On the First Steps to Becoming a Good Dominant
So you have determined you are someone with a dominant nature. Or someone is asking you to be a Dominant in a relationship. Or you have stumbled across this Dominance/submission stuff and you are wondering what it is all about. In any case, what you want to know is what would and/or should a person starting out as a Dominant do. Okay, let’s talk about that.
I will give you some advice similar to that which I give people new to submission. Start writing down your thoughts. I recommend a journal of some sort. Start by writing down what you think of Dominance/submission now. Write down why you are looking into D/s. Write down why you think you are or maybe are not suited to D/s. Yes, that is a lot of writing. Writing things down forces your mind to process the thoughts you have. It helps you organize what you think and why you think it.
Next, do some research. Actual research, not just looking at some bondage porn. D/s is not inherently about bondage or even sex. D/s is about the relationship between a Dominant and his submissive. Bondage or sex maybe be a part of your D/s relationship in time, but do not start there. Start with learning about the responsibilities of being a Dominant. There are blogs and websites a plenty about D/s. Go read some of them. Read what people say about dominance, and also read what people say about submission. One good way to learn about the responsibilities of being a Dominant is to see what submissives say about what they need and how their Dominants address their needs. But also read what other Dominants have to say about being Dominant and what it means to them.
I will warn you now, you will find some differing perspectives on what D/s is. Some will say the submissive is always in charge. (I do not agree, but this is not the time for that discussion.) Others will say a Dominant is only a Dominant when he has a submissive. Some will say a Dominant is always a Dominant. Some will say D/s is an integral part of their relationship and who they are. Still others will say it is just something they do for fun and not really a big deal in the overall scheme of their lives. And so on and so on.
So what do you do with all those perspectives? You write about them and start determining where you are in the wide field of opinions and perspectives on D/s. Write about what you find in your research. Write down your opinions about what you find. Do more research and more writing.
When you think you have things sorted out, then write some more. Has your understanding of D/s changed? Do you think differently about it now? What do you think about why you do or do not want to get into D/s? Write it all down. Make your brain filter through all the thoughts you have. Organize your thoughts. Read what you write, and then write some more.
Does this seem like a lot of work? Well, it is. Being a good Dominant is a serious task. It is not something to be taken up frivolously. Even if you choose D/s as only something done to kink up the sexual aspect of your relationship, you should understand why you choose that and what it means, and then learn to do it well. Because even in the scenario where D/s is confined to things sexual for you and your partner, it will have an effect on the rest of your relationship. So do it well.
There is another reason why I prescribe all that writing. One of the most important things a Dominant should be is self-aware. By which I mean, a Dominant should know himself and know himself well. That means thinking about who you are and how you came to be who you are. It means not lying to yourself about your flaws and limitations. It means being honest and truthful with yourself as much as possible.
And know that as you start this process of becoming a good Dominant, you are not going to know yourself as well as you may think. The process of D/s will show you things about yourself you did not know before. Do not be afraid of that. Embrace it. The more you learn about yourself, the more clearly you will be able to see not just what you want as a person, but what you want from the D/s relationship and what you need to do to improve yourself as a person and as a Dominant.
There is something else I should say here to those of you who are still learning about Dominance. Good leadership is service. Understand that a proper D/s relationship is not an unequal relationship. Your submissive will submit to you and serve you. You, as a Dominant, will lead and serve your submissive. I do argue that the Dominant is the one in charge in a D/s relationship, but being in charge does not mean having everything your own way. Being in charge does not mean neglecting the needs of the submissive.
Understand that your job as Dominant is not to be a dictator. Your job as Dominant is to be a leader. Will there be rules? Will you train your submissive? Will you sometimes punish your submissive? Of course. But if you do all of that merely to selfishly serve your whims, you will be engaging in abuse, not true dominance. True dominance and leadership is about elevating the submissive, raising her up, encouraging her, making her feel safe, being her strength when she feels weak, and helping her to become a better person.
You do not just set rules for your submissive to get her to do what you want. You set rules for your submissive to provide her with structure and stability. You train your submissive and, when necessary, punish your submissive not from capriciousness or vindictiveness, but in patience and understanding so that she improves and learns and grows both as your submissive and as a person. As you help the submissive, you will become stronger and better and wiser. In other words, you will become a better person too.
How do you know what rules to set? How do you know what training she needs? That will come from learning about D/s, but also from learning about your submissive. As a Dominant, you need to know yourself, and you need to know your submissive. You will need to communicate with your submissive about D/s, and about what she wants and needs and feels. And no, it really will not be that difficult. Your submissive wants to trust you. She wants you to know what she needs and desires. And she wants you to help her feel safe and secure. She will tell you all the things you should know about her, so long as you pay attention to her.
Listen to your submissive. Watch her. Watch her body language. Pay attention to not just what she says, but how she says it. She will tell you all you need to know if you pay attention.
And when you pay attention, and learn about her, she will reveal the most amazing things to you. What amazing things? I cannot say exactly. Every submissive is different. But you will see her strengths and her faults and her confidence and her doubt, and her inner little girl, and her inner slut, and everything in between. And she will teach you things about yourself that you never knew. And there will be joy and sadness and pleasure and pain, and all the things that make life wonderful and worth living.
Being a Dominant is not a light thing. It is a heavy responsibility. It can be very difficult. But it will also be amazing. You will find beauty and joy you have not yet imagined. It will shape you and mold you into a stronger, better person. It will astonish you and frighten you and please you and inspire you. And sometimes, if you get it just right, it will do all of those things at once, and you will begin to know in that moment the true meaning of the word awesome.
So though the work and responsibility of being a good Dominant may seem daunting, becoming a good Dominant is worth the effort. You will become a better person. You will gain wisdom and understanding. You become stronger and more mature.
So if you think the Dominance part of this D/s thing is for you, then do not be daunted. Remember, you do not have to do all of it at once. You do not have to be perfect. You just have to be willing to take the next step.
Remember also, you are not alone. And being a Dominant is not evil. You can be a good person and a Dominant at the same time.
I hope this post helps those of you who are investigating D/s. I will write more posts for Dominants in the weeks to come, but this post is now over 1500 words, so I am going to stop for now.