Project August: Day 25 – Yeah, I Said the Dominant Is the One in Control

Students, I am disappointed in you. What part of “suggest some blog posts to which I can respond” are you not getting? Grumble grumble grumble. Anyway, today, I am going to talk about my perspective regarding a part of what being a Dominant in a D/s relationship means. Those of you who regard BDSM as something where submissives are always the ones with all the control should be warned, I am not going to agree with you. Those of you with a warming flutter in your belly because I am about to talk about Dominance, please take a moment to breathe first. Inhale. Hold it. Exhale. Good. And now, class begins.

Today’s entry in Project August… Yes, cute girl in the front row? What is it? No, you may not visit the little girl’s room. You should have thought of that before class. Sit there and listen. And no whimpering.

Now then, today’s entry in Project August is prompted by a post from Sharron Kelley (or sharronkelley, or possibly sha rronk elley, or maybe a kinky code, sharr on kelley) at her blog, which is named, er, sharronkelley. (WARNING: Some language that follows may not be safe for work.) The post is titled “Because I Fucking Said So” (which I think would be an excellent name for a rock band). A brief excerpt from an all too brief post:

[Obedience within her D/s relationship] is something I must do regularly.  Something I must treasure closely.  This gift and blessing of being allowed – no, not allowed…..the gift of my obedience being demanded.  Expected.

 Because He fucking said so.


Some people have argued that a Dominant is only a Dominant when a submissive gives him the gift of her submission. That is just plain bass ackwards, as the kids say these days. (Wait, young goats that can talk? No, sorry. Nevermind.)

Maybe in those situations where supposedly the one in control is the submissive, a submissive can gift her submission to a Dominant. But to my way of thinking, a Dominant is not given his dominance over another. If anything, the privilege of submission to a Dominant is the Dominant’s to give or take away.

Oh my God! Did I just say submission to a Dominant is a privilege he grants to the submissive? Yeah, I really and truly did. If your experience is different, and you’re happy with that, then by all means, do not let me stop you. But I prefer something… more substantial.

Do not misunderstand me. I am not going full geek Gorean and suggesting women should be enslaved against their will. I do believe D/s relationships should be voluntary for both persons. (Reminder: I’m libertarian.) But what I am saying is that in a D/s relationship, the Dominant is the one in charge.

And yes, that means he gets to choose to grant a submissive (or two or more, depending on how ambitious he is) the privilege of submitting to him. Of course, the submissive can choose not to accept that privilege. And certainly if she does not agree it would be a privilege then she should definitely chose to not accept it. But let us dispense with the idea that the Dominant is a passive participant, waiting around for a submissive to grant him the gift of being a Dominant. That idea is just foolishness for a proper long-term D/s relationship.

A lasting relationship cannot be built on word games where the “submissive” dominates the “Dominant”. Because that would be building on a lie, and lies are brittle and fragile building materials.

A lasting relationship requires truth. And sharronkelley has it exactly right. The Dominant’s demand that the submissive obey is a gift to the submissive from the Dominant.

Pay attention now, students. In a long-term full time D/s relationship, yes, the Dominant is the one with the control. The submissive actually submits. And her submission is both given and taken voluntarily. And the Dominant’s authority is both given and taken voluntarily. They agree that the Dominant is the one in control.

And yes, the Dominant offers the privilege of submission to the submissive. Yes, a submissive chooses to which Dominant she will submit. However, she does not get to truly submit until he offers her the privilege of submitting to him. And to get that privilege, she has to earn it.

Earning trust in a D/s relationship goes both ways. Both the Dominant and the submissive have to earn the trust of the other. Which means, yes, the submissive has to work to prove herself worthy of the Dominant’s trust (just as the Dominant must work to earn the submissive’s trust). She has to prove she can be pleasing and obedient and teachable. She has to prove her worth (just as the Dominant has to prove his).

And once she has done this, then she may, may, be offered the privilege of submission. She may be given the opportunity to have the benefit of being obedient, of serving his demands and of striving to please him. And it is a benefit to her, make no mistake. Because deep in her belly lies the need to submit, the need to have her obedience expected of her, to have her submission be a privilege that she is granted by a good Dominant.

A Dominant likes this. He enjoys this. He enjoys the obedience of his submissive, and even more, he enjoys her fulfillment in her obedience. A submissive happy in her obedience is a beautiful thing. As is the satisfied sigh of a submissive woman who has found her satisfaction in pleasing her Dominant. When submissive who has just been spanked says “Thank you, Sir” in genuine gratitude, it makes a Dominant feel good.

Forgive me. I had intended to write more. But I have had a long couple of days, and I am suddenly feeling very tired. I need some rest.

Class is dismissed. Yes, cute girl in the front row, you may go now.

Good night.

2 Responses to “Project August: Day 25 – Yeah, I Said the Dominant Is the One in Control”

  1. I feel honored. Thank you 🙂

    • I just now realized I had spelled your name incorrectly. I apologize for that. The post is now updated with the correct spelling.

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