How Well Do You Know Your Submissive?

Submissives, this post is not directed at you. In this post, I will be talking to Dominants only. This post is for all Dominants, but especially young and/or inexperienced Dominants. Yet even experienced Dominants may learn something. So pay attention.

How well do you know your submissive? I do not mean how long have you known her (or him*). I mean, how well do you really know your submissive? Think about that for a moment.

Sure, you have asked the usual questions. What’s your favorite color? What’s your favorite movie? What do you like to eat? What is your favorite fetish? What are your hard limits? Have you ever been to Boston in the fall? And these are good questions to ask.

But if I asked you to tell me who your submissive’s favorite fictional character is, could you tell me? If I asked what does your submissive likes most/least about your leadership, could you tell me? If I asked, what is the one thing your submissive would like most to accomplish with her life, could you tell me?

If you could honestly answer yes to all three questions, good. If not, you should take the time to find the answers you don’t have.

Knowing your submissive is not just knowing her schedule and her kinks. Know your submissive as a person. Don’t make assumptions.

Remember, part of your job as the Dominant is to serve the needs of your submissive. To do that well, you need to know what the needs of your submissive are.

As nice as it might be to just say to the submissive “what are your needs?” and then get an accurate and comprehensive list in reply, that is almost certain to never happen. Sure, you can (and should) ask, and you might even get a good reply. But your submissive is still learning about herself. She does not fully know or see all of her needs. You may not either, but you can gain an understanding of her needs that she does not have.

Go get a book. Any book you have handy. A book book, as the kids might say. Paper, ink, printed words. A book. Go get one. I’ll wait.

Got one? Good. Now open the book to somewhere near the middle. Some place with plenty of words. Hold the book before your face so that the pages touch your nose and then try to read the words. Unless you are Cyrano de Bergerac, you probably cannot read the words with the book that close. But if you pull the book back from your face, you can start to make out the words.

Your submissive does not know or recognize all of her needs as well as you can because she is too close to herself. If she is smart, she will take the time to try to learn about herself, and to learn from you as act in response to her needs. But you can learn things about her that she may not recognize about herself because you have the distance to see them.

You will have to take the time to open the book and read, of course. Watch your submissive. Pay attention. Communicate. Ask the intimate questions. Do not just ask what she likes to eat or how she likes to kiss. Ask about the things that will show you her deepest dreams and the longing of her heart. That is when you will begin to truly know your submissive.

Some of you may be new to D/s, and are wondering what sort of questions you might ask. Here are a few examples:

  • If you could accomplish one thing in your life, what would it be?
  • If you had a billion dollars (or pounds or euro or whatever your local currency is) what would you do with it?
  • If you could visit any place in the world for a month, where would it be and why?
  • What is something you have always wanted to try, but have not done?
  • Is there a fictional character that you think is like you, and why?
  • Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character, who and why?
  • What do you like most/least about submission?
  • What do you like most/least about me? (Ask this only if you can calmly accept whatever the answer is.)
  • Why is a raven like a writing desk?**

That ought to be enough to get you started. But do not stop there. Come up with your own questions. Use the answers you get to spring board to other questions. No matter how deep you think you have gone in knowing your submissive, chances are good that you can go deeper.

Remember, D/s is not an excuse to dehumanize the submissive. That the submissive is submitting does not make her a lesser person. Her needs are not less important than yours. And if you treat her as if her needs are less important, then you are treating her as a lesser person. And that will poison your D/s relationship.

Your submissive is an individual with a mind of her own. She may submit to your will, but she still has desires and impulses and needs as complex as that of a Dominant. If you want to be a good Dominant, you need to recognize that. The more you can know her needs and desires, and meet those needs and desires, the more your submissive will trust you and submit to you.

Some of you may be old hands at D/s, and may be thinking you know your submissive well enough. Maybe you do. But trying to learn more is not a bad thing. The things your submissive experiences while in submission to you may change her perspective in ways you may not know if you never take the time to find out. What your submissive seeks to gain from submission when she has been submitting to you for years may be very different from what she expected to gain when she first began. There may be something she wants to try but is too afraid to ask. You will not know if you do not take the time to find out.

So just how well do you know your submissive? Maybe it is time you find out.


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* Yes, I only did this once in the post. If my lack of gender neutral pronoun use offends you, too bad. If you’re smart enough to find this page, you ought to be smart enough to figure out how to apply the advice in this post to a non-female submissive without whining about it.

** Okay, maybe don’t ask that question. I was just trying to make sure you were still paying attention.

7 Responses to “How Well Do You Know Your Submissive?”

  1. littleannab Says:

    Reblogged this on Little Anna B (Diamond Eyes) and commented:

  2. Little D Says:

    May I please have your thoughts on Submissive Frenzy? I feel like I am going through the throes of this.

    • Submissive Frenzy. It is an anticipation. It is a bit like children waiting for Christmas morning and presents. Breathe slowly. Be patient.

  3. This is an excellent and thought provoking article Sir. Thank you for sharing you thoughts.

  4. Is there a similar post for how well do you know your dominant? I would appreciate it if you could point me to it.

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