What a Dominant Looks For in a Submissive (part 2)

Part one can be found at the other end of this link. This is a continuation of the topic of what a Dominant looks for in a submissive, or at least what I look for in a submissive. While I am trying to keep this as generally informative as possible, I say again that I cannot speak for all Dominants. But perhaps you will learn something useful all the same.

One of the things I look for in a submissive is a respectful attitude. I do not mean just being respectful to me. I mean being respectful in general. What do I mean by respectful? I am glad you asked. I will explain. When I say a respectful attitude, I do not mean acting like she is submissive to everyone. What I mean is acting in a manner that is polite, patient, attentive, understanding and considerate.

Do not misunderstand me. I am not saying the submissive should be weak or passive. I believe a good submissive has strength and intelligence and will. But that should be tempered, in part, by politeness, patience, attentiveness, understanding and considerateness. Why? For one, I see it as a reflection of the submissive’s inherent nature. For another, something I want as a Dominant is a submissive who reflects well on me.

Something I do not see mentioned much about D/s is that the behavior of the submissive will be seen as a reflection of the character of her Dominant. If the submissive is rude or polite, hasty or patient, resentful or considerate, this tells other people something about the submissive’s Dominant. It can say something negative or something positive. A submissive should seek to reflect well on her Dominant all the time, even when he is not around. This is, I believe, part of her service to her Dominant.

Am I being unrealistic, expecting a submissive to be all these things? No. I am not expecting perfection. A submissive who, for example, is polite, attentive and considerate, but has trouble with patience is not a bad submissive. She would, in my opinion, need some training to help her become more patient. And that would become part of the D/s relationship. But a person who is none of those things, not polite, not patient, not attentive, not understanding and not considerate is likely going to prove to be difficult to train. Lack of these things is a lack of respectfulness. And a submissive who has trouble respecting others is going to be difficult to train become respectful. Because first, she has to respect her Dominant.

Some may think I am saying a submissive should be always meek and mild. I am not. Some submissives may be meek and mild. There is nothing wrong with that. But I am not saying all submissives must be so. Being respectful and being meek are not the same thing. A strong woman who knows exactly what she wants can still be respectful. Which leads me to my next point.

Something I look for in a submissive is strength. I think the best submissives are strong and intelligent. This can sometimes make them a little more difficult to train, but training them is very satisfying. A strong woman determined to be the best submissive she can be is a beautiful thing. She will learn that her submission goes beyond just doing what she is told. She will come to understand that her submission is not a surrender of herself but an embracing and an improvement of herself.

Something else I look for is intelligence. Does the submissive have to be a genius? No. But I like a submissive with whom I can carry on a reasonable conversation. But more than that, I think a smart submissive will learn better and understand more. Submission is more than just doing what one is told by a Dominant. Submission is not a path to being a robot with no will or thoughts of one’s own. On the contrary, being a good submissive requires will and thought. To be a truly good submissive requires the desire to submit, and also understanding, widsom and intelligent thought.

A good submissive learns not merely to do as she is told, but to anticipate what her Dominant wants and needs. A smart submissive will see the unspoken want for quiet or a neck massage or simply to have the submissive at the Dominant’s feet. A smart submissive will learn to see the things that her Dominant does not say. When he is angry and needs to rage. When he is tired and needs to rest. When he is troubled and needs to talk. When he wants her to shut up and suck his cock.

One other thing I want to mention in this post is that I look for a submissive who takes care of herself. No, I do not mean a submissive for whom I do not have to do anything. What I mean is, a submissive who wants to look good, who is not sloppy in her appearance. Do I mean the best clothes or the most fashionable? No. Again, this is not about expecting perfection. This is not about choosing the most beautiful submissive. How does the submissive dress? How does the submissive carry herself? Does she take care in her appearance? She does not have to have the most expensive clothes to dress neatly and with some style. Even if I should seek to retrain a submissive’s style, I want know she will care about adhering to it. And I want her to believe the way she looks matters. Not in terms of defining her self-worth, but in terms of reflecting her own sense of self-worth.

