On the First Steps to Becoming a Good Dominant

So you have determined you are someone with a dominant nature. Or someone is asking you to be a Dominant in a relationship. Or you have stumbled across this Dominance/submission stuff and you are wondering what it is all about. In any case, what you want to know is what would and/or should a person starting out as a Dominant do. Okay, let’s talk about that.

I will give you some advice similar to that which I give people new to submission. Start writing down your thoughts. I recommend a journal of some sort. Start by writing down what you think of Dominance/submission now. Write down why you are looking into D/s. Write down why you think you are or maybe are not suited to D/s. Yes, that is a lot of writing. Writing things down forces your mind to process the thoughts you have. It helps you organize what you think and why you think it.

Next, do some research. Actual research, not just looking at some bondage porn. D/s is not inherently about bondage or even sex. D/s is about the relationship between a Dominant and his submissive. Bondage or sex maybe be a part of your D/s relationship in time, but do not start there. Start with learning about the responsibilities of being a Dominant. There are blogs and websites a plenty about D/s. Go read some of them. Read what people say about dominance, and also read what people say about submission. One good way to learn about the responsibilities of being a Dominant is to see what submissives say about what they need and how their Dominants address their needs. But also read what other Dominants have to say about being Dominant and what it means to them.

I will warn you now, you will find some differing perspectives on what D/s is. Some will say the submissive is always in charge. (I do not agree, but this is not the time for that discussion.) Others will say a Dominant is only a Dominant when he has a submissive. Some will say a Dominant is always a Dominant. Some will say D/s is an integral part of their relationship and who they are. Still others will say it is just something they do for fun and not really a big deal in the overall scheme of their lives. And so on and so on.

So what do you do with all those perspectives? You write about them and start determining where you are in the wide field of opinions and perspectives on D/s. Write about what you find in your research. Write down your opinions about what you find. Do more research and more writing.

When you think you have things sorted out, then write some more. Has your understanding of D/s changed? Do you think differently about it now? What do you think about why you do or do not want to get into D/s? Write it all down. Make your brain filter through all the thoughts you have. Organize your thoughts. Read what you write, and then write some more.

Does this seem like a lot of work? Well, it is. Being a good Dominant is a serious task. It is not something to be taken up frivolously. Even if you choose D/s as only something done to kink up the sexual aspect of your relationship, you should understand why you choose that and what it means, and then learn to do it well. Because even in the scenario where D/s is confined to things sexual for you and your partner, it will have an effect on the rest of your relationship. So do it well.

There is another reason why I prescribe all that writing. One of the most important things a Dominant should be is self-aware. By which I mean, a Dominant should know himself and know himself well. That means thinking about who you are and how you came to be who you are. It means not lying to yourself about your flaws and limitations. It means being honest and truthful with yourself as much as possible.

And know that as you start this process of becoming a good Dominant, you are not going to know yourself as well as you may think. The process of D/s will show you things about yourself you did not know before. Do not be afraid of that. Embrace it. The more you learn about yourself, the more clearly you will be able to see not just what you want as a person, but what you want from the D/s relationship and what you need to do to improve yourself as a person and as a Dominant.

There is something else I should say here to those of you who are still learning about Dominance. Good leadership is service. Understand that a proper D/s relationship is not an unequal relationship. Your submissive will submit to you and serve you. You, as a Dominant, will lead and serve your submissive. I do argue that the Dominant is the one in charge in a D/s relationship, but being in charge does not mean having everything your own way. Being in charge does not mean neglecting the needs of the submissive.

Understand that your job as Dominant is not to be a dictator. Your job as Dominant is to be a leader. Will there be rules? Will you train your submissive? Will you sometimes punish your submissive? Of course. But if you do all of that merely to selfishly serve your whims, you will be engaging in abuse, not true dominance. True dominance and leadership is about elevating the submissive, raising her up, encouraging her, making her feel safe, being her strength when she feels weak, and helping her to become a better person.

