack of control and being told what to do rather than making decisions and choices myself.

  6. Rachel Guidry Says:

    Forgive me but I am completely new to this type of lifestyle and I am doing research because I feel that something has been missing in my life. I am trying to figure out if I am submissive because I think I am but I do not really have anything to go on. All of the internet research that I have done has kinda left me confused. Can you give me some search engines or sites that would help me please.

  7. samantha Says:

    What I mean is that the desire is there, and the instinctual reactions are there. While a person of a submissive nature may not know how to serve, she will respond positively to things that make feel controlled and cared for, even if she denies to herself that is what prompts her response.

    I have to say me all the way. One of my little games i play is make me want to. it’s your job.

  8. April Reynolds Says:

    I really have enjoyed reading your posts..I am new to the lifestyle and to submission…so as you can imagine…I struggle.
    Thankyou again

    • Thank you, April. Welcome to Liberate One. And don’t worry about struggling. We all struggle with D/s. It is the difficulty that makes it more valuable and more special than a normal, vanilla life. If it were easy, anyone could do it.

  9. I have been with a man who has always had dominate relationships with his female partners. Can a dominate ever show love in a more traditional role where partners are both vulnerable in sex. The present way feels very guarded and distant

    • Yes, a Dominant can show love in a more traditional role. However, if the current way feels guarded and distant, I suggest you have that discussion with your Dominant. If you desire more intimacy, you should consider why and then then respectfully bring this up to your Dominant. Perhaps try approaching it from a position of wanting a deeper relationship with him.

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