And, of course, reflecting well on her Dominant. The submissive who is neat, clean, respectful, smart and strong reflects well on her Dominant. And this should be something every submissive should try to do, even among people who know nothing about her D/s relationship. And so, something I look for in a submissive is someone who will do that and care about doing that.

Again, I cannot speak for all Dominants, but I know I am pleased when my submissive is praised or rewarded or recognized for being smart or kind or respectful or things like that. When other people recognize the good qualities of a submissive who submits to me, I like it. It reaffirms to me that I have chosen well. And being a Dominant, I like to think that of myself and my submissive.

Okay, students, that is all for today. I may have another post on this topic in the future. In any case, there are still many more posts about D/s to come. As always, feel free to ask questions.

38 Responses to “What a Dominant Looks For in a Submissive (part 2)”

  1. I love the way you describe being respectful. My mother calls it tact, and sadly it seems to be a lost art. She is actually a wonderful example. No one would doubt that she is a strong woman, but she is tactful and gracious. She knows how to speak when it is time to speak AND when not to speak. It seems like a throwback, but sometimes I think that there are women in these times who could have benefited from “charm school.” 🙂

  2. My Dom and owner chose me because I am of good character. He believes he can help me grow to become the woman I always wanted to be and need to be now. I have many of the qualities he looks for in a submissive and a person. I am shy,caring,attentive, strong,dedicated and unconditionally trust him with all my heart,body,mind and soul. My self esteem is lacking and he is making the caterpillar become a butterfly. Skys the limit, always believe in eachother and trust eachother completely. Being an owned submissive is one of the hardest jobs besides being a parent that I have ever taken on. Self discovery and growing to your fullest potential is alot of work and he makes me work hard, it is so worth it. The journey is beautiful and an amazing ride. Always expect the unexpected, makes it funner that way. Thanks for sharing.

  3. You know, it was really refreshing to read this insight into your lifestyle ( i say yours because, like you said ,you can’t speak for all Doms). I liked the honesty too. I really admire your desire for a tactful woman. Class is lacking in today’s society in general and it really is a dying art. I’m glad you wrote about this and posted it publicly especially considering the taint left in the wake of “Fifty Shades Of Grey”. After that book everyone THINKS they KNOW what the lifestyle is like meanwhile the book was such a poor portrayal. I hope more people feel they can educate others and share their personal stories. ( I never part took in a Dom/sub lifestyle and only know a tiny little bit from what a handful of people told me at presentations in a college classroom, so i don’t pretend to be all knowing either). Thanks for sharing.

  4. Wow this was really insightful. I like learning and understanding how I can be a better sub for the future. Not just for my Dom but also for myself. You kinda made it more clear the parts of a sub and what they need to be for them and thier dom. Thank you for clearing the role . 🙂 Looking forward to waaaayy more post

  5. You sound like a WONDERFUL dominant. I am currently in the process of trying to find my first dom, and am not having a great deal of success. It seems true, loving, decent doms are a rare breed!

  6. christina Says:

    I want to be a sub. But I do not know how to begin trying to be submissive. I need help. I. Like all the kink but not sure how the whole ownership relationship works.

  7. Wow, excellent description of what I look for. Some women make the mistake of thinking that submissive means being a slave, but that isn’t what it is about at all. Giving up control, yes, becoming mindless, no.

  8. You are brilliant; fascinating, really.

  9. Thank you for the enlightening and expressive article. It is encouraging to hear that intelligence is valued and is seen as a positive reflection on one’s Dominant.

  10. I admire you, Sir.

  11. Thank you for helping me understand and better serve my Sir.

  12. I loved this post and wanted to let you know that I put a link to it and quoted it on my blog. It was an amazing post. Hope you like mine too!! http://meganmichaels.blogspot.com/2014/08/sassy-submissive-or-non-confrontational.html?m=1

    • Thank you, Megan. I liked your post too. You are thinking about submission and acknowledging you do not have all the answers. Good girl. And welcome to Liberate One.

