Getting to Know Your Dominant

I was asked some time back to talk about a Dominant’s needs versus wants. Specifically mine. Well, I am not going to get specific about mine. That is a topic for a private discussion in a different situation. I can speak, however, a little bit and in more general terms about the wants and needs of a Dominant. So that is what I will do.

Wants versus needs is always an issue. In submissives and in Dominants. A Dominant should always be open to examining his desires to assess what he merely wants and what he truly needs. Why? Because a Dominant should always be honest with himself.

A lot of D/s, and BDSM more generally, is often depicted as being wrapped up in things sexual. And while there may be a biological drive for sex, let us be clear that D/s is not about sex. Dominance/submission is about Dominance and submission. Why am I pointing this out? The inexperienced Dominant may think D/s is just about sexual games in the bedroom. But even sexual games in the bedroom is never just about sexual games in the bedroom. While sexual games can be fun and pleasurable, they are not a need. They are a want.

And more often than not,  the little things, the details we Dominants want our submissives to learn, are not needs. They are wants. And a Dominant who does not know himself can get bogged down in the want details and lose sight of what he needs.

What does a Dominant need? A Dominant is a human being first and foremost. We need what human beings need. Food. Shelter. Warmth. Social interaction. But there is something else too. Dominants who are dominant by nature need to be able to express that dominant nature. We need to be able have that control.

It is not about trying to control everyone or everything. A wise Dominant will learn that is impossible anyway. But just as someone who is submissive by nature will feel the need to submit, the need to surrender control, the Dominant has a need to be in control.

Does a Dominant need to control a submissive? Good question. Need as in need food to live? No. Need as in need social interaction with other people? Yes, I think so. There is an emotional and intellectual need for it. There is something about a healthy D/s relationship that heals and makes happy a Dominant which nothing else can provide. So yes, I think it is a need.

Am I saying a Dominant needs a submissive who is little more than a puppet to be happy? No. That is not what a Dominant needs at all. Someone who says he needs someone to be his meek puppet is just an asshole. What a Dominant needs is someone who submits willingly, who serves and who needs the control a Dominant provides.

But this post is not about what a good submissive should be.

What a Dominant also needs is to serve. And for those of you who are new to D/s or are coming here with some militant feminist ideas, yes I did say a Dominant needs to serve. Because part of that Dominant nature is the desire to protect and aid the one(s) in his care.

Being Dominant is not easy or simple or just some chauvinistic bigotry. Why? Because being Dominant is not a simple, one-dimensional thing. It is a profound and complex thing. It is a deep-seated need, as fundamental to a Dominant as the need to be loved or find happiness.

What a Dominant needs is to be dominant. What a Dominant wants is that which helps him achieve that.

So does a Dominant need to control sex with his submissive? No. Does a Dominant want to control sex as an expression of his dominance? Yes. (Your mileage may vary.) Does a Dominant need a submissive to kneel and wait on him? No. Does a Dominant want that as an expression of the submissive’s acceptance of his dominance? Yes. I could go on, but I think you should be able to get the idea.

Obviously, not all Dominants want these sorts of things all the time. Some seek a 24/7 D/s relationship. Some seek a relationship that is only D/s at home or in the bedroom. And not every Dominant will seek to express his dominant nature the same way. We are, after all, individual human beings.

So if you want to know more about what a Dominant needs and what he wants, ask him. Talk to him. Get to know him. There are no magic clues for understanding all Dominants. Remember that while there is a group of people who are Dominants, we are not a club. We are just people. Just humans.

We have egos that get bruised. We can be abused. We can have failings and quirks that influence the way we express ourselves.

My point is that knowing the needs and wants of a Dominant means knowing the Dominant as an individual. There are some general traits that Dominants usually share. But to know a person requires getting to know that person.

I am kinda tired. I am going to stop now. If you are good, and if you ask me the right questions, I may write more on this topic another time.

16 Responses to “Getting to Know Your Dominant”

  1. Sir, My Master always says that he is Dominant by Nature, it is who He is and how He functions. We work as a team to define how we fulfill His needs as Master and my needs as his submissive. The relationship is a give and take, a power exchange (for us) and not necessarily just sexual. Again, it takes work from both parties.

    • You are quite correct. The Dominant and submissive working out how they serve each other’s wants and needs is fundamental to a healthy D/s relationship. But this is also why knowing oneself, whether Dominant or submissive, is so important.

      • Yes, Sir. Point taken — forgive me I was thinking it through. To recap: Doms and subs need to know themselves and their needs vs.wants. Then be able to communicate their needs/wants to their partner, Leather family, whatever.

  2. One of the best explanations I have found regarding a Dominant’s needs and wants — thank you for that. My question is related (at least somewhat in my mind) …. How does a Dominant know a certain submissive will fulfill his wants and fit his needs?

  3. […] One wrote up an informed post on the pertinence of a Dominant knowing their wants vs needs. On top of that, I’ve been talking to a potential partner on fetlife. Xajow’s post and […]

  4. Very well said! Good food for thought. So much so that I’ve mentioned your post in my latest post

    All the best,

  5. I would just like to say thank you for the time and effort you take in writing these posts – they’re informative and interesting. I appreciate your clear and concise way of putting your thoughts to paper and the different perspective it encourages. As a woman new to the this type of relationship, I’m always looking to further improve myself and your point of view is helpful.

    Have a great day.

  6. I have read over about 5 of your blogs so far and I just want to thank you for your time. You are incredibly knowledgeable and I am truly fascinated. You explain your opinion while stating the facts behind certain statements or facts you may consider wrong. I am learning so much. Thank you!!

  7. I’m am a true and deep submissive at heart, but my husband doesn’t want to take the time and dedication needed to learn to become a good and loving dom and it really breaks my heart and I just don’t know what to to do.

    • Not knowing you or your husband or the situation, I don’t know what to tell you to do about it. I am going to guess you are not in a abusive relationship and suggest that you simply keep being the best submissive you can be to your husband. Sometimes bringing the other person in a relationship around to D/s just takes time.

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