The Perpetual Question of Certainty

Time for class, students. In relationships, particularly those that leave us vulnerable to being hurt, we often find the question of certainty. And this is no less true in Dominance/submission relationships. I was asked recently, “How does a Dominant know a certain submissive will fulfill his wants and fit his needs?” There are really two questions here. The literal question itself, and the implied question. Are you prepared? Good. Class begins.

When I speak of the question of certainty in relationships, I should ask, do you know what I mean? Yes, cute girl on the front row? Yes, the question “How do I know he loves me?” is part of that. Good girl. The question of certainty encompasses more than that though. It is not just “How do I know she loves me?” but also things like: “How do I know I can trust him?” and “Why would she care about me?” What most of these kinds of questions have at their foundation is the desire to not be hurt emotionally.

And I say all that to point out that these questions come to the minds of all of us, men and women, Dominants and submissives. Certainty is always in question, and it always will be because none of us are telepaths (thank God). But while we cannot know in a testable, verifiable way, we can accept on faith that the certainty we desire does exist.

Yes, cute girl on the front row? Why am I talking about this instead of answering the question I was asked? Be patient. I will explain in due time.

The question was asked is “How does a Dominant know a certain submissive will fulfill his wants and fit his needs?” As I said, there are really two questions here, the literal and the implied. Let us start with the literal one.

Much will depend on how well a Dominant knows himself. The more self-aware the Dominant is of his needs and wants and quirks, the better able he will be to discern in submissives the qualities he believes will suit him. (Which is one of the reasons why a Dominant knowing himself is so important.) When a Dominant is choosing a submissive, he is looking for much more than just someone who will obey instructions. He is looking for the answers to questions like: does she make me laugh, can I make her laugh, can she carry on a conversation with me, does she please me, what is inside that outer shell of the personality she shows everyone else, and so on.

Is the Dominant literally thinking these questions? Probably not. But he will be looking for the answers. And for the Dominant there will be another question too. How can he be sure this submissive will fulfill his wants and fit his needs? But more on that in a bit.

What about the implied question? “How does a Dominant know a certain submissive will fulfill his wants and fit his needs?” carries the implied question: How can a submissive know that a Dominant can know a certain submissive will fulfill his wants and fit his needs? The answer depends on what one means by the word know.

The submissive cannot know as a fact that a Dominant can know a certain submissive will fulfill his wants and fit his needs. But she can know by faith. The submissive can believe that a Dominant knows such a thing. But how can that be good enough?

The Dominant too must know by faith. He cannot see the future. He cannot literally read the mind of the submissive. But he can come to believe a certain submissive will fulfill his wants and fit his needs. He can know by faith that the submissive he chooses will be the right one.

As human beings, we are all going to make mistakes and sometimes be wrong. (I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.) And sometimes what we believe does not always pan out as we hope it will. But this is part of human experience. And we all have to accept somethings in faith. But how can that be knowing?

Faith, as one version of the Bible explains, “is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen” (Hebrews 11:1, NKJV). Another version says “faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen” (ESV). To know by faith is to accept as true the evidence that we cannot see or measure or verify.

In one sense, the Dominant cannot know that a submissive is the right one. But in another, he can know it. Because he can believe it. And a submissive can know that a Dominant is the right one because she can believe it. And she can know her Dominant knows she is right for him because she can believe it.

Some of you may be thinking that I am now trying to portray D/s as some sort of spiritual experience. Yes, I suppose I am. But then all close, long-term human relationships are spiritual. Certainly, all romantic relationships should be. And yes, I am now speaking of long-term D/s relationships as romantic relationships.

And yes, the answer to the question(s) I was asked is very nearly if not actually a spiritual answer. How does a Dominant know a certain submissive will fulfill his wants and fit his needs? He does not, and yet he does. He believes it. And that is enough. And how does a submissive know a certain Dominant will fulfill her wants and fit her needs? She does not, and yet she does. She believes it. And that is enough.

Yes, cute girl on the front row? You are not sure you can believe that way? Sure you can. You believed the chair you are sitting on would support you when you sat down. You believe the world around you as you experience it is real and not just a figment of your imagination. You know these things even though you do not really have proof. Yes, I know, you want to tell me how all that is different. No, it really is not. And I know what interferes with your faith.

Fear. If the chair you saw before you sat down was rickety and seemed to be barely holding together, you might not have believed it would support you because you would have feared that it would break. When we fear getting hurt emotionally by relationships, it interferes with our faith. Yes, if you move past your fear and believe and are proven wrong, that will hurt. And you will learn and grow and become wiser. This is not a bad thing. Embrace it.

And if you move past your fear and believe and are proven right, then you will know that you can know even when you do not really know.

I hope all that makes some kind of sense to you. As usual, feel free to ask more questions.

