How to Ask a Dominant Questions

In search terms on my WordPress stats page are a few variation on the subject of asking a Dominant questions. I confess this does not seem a difficult matter to me. I can guess, however, why it might seem an issue of concern to some. Though I am thinking that a more correct phrasing of the issue might be ‘how to respectfully ask a Dominant questions’. So let us take a look at that.

If you are a submissive and want to know how to act with your Dominant, pay attention to your Dominant. This includes how to ask questions. Your Dominant will tell you, directly or indirectly, how he wants you to interact with him. So that is the first thing to keep in mind when determining how to ask questions of your Dominant.

Sometimes, though, perhaps early in the relationship, a submissive may be unsure about protocol. So here is some advice. Be respectful and be humble. If you as the submissive have a question, for example, about why a particular rule exists, do not approach your Dominant with complaints about the rule or saying something like “So-and-so does not have this rule.” In other words, do not ask the question in a way that seems like an insult to your Dominant. That does not mean you should needlessly try to flatter, because that can be just as insulting. What you should do is simply explain your lack of understanding for the existence of the rule, and respectfully ask what the reasons are.

That said, you need to be prepared to accept whatever answer the Dominant gives you. If he says, for example, “Because I said so,” then you need to let that answer be sufficient. Whining and complaining will not make him want to tell you any differently. At some point in the future, you may attempt to get a better explanation. If, on the other hand, the Dominant does provide an explanation for the rule, and you do not like that answer, you still need to accept it as his answer to your question. Under the right circumstances, you might have a discussion about the answer he provided. But be respectful.

What this really comes down to is the submissive being respectful and paying attention to the Dominant. Each Dominant will have his own protocol preferences. Some he will explain, and some the submissive will simply have to learn by paying attention.

If the Dominant is in a good mood, he may be more open to some questions than if he is not in a good mood. Sometimes a Dominant may be in no mood for questions at all, through no fault of the submissive, and the submissive should learn to be aware of this.

If the question is about something the submissive did wrong and/or is being punished for doing, the Dominant may or may not wish to answer that question in the moment. Sometimes a Dominant will be willing to answer that question when the Dominant is responding to the wrong, and sometimes the Dominant will be upset that the submissive does not know what she did wrong and be angered further by having the question asked. Generally, I would say knowing whether your Dominant is truly angry or merely disappointed will help the submissive discern which situation is in play.

If a Dominant seems often annoyed with questions from a submissive, then my advice would for the submissive to examine her questions. Is she asking similar questions or the same question frequently, and why? Is there something annoying or disrespectful in the manner questions are being posed to the Dominant? In other words, a quality submissive will take the situation as an opportunity to improve herself and her service.

This is not to say that a submissive is always at fault. Some Dominants do not know how to take questions. If the submissive is asking  similar questions or the same question frequently, the Dominant should consider if he has caused the submissive to feel she has do so. Sometimes a young or new Dominant will be unsure of himself, and getting a lot of questions can seem like a challenge to the Dominant’s authority. This is something of which both the Dominant and the submissive should be aware. The Dominant needs to learn confidence, and the submissive needs to be careful that she does not undermine her young and/or new Dominant’s confidence.

Oh, but a real Dominant doesn’t need to have his ego stroked. Balderdash. Dominants are humans. And learning to be a good Dominant takes time. Particularly in a society that sometimes seems to take great pains to derogate dominant men. In any D/s relationship, and probably any ordinary romantic relationship, both sides will need some ego stroking from time to time. We are all only human.

Anyway, what about other sorts of questions? What about asking for something? The submissive should try to be clear in her own mind about why she wants something. Does the submissive want some item or other because she wants a toy or a reward? Or is she looking for something that will help her be a better, more efficient servant to her Dominant? Knowing what the question is truly about will help the submissive know how to respectfully ask for it (or in some cases if she should ask for it at all).

I would also say that a submissive should not try to manipulate the Dominant with her questions. I cannot speak for all Dominants, but few things will turn me against a submissive’s desire or request more quickly than seeing that the submissive is trying to manipulate me to do something.

This does not mean a submissive cannot ever ask for something for her own pleasure. Whether that something is an action or a thing, I would say the submissive should be honest with herself and with her Dominant about what she wants and why. Honesty and straightforwardness help build trust and understanding. And all are necessary in a D/s relationship.

I hope that helps. As always, feel free to ask me questions. Until next time, boys and girls, be good. And if you cannot be good, be careful.

11 Responses to “How to Ask a Dominant Questions”

  1. Probably best for a submissive to not ask a question when she is angry. We are after all human too.

    • I would not say that. There is a difference between being angry and emotionally lashing out. And the one does not require the other.

      • It is hard for me to not emotionally lash out at others when I am angry. Often I am not even angry with them, but I still lash out at them. I am trying to work on myself right now.

        • That requires discipline. My advice would be to come up with a meditation that involves pain and counting your breaths. It will help you refocus mentally.

          • I will have to think about that. I am not sure how to inflict pain on myself, at least not physically. I am not a cutter. I like the advice though.

          • Kneeling bare-legged on a hard floor, or on rice. Using a leather belt to strike your back or your thighs. The pain does not have to be intense or bloody. Just enough to serve as mental distraction and to get some endorphins flowing. And at the same time count your breaths, either to a specific number of breaths, or simply counting “one, two” with each inhale and exhale. Eventually, you will learn to focus yourself without the need for the pain simply by taking time to count your breaths.

          • That is sound advice. Thank you.

  2. How would a submissive ask her Dominant to be more …. dominant? Master is very relaxed and it bothers me, I’d like to be more controlled, and I’m not sure how to approach Him, without Him thinking I’m insulting His manhood or His dominance. He’s a wonderful Dom and Master, I would just enjoy Him using his power over me a little more.

    • First I would advise you determine for yourself what you mean by “more dominant”. Do you want more rules? Or are you looking for more direct dominance in everyday moments? Or perhaps you would prefer special moments of more control over your behavior. Once you figure that out, you can figure out how to ask for what you want. One way you might get more control is to ask more often how your Dominant wants you to do some tasks. Also, do not be afraid to simply talk to your Dominant about your desire for more of his control in your life. The key in making such requests of a Dominant is to remember to ask from a position of submission. There is nothing wrong with communicating your desires to your Dominant. But you need treat his dominance over you not as an entitlement but as a privilege that is his to give. When you approach the situation that way, I think you will find the right way to ask for more of your Dominant’s control.

  3. Jade Michaels Says:

    Um, is all of this the same for gay d/s relationships?

    • I am going to guess you are referring to the post above. Generally speaking, I know of no reason why it would not be the same. So far as I know, homosexuals value honesty and trust as much as heterosexuals. They are not a different species. We are all human beings.

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