  13. Sir Xajow, It’s an honor to read Liberate One. You write with integrity, intelligence and respect for a truly liberating lifestyle. I’m very new to D/s.You’ve answered questions about Dominants and submissives thoroughly and honestly. I truly appreciate the care that you have for your readers. I no longer feel lost. As a woman who is coming to terms with the submissive side of her character, I’m thankful that someone understands that I’m far more complex. I’m a strong, intelligent woman that wants the same from my future Dom. I’m grateful that you take the time to write this wonderfully. Thank you for the enlightenment.

  14. Fascinating posts both of them, when I read it i have many of the qualities but nobody’s perfect i certainly don’t have them all. Make you think!! Loved reading both posts I have read so far thanks for your intriguing post.

  15. How do you become a submissive? Where do I go?

    • How do you become submissive? You look within yourself and see if that is what you are and want to be. I recommend to all who are new to submission that they make a journal. Write down why you want to be a submissive, what being submissive means to you, what you expect to gain from being a submissive. Then do some research, talk to other submissives, and write down what you learn. Then write some more in the journal about why you want to be a submissive, what it means to you and what you expect to gain from it. In doing this, you will be learning about yourself and clarifying your thoughts about the matter.

      I recommend you start at a site like littlekaninchen.com. It is a site just for submissives, and even has chat rooms where you can talk with other submissives.

      • Thank you for the advice, but I mean like how do I acquire a dominant, and become a submissive for them? Where do I look?

        • How do you acquire a Dominant? Heh. They are not items you buy in a store. I would suggest you consider how to be a submissive that a Dominant wishes to “acquire”. In other words, first you need to be a submissive and have some idea what you want from a D/s relationship, and then entering a relationship with a Dominant comes after that.

          Where do you find Dominants? They are everywhere. But if you wish to find some to meet for possible D/s relationships, I would suggest you start by finding out where the congregate locally. A site like fetlife can help with that. It can also help you meet individual Dominants, but you should be wary as not everyone is honest on the internet.

  16. A million different thoughts are swirling through my mind after reading your posts lol. I have actually been mistaken for a sub. The exact words where no way you are a Dom as you are to nice. This makes me sad, and i have to bite my tongue and remember I’m a lady. I don’t need to portray myself as what society says is a female Dominant. As you have said everyone is unique. Yes a sub does reflect on the Dominant but at times to protect my submissive i have to slide into a more sub role Due to family or work. I don’t think this makes me more a submissive but someone who looks out for her submissive and cares that he is not stressed at the days end. Without his submission there is no me. anyway ty for listening Great articles Xajow.

    • Thank you, Irish. I agree the expectations of people make based on stereotypes can be quite annoying. If I have not said it to you yet, welcome to Liberate One. And if I have, well, you are still welcome here anyway.

  17. Sherina Davis Says:

    Might I say, I thoroughly enjoyed your entries. Your vast intellectual outlook, was quite, nonjudgmental, maybe unbiased and quite neutral. I was not offended by your entry, that is a good plus.

    A few words come to mind after your reading your entries.

    Perseverance- without it, one lacks the kindled respect one is looking for. Too much of this can be a damper though.

    Tenacity- Quite a good quality to have, it goes without speaking that tenacity and perseverance go hand in hand with one another.

    Pride, Dignity, Morale- all of these are what creates a respect inside of a person that you’re looking for, I believe that in general, most Dominants look for this quality in their Subs.

    Once again, I thoroughly enjoyed your entries, I look forward to reading more. Thank you, for sharing.


  18. […] some of the traits I think make for good submissives—like honesty, integrity, grace, et cetera, (and I have)—but other Dominants may disagree with me. Not all Dominants even agree on what submission is, so […]

  19. I’ve read a lot of your blogs and find them very straightforward. I’m new to a D/S relationship but my Dom is not. He is very informative and precise yet understands I’m not experienced as he is. He is patient but I know when I’ve done something to displease him. What a horrible feeling! The point I’m trying to make is thank you for expressing your dominant thoughts. I can’t read him at times and I want to please him, but he doesn’t express a lot but you’ve answered these. He likes that I’m researching both our roles.

  20. Why would someone want to do this if it means getting permanent marks mently and physically

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