You do not just set rules for your submissive to get her to do what you want. You set rules for your submissive to provide her with structure and stability. You train your submissive and, when necessary, punish your submissive not from capriciousness or vindictiveness, but in patience and understanding so that she improves and learns and grows both as your submissive and as a person. As you help the submissive, you will become stronger and better and wiser. In other words, you will become a better person too.

How do you know what rules to set? How do you know what training she needs? That will come from learning about D/s, but also from learning about your submissive. As a Dominant, you need to know yourself, and you need to know your submissive. You will need to communicate with your submissive about D/s, and about what she wants and needs and feels. And no, it really will not be that difficult. Your submissive wants to trust you. She wants you to know what she needs and desires. And she wants you to help her feel safe and secure. She will tell you all the things you should know about her, so long as you pay attention to her.

Listen to your submissive. Watch her. Watch her body language. Pay attention to not just what she says, but how she says it. She will tell you all you need to know if you pay attention.

And when you pay attention, and learn about her, she will reveal the most amazing things to you. What amazing things? I cannot say exactly. Every submissive is different. But you will see her strengths and her faults and her confidence and her doubt, and her inner little girl, and her inner slut, and everything in between. And she will teach you things about yourself that you never knew. And there will be joy and sadness and pleasure and pain, and all the things that make life wonderful and worth living.

Being a Dominant is not a light thing. It is a heavy responsibility. It can be very difficult. But it will also be amazing. You will find beauty and joy you have not yet imagined. It will shape you and mold you into a stronger, better person. It will astonish you and frighten you and please you and inspire you. And sometimes, if you get it just right, it will do all of those things at once, and you will begin to know in that moment the true meaning of the word awesome.

So though the work and responsibility of being a good Dominant may seem daunting, becoming a good Dominant is worth the effort. You will become a better person. You will gain wisdom and understanding. You become stronger and more mature.

So if you think the Dominance part of this D/s thing is for you, then do not be daunted. Remember, you do not have to do all of it at once. You do not have to be perfect. You just have to be willing to take the next step.

Remember also, you are not alone. And being a Dominant is not evil. You can be a good person and a Dominant at the same time.

I hope this post helps those of you who are investigating D/s. I will write more posts for Dominants in the weeks to come, but this post is now over 1500 words, so I am going to stop for now.

54 Responses to “On the First Steps to Becoming a Good Dominant”

  1. Well put! I agree that analyzing, understanding, and being aware of yourself is crucial to being a Dominant. For me, it’s the base that supports everything I do. I think it’s something that needs to be done constantly. We aren’t stagnant, one-dimensional people, after all. It also helps me extend my awareness and understanding to other perspectives.

    • Thank you. And yes, the better a Dominant knows himself (or herself), the better able the Dominant is to understand the submissive, and by extension others. One of the major keys to understanding others is first understanding oneself.

  2. Amazing. You managed to put alot of aspects into perspective for me. Thank You

  3. “And she will teach you things about yourself that you never knew. And there will be joy and sadness and pleasure and pain, and all the things that make life wonderful and worth living.”

    This is the first time I’ve ever read what D/s can mean for the Dominant without the word “control” being used. I think the submissive would find the greatest joy in knowing that she affected her Dominant in this way.

  4. ” And sometimes, if you get it just right, it will do all of those things at once, and you will begin to know in that moment the true meaning of the word awesome.”

    I took my first steps MANY years ago but it is so refreshing to read such an eloquently written post that echoes my thoughts. It seems as if you had listen to a conversation I recently had with a vanilla friend that learned of my Dominant nature. As I worked to explain the difference between her perspective, that it is so much more than being a kinky lover she asked “Isn’t that a lot of work? Why would you want to do that?” To which I replied. “if you find the right person it is amazing”.

    • Indeed. And welcome to Liberate One.

    • I liked the subtle but informed way you replied to this writing. Can I ask you if you can be found in another forum where perhaps we could talk further? Fetlife perhaps?
      I am newer and most certainly dominant. I read above becuase Im doing what the piece suggests. Im researching and growing within myself.
      Its time for me to make friendships with other Doms.
      Feel free to respond to me if you feel inclined.

