What a Dominant Looks For in a Submissive (part 1)

I know, all my faithful readers are pining for my words. Well, I have not been in a good mental place for writing. But I am here now, so dry your tears and breathe. Today I will talk about what a Dominant looks for in a submissive.

Or rather I will talk about what I look for in a submissive. I cannot speak for all Dominants. Contrary to what you may have heard, we are not all exactly the same.

Anyway, a major thing I look for is genuine submissiveness. “Well, duh, of course you do.” Not so fast. This is important. It takes some discerning at times (and I have been temporarily fooled before) to see the difference between someone who genuinely wants to submit and someone who is merely (or perhaps just mostly) interested bondage sex. Some women are very excited by bondage and sexual play involving bondage, and some of those will, to a certain extent, be willing to do things to get the bondage and sexual play they want. But when it comes to being submissive in things they do not see as leading to kinky fun for them, they will balk and/or offer excuses as to why they cannot submit in that way.

This is not to say there is anything inherently wrong with that. I am not trying to judge here. I am just trying to point out there is a difference between bondage kink and a desire to submit.

And to be fair, there are Dominants who are more interested in bondage kink than they are in being a full time Dominant 24/7. Again, there is nothing inherently wrong with that. But I will say again what I have said before. Know who you are and what you want.

So how does one tell the difference between bondage kink and a desire to submit. It takes a little patience and a discerning eye. Does the person submit even when there is no promise of sexual gratification? Does the person seem to take pleasure in the act of obedience, or is she only obedient because she is expecting a reward? Does the person act like she needs to submit or like she needs the kink? A Dominant needs know what he wants and to pay attention to this. A Dominant who wants a full time submissive will end up frustrated and disappointed if he chooses a sub who is more kink oriented than submission oriented. And a Dominant who wants someone more kink oriented can end up angry and irritated by a sub who is more submission oriented and expects more full time dominant attention from her Dom.

A submissive who gets sexually turned on every time she follows orders from a Dominant can be very sexy and appealing. But there are times in full 24/7 D/s when a Dominant (or at least me) wants submission without it having to be a prelude to sex. Sometimes, I just want a submissive to sit beside me while I am watching a movie or a ball game. Sometimes I need some peace and calm, and I expect my submissive to participate in contributing to that. This does not mean a submissive would not be rewarded, but not all submission needs to be immediately rewarded with bondage kink. This is when the submissive who finds pleasure in submission, in her service to her Dom, is so very important.

I suppose more simply said, something I look for is a submissive who finds reward in the recognition of the quality of her service. Which leads me to my next point.

Another important thing I look for in a submissive is motivation to serve well. Does the submissive just do what she thinks will be enough to get by? Or does she strive to obey and serve as best she is able? Do not misunderstand me. I am not looking for perfection. What I look for is whether the submissive is genuinely trying to please by the quality of her service and obedience. In other words, is she trying to do her best?

As I said, this is not about perfection. Mistakes happen. Some submissives do not have the experience and/or training of other submissives. But when a submissive cares about the quality of her service it shows. She will show eagerness not just to serve and obey, but also to improve. In other words, it is not just about trying hard or even working hard. It is about not being satisfied with mediocre obedience. It is about trying to be better. It is about being motivated to serve well.

Does this mean the submissive has to be great at everything? No. This is not about unreal expectations. This is about the attitude and desire of the submissive. I believe I have told this story before but I will briefly run through it again. I once walked out on a play that was really quite badly executed. Later, when explaining this to some friends of mine, someone who worked on the play chastised me for my criticism because the people who had put on the play had all worked really hard on it. I relate that help explain that when I speak of serving well, I do not mean just putting forth effort. I mean trying to serve with quality. I mean, rather than making excuses for poor service, accepting when mistakes are made and striving to be better the next time.

That is all the time I have right now, students, but do not fret. I will have more to say on this topic in upcoming posts.

9 Responses to “What a Dominant Looks For in a Submissive (part 1)”

  1. I like the way you think. 🙂

  2. Dear Mr. X,
    Thank you for this insight. Sometimes I worry because I am the girl that’s ignorant to dominate sexual kink, but I do want to make my man proud of me. I strive to improve and be better in his eyes as an evolving human being. Also I NEED his guidance, strength, and discipline. It is very true that one can be disciplined in a non kink way,{ I really am ignorant to that}, but there are many other things…. that can sure make one squirm and act right. So thank you, this is the only thing I have read that points out those differences and acknowledges them both for there value.

  3. I have always had a longing desire to take care of my partner. To nurture him would give me greatest pleasure. But in the past all of my relationships were lacking. Always missing a Dominant’s soul only frustrating me into believing I would never find someone who could fulfill what I wanted in a man until I met my Sir. He said he knew he moment he was me what I needed. My Sir has never been wrong about me. He senses every thing I feel. Sometimes in just the tone or my voice. A word. Sometimes when I say nothing at all. In knowing me so well he fills all the holes missing in my heart.

    I forgot to mention, I am a new Sub. He is my only Sir. He is my life. I will protect Him. Keep His home clean. Feed Him and the most important gift my Sir allows me is to warm His bed.

    I have finally stilled my restless heart and found where I belong.

    Thank you for helping me better serve my Sir.

  4. I started a new relationship with a dominate and immediately liked the dominance. I didn’t even realize it was a D/s relationship, I thought we were both exploring. My lack of understanding of a true D/s relationship and attempting to do the right thing on social standards, he decided I did not communicate the way he needed because I did not call and therefore ended the relationship. It broke my heart and now I understand why. I am a strong woman but I want an even stronger man and I need help growing into the woman I want to be. Since he is a dominate I am not sure I will ever get him to change is mind, however, I still want to find a dominate. I long to have someone worthy to serve. I can’t explain it so I need guidance. Since he left how can I grow into the woman I want to be? How can I be a strong but completely submissive woman? Where do I start? How do I make sure I find the right dominate to submit to?

    • The first think to remember is that you need to be true to yourself. To do that, you need to know yourself. Something I always tell people getting into D/s to do is write in a journal. Write about what you want and who you are, and what D/s means to you. Write about what submission means to you, what dominance means to you, and why you want a Dominant.

      The next thing to remember is that being submissive requires strength. You are not sacrificing strength to be a submissive. What you are doing is embracing your strength. Choosing to be your true self is always the position of courage and strength.

      Once you have written about what you want and why you want it, your brain will have filtered your thoughts, and you should be able to see things more clearly. Read what you have written and then write some more. The process of writing will help your mind clarify what sort of Dominant you want to find and what qualities he will have. Just be as honest as possible with yourself, and you will find that the path you need to take will open up for you.

  5. Being born with a submissive soul is the easy part, Sir. Trusting someone with it is the hard part, however, the area of bondage is where, for me, the lifestyle takes true courage. Thank you for writing this piece and having it here for your followers to read. Enjoy your evening.

    • Thank you, Audrey. Remember that good D/s relationship is not about the trappings but the substance. Relax, and be true to yourself, and you will find the courage you need.

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