“I met a Dominant; so now what?”

The last question from the reader known as A628 is this: “How does one deal with if [having met and being tested by a Dominant] and wants to submit?” Basically, it follows from the previous two questions. Which is why I have summed it up as “I met a Dominant; so now what?” To inexperienced folks, the answer may seem obvious: submit to the Dominant. But this is, I think, a question which needs a more serious and substantive answer. And oddly enough, I think I will try to give it one.

First, let us back up just a bit. A628’s first question was “How does one know when they meet a Dominant?” The answer, in brief, is for the submissive to know herself and what she wants, and then she will be learn to be able to identify Dominants. The second question was, basically, how does a submissive know when she is being tested and/or trained? The answer, in brief, is that a submissive should always conduct herself with Dominants she has just met as if she is being tested or trained. So this third question, to be clear, is asking, now that a submissive has encountered a Dominant and is being tested/trained, what does the submissive do when she wants to submit to this Dominant?

My first bit of advice is this: Breathe. By which in this case I mean do not rush into anything. A Dominance/submission relationship is a special thing and not something to be treated lightly. At the same time, you should not cause yourself undue stress over it. So take a moment, breathe, and relax.

Before I get too far into this, let us be clear about something. I know that a lot of other people who will talk about submission will talk about making out an agreement and the submissive being in control and things of that nature. And if all you want is a time of BDSM play, then by all means go find that advice and follow it. But I am not talking about that. I am talking about a serious D/s relationship that one expects to last long-term. I repeat, the advice I am about to give is not about just having a short time of BDSM play. It is about seeking a serious, long-term D/s relationship. If that is what you want, then read on.

Do not try to force a D/s relationship to occur. Do not try to pretend to be okay with things you do not like just to be with a particular Dominant. Yes, of course you want to please him. But do so not by lying but by being genuine.

What do I mean by being genuine? Be honest. Be truthful. Be yourself. Again, the submissive knowing herself is important. But more to the point, be genuine by dropping pretense or artifice. Yes, this does mean you will be exposing yourself, not physically but mentally and emotionally. Your usual defenses will be down. And you will be vulnerable. But this will be an act of true submission to the Dominant.

That is all well and good, you may perhaps be thinking, but what should the submissive do? What action should the submissive make? What should the submissive say? Before I answer that I want to repeat that my advice is not about having a short time of BDSM play, but rather about seeking a serious, long-term D/s relationship.

The submissive needs to pay attention to the Dominant. Some Dominants will see a submitting submissive and act on it by talking to the submissive about being in a D/s relationship with that Dominant. Some may simply start to assume you will submit to them. Some, however, maybe expect the submissive to ask the Dominant for the privilege of submitting to that Dominant.

A few words about that. I know in many BDSM circles there is an idea that a Dominant is only really a Dominant when a submissive has chosen to obey him. This stems from the whole “the submissive is in control” thing. But consider something else. Consider the possibility that a Dominant is always a Dominant, because being dominant is part of his nature, just as being submissive is part of a submissive’s nature. The Dominant’s control, then, is not, as some might say, something that the submissive allows the Dominant to have. It is instead a privilege that is the Dominant’s to give as he sees fit. In which case, a submissive should approach the matter of submission as something the Dominant allows the submissive to have.

In any case, whether the Dominant expects the submissive to request the privilege of submitting or the Dominant approaches the submissive with an offer to grant her submission to him, the submissive needs to be paying attention to the Dominant. The Dominant will give the submissive the clues and cues she needs to decide what to do.

What if the submissive feels overwhelmed? I will return to the advice I give submissives most often. Breathe. Take three deep breaths and exhale each one slowly. Count your breaths. It will help clear and focus the mind. Breathe.

Ultimately, this comes back to the submissive knowing herself. If the submissive has taken the time to seriously think about why she is submissive, what she wants from submission, and why she would submit to a particular Dominant, then when the time comes, she will be able to figure out what she needs to do when she finds a Dominant to whom she wants to submit in a D/s relationship.

Also, be aware that long-term D/s relationships are like other long-term relationships in many ways. Some start quickly and last forever. Some take a long time to develop before there is a long-term relationship. Some hoped for long-term relationships end before we would like. Some drag on miserably and some exist happily. There may be rejections and heartache along the way to finding a good, long-term D/s relationship, or it could happen so swiftly and easily that it seems like a miracle. Remember that D/s is a journey. Or more properly said, for Dominants and submissives D/s is a part of the journey that is life. Which means there will be times when the sun shines and times when the rain falls. What matters most is not whether you are in sunshine or rain, but how you choose to deal with the situation.

Okay, I should stop now before I start rambling on about philosophical issues. This post is already over 1000 words long anyway.

I hope my answers have been useful. I know they may not have been the answers A628 was expecting, but they are the best answers I know to give. But I may be a fool. So make up your own mind.

That is all for now. Be good.

6 Responses to ““I met a Dominant; so now what?””

  1. Nice advice. Sorry if I’m intruding. On a personal issue D/s relationships are so complex and simple at the same time. I tried vanilla on numerous occasions. Never worked. My first D/s relationship so far is great, intense and amazing. Definitely worth it.

  2. Thank you again.

  3. The sub surrenders the control. She chooses to obey because it satisfyies and fulfills her needs as a submissive. I am a sub and had a 2yr 24/7 sub role, and 5 years of part time. with one partner…. If a genuine submissive did manage to gain control from the bottom, its disrupts the mutual power exchange and ruins the whole thing. it can shatter trust, because it exposes the fact that the sub has with help feeling or desires. I dont want a dom that just wants to control me. Its an intimate and very deep connection/relationship that involves soo much TRUST. it would not work if the sub did not consent and gift her submission. I am not submissive in real life. I am abrassive, blunt, DGAF lol but to my dom… i am most considerate, and tender, with a strong desire to please him. For me it really feels like a gift.. it is sharing your deepest self with some one.. having no secrets. having them push you out of your comfort zone for your own betterment and/or sexual enhancement. and feeling closer to them for it. The doms like knowing that them being them, satisfies and fulfills the sub.

    • That you do not call your time with your Dominant real life is interesting.

    • My previous reply was not up to the standards here at Liberate One. Yes, being submissive to a Dominant is a gift in that the submissive is giving herself to the Dominant’s control. But the Dominant is also giving to the submissive. His dominance is also a gift. And welcome to Liberate One.

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