  5. I am very new at being a Dom, my girlfriend was the one that introduced my to the sceen and I am still just a little confused about it. She tells me to do whatever I want and whatever I want her to do but I’m just a little worried that I mite go a little to far and push her away. Can somebody please help my with this? I love her so much and I want to be the best Dom I can without going overboard

    • Well, you should start with the advice in the above post. You should also consider having your submissive write out an essay about what she thinks submission means, why she wants to submit, and what she expects to get from a D/s relationship. Then use that essay to help both of you have a conversation about what you both want.

  6. Currently vanilla female and would love to explore sub.. after my essays, of course. 😉 How do doms and subs find one another? I want a dom that’s well developed..

    • Welcome to Liberate One. I would suggest you find a BDSM group (or more if possible) in your general area. Singing up at a site like Fetlife allows you to look for meetings of BDSM groups. There may be some other way, but I am not sure what that is. If anyone knows, feel free to post it here in the comments.

      • Thank you. I’ve looked at some BDSM sites and it’s really “slim pickins” on there.. I’ll keep at it though.

  7. I have met a Sub who is looking for a Dom. I WANT to be that Dom. How to I become the best Dom. possible starting from the beginning?

    • Starting from the beginning? Start by reading the post above. Do what it says. When you have, get back to me. If you can show a little more respect next time, I might have more advice for you.

      • The Reflection forgotten Says:

        Beautifully put.

      • I was approached by a sub that wants me to be his Dom. I’m new to the life but I’ve always been interested. I want to be in control and at the same time I want him to know that his feelings and opinions do count. Is that wrong?

  8. ekim evorgrah Says:

    hello my name is Michael……when ever I’m I. the bed room with a woman I thrive on getting off only if I’m in control……I want to learn more about being a Dom….. but while though I fantasize abut being the dom….. I’m timmid yet and submissive I think this is a mind thing……. I want to learn and I don’t know where to start….. I’m a man and well egos I guess play a role…. but I’m out of my closet now and I don’t know where to turn…..I want to have my soulmate in my life the right woman who will love me the way I desire to love her…… please help with any suggestions on what to do where to turn….. and should I find a domme fem to show me how to be a sub and guide me to my dom….. please help me autumn I’m lost….

    • Okay. Well, first, breathe. Then read the post at the top part of this page. You know, the one titled “On the First Steps to Becoming a Good Dominant”. Start that process. Start a journal. Write your thoughts out. Do some research. Write some more. Start that process. Use it to pull your thoughts and yourself together. What you need more than anything else, so far as I can tell, is some clarity. No one but you can get that clarity for you. Sort your thoughts. Start learning about who you truly are. Then you will start to see what you need to do.

  9. My girlfriend recently asked if I would be interested in a d/s relationship. At first it worried me, making me think I wasn’t giving her what she wanted/needed in a relationship. But after reading this I find that our relationship could in many cases grow and become stronger. I appreciate all the tips and the time it must have taken to write this all out. I really needed this. I def need to do some writing. Thanks again.

  10. I am readings/writing/researching and I know that this is where I belong. My struggle is in determining how far my boundaries will go as much as I consider myself the Dom type I would like to learn the Sub type first so that I can become a greater Dom. Thank you for your post and guidence.

  11. I just read your post and it has given me a lot to think about I’m just taking my first steps into a D/s relationship as a dom and my partner is a very experienced sub and as much as she wants to be the best she can for me I also want to be the best I can for her

  12. Although being a Dominant comes naturally to me,I’m still growing and learning every day about how to take care of my subs and have a mutually fulfilling D/s relationship thats based on more than just Kink.
    Thank you so much for such a beautiful post that has inspired me and reminded me that I really do need to start writing down my thoughts and feelings about D/s ….something I felt the need to do for some time now,but was just putting off..
    I too feel that there is so much more to Domination than just in the bedroom,and I’m always grateful and in awe of the trust my subs place in me,and feel a very strong sense of responsibility towards them.

