Project August: Day 23 – Wherein I Clarify My Opinion of BDSM for Fun [NSFW]

I find it odd that although D/s and libertarianism are topics of equal interest and passion for me, I get lots of views and comments for the D/s posts and almost none for the libertarianism posts. But I am weird. So anyway, this post is not about politics. More about D/s today, but before you get too excited, this post is philosophical in nature. Well, this blog can’t be sexy all the time when I am posting every single day.

Although there have been no new posts there in almost a year, I am going to quote from the blog The Dom Next Door. In a post titled “Interview With A Submission Vampire Vol.1 No.16” [WARNING: the post and the quote below are NSFW, because Scot uses naughty words and phrases], Scott Thomas said this:

Long time Peeker™ Jayne Ayres wanted to know this:

“How would you react if Leigh truly did not want to be submissive in the bedroom anymore? Pretend that it was real and true to her and she said it had to end because she didn’t like how it felt anymore. What would your reaction be?”

Great question Jayne, and one I have made allusions to answering before in musings like Building Pyramids Upside Down.

What would happen is that I would be married to my best friend. We would laugh, share, talk, have amazing sex, get away on Sundays, spend time in the kitchen, worry about bills, go antiquing, watch our favorite television show. She would give me hand jobs that would sell for hundreds of dollars, blow jobs that would cost more. I’d fuck her within inches of her life, make her squirt like a broken fire hydrant and still try to get to play with her belly button. A man can dream…

We’d still be kinky ass mother fuckers in all sorts of ways, plus have so much else to share.

D/s is not a deal breaker. We explore it because we both enjoy it. But it would not be the elephant in the room with its absence.

Would I miss it? Fuck yeah! Would I feel any resentment towards Leigh? No. I make no secret that I enjoy it, but I do not need it. It does not define me or us. We define it. It is not who we are, it’s what we make it.

There is nothing wrong with that. Let that be clear. I am not going to criticize Scot for that attitude toward BDSM.

“But wait,” you say. “You talk about dominance and submission as being part of one’s nature.” Yep. I do. But there is a difference between what Scot is talking about and what I talk about.

For Scot and his wife, BDSM is a fun thing they do for sexual pleasure. It is not a defining lifestyle choice for them. And for some people, that is all they desire from BDSM. And there is nothing wrong with that.

What I generally talk about here when I discuss D/s is living D/s as a 24/7 lifestyle. That is very different than just using BDSM as a tool for sexual pleasure. I repeat, living a D/s lifestyle 24/7 is something different than just using BDSM as a tool for sexual pleasure. Within a 24/7 D/s lifestyle, a couple may use BDSM as a tool for sexual pleasure, or they may not. And in an otherwise vanilla relationship, a couple may use BDSM as a tool for sexual pleasure, or they may not.

When I talk about D/s here, I intend no disparagement of those folks for whom BDSM is just a tool for sexual pleasure without the fulltime D/s relationship. And certainly I am not going to say one is more legitimate than the other. I am biased, make no mistake, toward the 24/7 D/s relationship. I think it is better than a normal vanilla relationship, but that is merely my opinion, not a scientific fact. If your opinion, O reader, is different, I will not argue with you about it. If a vanilla relationship is what makes you happy and fulfilled, then more power to ya.

Often D/s is presented with kinky sex, bondage, discipline, and sadism/masochism elements. But these are not required for a D/s relationship. Which is why I generally speak about D/s specifically, rather than BDSM.

So someone comes here and sees what I write about D/s and the nature of dominance or submission within a person. Should that person feel he or she is bad or wrong if he or she does not feel a dominant or submissive nature and yet is interested in BDSM? No.

What about the submissive who feels that she needs physical discipline for the sake of her submission? Of course that can be a strong desire, but need and desire are not the same thing. Understanding what is need and what is merely desire can be difficult. Be clear in your mind, O submissive, what needs are and what desires are, and then you will better be able to discern between what truly are your needs and what are your desires.