Class dismissed. You, cute girl on the front row, you get to stay after class for a special lesson on spank… er, I mean, on faith. I will teach you to believe in a belt.

12 Responses to “The Perpetual Question of Certainty”

  1. Serendipity1972 Says:

    oh I have never been described as cute before, but thank you….teehee

  2. I must say I never expected this answer. And I have to laugh because I do believe you were a bit telepathic in what my doubts would be with your answer. And NO, I am not assuming that you were talking to me in the front row. 😉

    You very eloquently touched upon one of those very tricky subjects for me — faith. As you stated, if we have faith and are proven wrong, then we hurt and learn. For some of us, that lesson makes us more fearful to try again. Instead of looking for a more stable chair, I look for an overly large, brand new couch. I avoid the chairs completely. And if chairs are all that are available, then I choose to stand instead of falling and breaking my tailbone, again.

    While I do enjoy a bit of pain mixed with my pleasure, it is purely physical pain. I do not take any comfort in emotional torment, negligence or abuse.

    What does that have to do with your amazing answer? I need faith and trust to find a dominant man to protect me from the emotional pain I fear so much and yet he is the one that can cause me the greatest harm.

    Thank you so much for providing me with a very detailed, well constructed answer to my question(s). It greatly helped me question myself even more!! 🙂

    Also — I have spent time working on the submissive version to your last story. I am struggling with my own reactions and whether I should truly write it from my personal perspective of that situation or write what is most expected/desired.

    Thank you again!!

  3. Serendipity1972 Says:

    Just joking actually, definitely not an assumption! Hopeful? Always.

  4. This is a very beautifully expressed treatise on relationships in general as well as the D/s kind. Faith and fear, juxtaposed, intertwined and forever getting in each other’s way. I am a firm believer in the holistic being so appreciate when the spiritual is evoked as a significant element in relationship. As always, I will be thinking about this for some time. Thank you.

  5. Serendipity1972 Says:

    Hi Xajow, Just hoping you are ok and to wish you a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year x

  6. Xajow,

    Again, on the hoping that everything is alright…

    Wishing you the best this holiday season.

    Mr Fox

  7. misbehavin Says:

    I rather appreciate you referring to this relationship as romantic, why cant it be? One gives themselves to another completely and the other takes their fears , hopes, dreams,behaviors, desires, and sexual cravings all rolled up into one and are responsible for them. In a sense, their happiness, as well as ones own. While the other aims to be pleasing and pay homage in a way, to that gift that has been given to them. So yes it is romantic I think, so thank you for saying so. I may not have the experience of others or many for that matter but I can appreciate the roles of both form this view point.

  8. Sir, is not faith then also reinforced by the wants and needs being fulfilled as the relationship grows and develops? As wants and needs are fulfilled, and words and actions reflect how they feel, and I do not talk about the flowery words or a gift on valentines day, but the gift of honesty, no matter how difficult, I would think faith in he or she being the right one would grow stronger. This to me is what makes the relationship romantic. When it is spoken of in regards to marriage where two people come together as one, this is the spiritual element of a relationship, where their is no separation of their spirits. Without faith that connection becomes corroded if it ever developed at all.

    Thank you Sir. I liked that you spoke of the spiritual element in relationships. People speak of their hearts being broken which at least for me creates an image of our physical heart when in reality it is the heart of our spirit that is broken. How did you gain so much knowledge regarding relationships? I sometimes think you should write a book or collect all your posts and publish them in a book. This is all very valuable knowledge and I am not the only one who has had difficulty locating information regarding healthy long term D/s relationships, or even just understanding what it means to be submissive. I am so thankful I came across your blog.

    • Yes, faith is reinforced as the relationship grows. That is true, and as it should be.

      Thank you for the kind words. A book you say? Hm. I will have to think about that one.

      • Yes, Sir, a book. Maybe it is only here in Canada but when I searched for books I only found one, and nothing about it made me want to reach out and pick it up. From the quality of advice you give here, you have a wealth of knowledge, let it help pay you back for all the hard work you have put in to acquire it.

        You are welcome, I only speak how I feel, and you deserve to know what sharing your knowledge does for others. I wish more would tell you. I can’t tell you how frustrating it was to have no reliable source and only seeing BDSM as an example. It was scary to say the least. You have helped eliminate some of my fear.

        My view of the book would be focused on the relationship aspect and the dynamics of D/s while trying to raise a family. But then there is so much more and your network of contacts with others could help pull in personal stories. I wouldn’t be opposed to you using mine, to show what can happen when someone denies their basic nature or has no idea what they are searching for.

        I better shut up now Sir, this is getting too long. (smiles) by the way, I’m glad I followed your advice I read about using a journal, it is helping me to focus my thoughts.

        Thank you Sir.

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