  13. XSirDementedX Says:

    Greetings. I have been in the lifestyle a little over a year and it is amazing to see posts about the lifestyle that I really enjoy reading. I love learning and growing in this amazing lifestyle. I am a Daddy Dom and would love to see topics on that.Thank You for the aawesome mentorship.

  14. John4575 Says:

    Thank you for sharing . Most of you words mirror my own beliefs especially about learning from your Sub. I am in the position where some time ago my D/s relationship broke down . In a way my confidence took a beating as I was had put 100% trust into the relationship and other than assuming I was being ‘handled’ for want of a better word, I found my self in a solo situation that I had not seen coming and. I follow the premise once a Dom always a Dom and through meditation and reflection I have decided I am ready to build another relationship . I find my self talking to a self described ‘very well trained’ sub, she is actively seeking a Dom and my gut is telling me to step up . The reason I am posting in this blog is I feel I am starting again . I am hesitant to tell her my Rituals and rules . I seem to be constantly slowing the flow of conversation …. Do you have a Mantra you may have come across to pull into focus my feeling of being inadequate to her needs. Or advice on which information to share and when, We are meeting on the weekend and are both looking forward to it . We made our first ‘memory’ last night ( non sexual ) so things are progressing . I just can’t seem to find my Rhythm .
    Thank you again for your insights.

    • My advice would be do not try to find a rhythm. Let it happen naturally. You will find your rhythm in due time. Remember, the submissive too will have to find her rhythm with you. You and the submissive are both making adjustments. Also, don’t over think this. Don’t be thoughtless, but do not so much time trying to figure out the right thing to do that you do nothing. As you take the steps forward, you will find your footing.

  15. John4575 Says:

    Thank you for your advice . I thought over thinking was something I had under control a long time ago :)again thanks.

  16. Miss Emma Says:

    I am just starting out as a man I have been dating says he is a submissive. I love the idea of writing my thoughts since they seem to keep coming into my mind. Now realize that trying to be sub to a man is not natural to me and that is whey previous relationships have failed. This experience may be freeing.

    • How did you start. My boyfriend is a submissive, and needs a dominate. He is going else where to find one and it is causing problems for us. I have wanted to do this in the past, but I had no options to learn.

  17. Thank you much for the usefull advice. am a kenyan i had never heard of d/s relationship before i met the love of my life who is a british. he wants me dominate him, which am learning on how to go about it but my problem is that he wants me to humiliate him in public i dont think i can do that. i want him to be happy please help.

    • Humiliating submissive men is really not something I do. However, I am sure you can find plenty of information online. Look for Dominatrix sites. I am sure you will find more information there.

  18. I feel as if I would make a good dominant, but I need guidance as I am getting into this role. Is there anyone, male and or female, that can help?

    [XAJOW’S EDIT: Please do not post your e-mail address. That is just not a good idea.]

    Serious people only please and thank you.

    • Joe, I appreciate your enthusiasm, but posting your e-mail address here for any one to see is not a good idea. I am not sure what sort of guidance you are looking for, but I would be happy to answer questions in private, if you want to make a comment here and ask for a private conversation. Also, husdom.com is a good place to go for advice about being a Dominant.

  19. My wife hit me out of the blue last night with the whole D/s thing. I was pissed at first thinking what did i do wrong why does she need this (I was stupid to think this)After reading I have no idea how many post from guys who well didnt have a clue. I came across this thinking omg not another one. But she seemed to be exited about it so i want to be the best i can be. After reading this over 1500 word post and I realized that we could both grow as a couple and that we could both become stronger people for the effort .I cant stop reading and writing. I always thought of the sexual aspect of it which is most likely why i got mad to begin with .Thinking i was not good enough. The fact is i dont think i was . I honestly had no clue that it could make a relationship better if done correctly THANK YOU FOR THIS POST REALLY THANK YOU A HUNDRED TIMES OVER. after reading this i am starving for information from someone who knows something ( like yourself) Not just some Ahole who says tie her up and make her like it. The first post i found had me ready to throw my pc through a window. Thank you again i look forward to reading anything else u have to say on this subject and request any other blog or web sights that arent done by people who need to be slapped with a 2×4 for being cruel Aholes.I know have a thirst for knowledge knowing that it will make me a better man as well as forfilling desires in us both I CANT WAIT !!!!!