But let us not get sidetracked. Understand that bondage and discipline are just tools. Sadism and masochism are just desires. These are not the things that define what a Dominant or submissive truly is. So when Scot says removing D/s from the sexual part of the relationship with his wife is not a dealbreaker, that it does not define him or his relationship with his wife, his attitude is exactly correct.

Suppose, for example, that a D/s couple have built a relationship over several years, but then the submissive is injured in a way that puts her in a wheelchair for a time or even for life. Is that the end of the relationship? I hope not. Is it going to change the way D/s is practiced in their relationship? Of course it will. But that change does not mean the relationship ends or that the natures of the people in the relationship change.

Do not mistake the tools for the relationship. Do not mistake the superficial desires you feel for your genuine nature. BDSM is fun. But the B and the D, the S and the M are not necessary for the D/s.

“Well, gosh,” you may be saying, “all that figuring out and discerning could take a long time and be very difficult.” Yeah it is. But the journey is so worth it. No, you will not get it all sorted out in a day or a week or a year. And just when you think you have it all sorted out, chances are you will realize you do not. Welcome to the strangeness and wisdom and beauty and struggle and marvelousness that is the examined life.

Okay, I feel like I am running out of things to post about for Project August. All those requests I made for you, O readers, to suggest posts on other blogs I could use, I was not kidding. I really do want you to suggest something. I only have eight days to go. I do not want to fail in the final week of the project.

The posts for the next few days may be short. I am going to be busier than usual. I hope you all have a good weekend. Come back and see if I can make it to the end of this marathon of blogging every day, or if I fall flat on my virtual face.

8 Responses to “Project August: Day 23 – Wherein I Clarify My Opinion of BDSM for Fun [NSFW]”

  1. You could talk about a Dominant’s needs vs. wants, Sir?

  2. Specifically… yours, she means

  3. Hi. I have a suggestion for a post. I know it would help me. See I get confused by my own dynamics quirks in my relationship so to speak. I hope I’m not the only one with these confusing quirks. I am a hypno submissive with slavish tendencies and a touch of pet. My dominant nick name for me is kitten And this we’ve figured out from my behaviour: with him sometimes I’m submissive, sometimes I’m more slavish and at times I behave more like an affectionate curious kitten trying to understand my needs and desires. From one day to the next I find hard to figure out myself. I don’t know how my dominant manages it. Is it normal for submissives to sometimes behave slavish or like a pet? I have a great deal of respect for all three of these. I am all three on different occasions but I’m struggling to understand my needs and desires. Are the lines sometimes blurred? Does it work well in a 24/7 d/s relationship? How do I better understand my own behaviour? Right now I just seem to run on impulse and emotion and desire. Help, confused.

    • I think I was able to sort that comment out. I appreciate the suggestion, though it is not quite what I need for Project August. But I will try to help. Yes, you sorting out your desires and seeming to be three different things is fairly common for young submissives. I will give you advice similar to what I told you before. Have a journal. Write down every day your thoughts and desires. The process of writing will help your mind sort through the jumble of thoughts you feel you have in your head. The more you write, the more you force your mind to filter those thoughts. The more you force your mind to filter the thoughts, the more easily organizing them will eventually become. Do not try to understand everything now. Understand only that you do not understand. That is step one. Then you can begin to take one step at a time to unravel the thoughts and desires in your mind.

      • Thanks for the advice. I am writing a journal. Guess it takes time to filter and understand why I sometimes are more slavish and pet than submissive. At least my dominant manages to keep up and understand. Though I’m sure some days switching back and forth must give him mental whiplash. ha ha

  4. I really enjoyed reading your post. Keep up with project August, I wish I had the perseverance you have, I would have given up by day two.

    I don’t have any suggestions for a new post, BUT you can look at our site and blog and see if you can extract any inspiration from there. If you want to do another post on the BDSM topic, that is.

    Thanks for sharing.

    Sex and Metal

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