“How does one know when they meet a Dominant?”

Back to things as usual here at Liberate One world headquarters. Time to start answering some questions. Recently I got asked several questions by a reader known (to me) only as A628. I was going to address them all in a single post, but I changed my mind. I will give each question its own post. I will begin with “How does one know when they meet a Dominant?”

The first answer that comes to mind is, it depends. If you are at a gathering of D/s folks, it is generally a lot easier to pick out the Dominants than at, say, a church service. But that is not really fair to the question. So let us see if I can muster up a more serious answer.

So to more directly answer the question: How you will know when you meet a Dominant is by first knowing yourself and what you want. Put another way, to find a thing, first you must be aware of what it is that you are seeking to find.

One of the things I have noticed is that people who have recognized within themselves a submissive nature can often instinctively perceive Dominant traits in another person. Which means the submissive will instinctively, and sometimes unconsciously, be submissive toward that person. So one of the ways for a submissive to tell if she has met a Dominant is for the submissive to be aware of her own reaction toward that person.

I could attempt a list of traits of Dominants, but that might be misleading. Dominants are not all the same. And not all Dominants have the same level of maturity or experience. And, for just one example, a Pagan female Dominant with a progressive liberal philosophy may be very different in behavior from a Christian male Dominant with a libertarian philosophy. Dominants, like submissives, are individuals and should be considered such. The question I think that perhaps should be asked is rather how does a submissive know when she (or he) meets someone to whom they should/want to submit?

Here is my advice for submissives. Spend some time reading about D/s and Dominant behavior. And spend some time thinking about what you want from a Dominant, and then write it out. Write yourself an essay about what sort of Dominant you want to have and what you expect to get from one. Writing the essay will force your mind to process and filter your thoughts and feelings. You might also then write an essay about what sort of Dominant you do not want. And then write an essay about what being submissive means and why you are submissive and what you hope to gain by submission. The first step to finding someone who can provide what you want is to know for yourself what you want. And the way to know what you want is to know yourself.

Which means, submissives, the journey to finding a Dominant begins within you. When people seek aimlessly for strong Dominants, that is how they end up in abusive relationships that leave them unhappy and unfulfilled. Nothing will prevent all unhappiness, but knowing yourself and what you want will help you avoid much unnecessary misery.

And, submissives, if you will seriously follow my advice, I think you will find knowing when you meet a Dominant less difficult and less intimidating than it might seem at first.

Tomorrow, if all goes well, I will answer another of A628’s questions. As always, readers, feel free to ask me questions.

6 Responses to ““How does one know when they meet a Dominant?””

  1. Thank you.

  2. O Wise One, I knew eventually I would find myself addressing you as such, today is that day. “When people seek aimlessly for strong Dominants, that is how they end up in abusive relationships that leave them unhappy and unfulfilled. ” Just yesterday I wrote a part of my story which describes exactly this very situation. Although consciously I wasn’t aware I was searching for a dominant. I was very unhappy for a large portion of my life but didn’t understand why. My search to change that ended up as you describe. I posted my story yesterday before ever reading this. – Kate

    • I just read the story at your blog. To post that for the world to see, I would think, takes some courage. But I see you are learning from the situation you wrote about, and that is good. Well done.

      For those who have not been to Kate’s blog, you can find the story she is talking about at the other end of this link.

      • Thank you Sir. It has been over 8 years the writing was easier than the posting. It has been a long journey of self-discovery. I added an addendum, which you might not have seen since I just posted it. A response to a reader. Thank you, Sir, for adding a link to my story.

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