    • I would recommend you also check out husdom.com. There is more information there specifically for husbands taking up the mantle of Dominant. And a community of men with whom you can talk about the issues of learning the ins and outs of D/s.

      I am glad my words could be of some help to you, Sam. Welcome to Liberate One.

  20. I have come to the realization that I may be interested in starting a D/s relationship with my boyfriend of almost 9 years, but feel that we would both need to work at it if it would ever become what I feel I need. I’m not sure how to bring it up with him without making him feel inadequate. Reading this has helped put things in prospective but don’t know how to bring him into my plan😳

  21. Thank you for this very helpful post. My girlfriend has been dropping hints that she is submissive so I took the dive and saw how she reacted if I took control and she loved it. This is my first time being a Dom though I have an assertive personality so I am looking up information that will aid both of us in making our relationship all the better. Thank you again I’m sure no one asked you to post something so helpful so thank you for spending your time on helping others.

  22. I would like to start by saying Thank you. I recently started see a woman that is a sub and she wants me to be her dom and I did’t have a clue how to being figuring all this out. But your post really opened my eyes. Thanks again. Oh and you are a great writer. I myself am a published writer and I have to give credit where it’s do and you deserve a lot of credit Thank you.

  23. Hi! So I loved the article but I have one problem with it. It is the use of the female pronouns when refering to the submissive. As a LGBTQA+ genderqueer person, I find this a bit restrictive. Subsmissive can be of any gender and I think the article would have been WAY better if the submissive was referred to as a “they” instead of “she”. Overall though, I found it really interesting! Especially since I am a learning dom and am looking for tips to be better at it. Thank for the article!

  24. Thank you so much for writing this. I have been trying to explain why i believe a d/s relationship will help our marriage. I haven’t been able to put the meaning of a true dom into words like this, at first he just thought it was about spanking. But now after many conversations and going into more depth he is opening up and i do believe this essay will help a ton. Thank you so much for writing this

  25. This article just brought a tear to my eye. I’ve newly discovered this world and realized it was what was missing. This is the article that I’m going to hand to my boyfriend and say “Read this and let me know if you can really commit.” So well written, just beautiful. Thank you! I finally don’t feel like a freak

  26. I read a blog about a year ago from a man in the U.K. I think it was titled what it means to be dominant.blog.uk. Sadly, it was taken down. He wrote about a book he read that was part of a trilogy written in the 1960s I think. The book was titled The Bracelet. It was about a Dom who gave his sub a bracelet instead of a collar. If anyone knows the author or the name of the trilogy, I would appreciate the info.

  27. Thank you for the information and insight into D/s. Being a Dom is something my wife wants me to do but I think it’s for the wrong reasons. She wants to quit smoking and flying off the handle so she thinks this is the solution. I haven’t done much on the he way of research, but it seems to me that this is not a good way of having a D/s relationship with my spouse. Any advice would be appreciated.

    • I agree in general that a D/s relationship is not the answer to smoking and self-control matters. If your wife is looking for more structure and discipline in her life, however, then I think having a discussion with her about that is worthwhile. Do your own research, and talk with her about it. Discuss with her just what she wants from D/s. Her desire may go deeper than just getting rid of problems like smoking and tantrums. Whether it does or does not, use the opportunity to find out. Even if you do not end up in a 24/7 D/s relationship, you might find a path to help her feel the structure that she desires.

      You are right that basing a D/s relationship on stopping your wife from smoking and having angry fits is not a sound foundation. A healthy D/s relationship goes much deeper than that. And it needs honesty and trust and communication from both parties. My advice is to start with communication. Have an honest conversation with your wife. Ask hard questions. Be fully honest with her about your thoughts on the matter. Whether or not that leads you to a D/s relationship, it will still be good for both of you.

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