Okay, Let’s Talk About Me

I should explain my absence. This will not be easy for me. And I am not going to delete this post. This will become part of the official record. Which means you will not get a lot of detail. I will try, however, to explain why I have not been posting much. If you would rather not know, just ignore this post. If you want to know, then dare to read on.

I am a bad man. I don’t mean evil or criminal. Not bad as in rotten. Just bad as in faulty. Yes, yes, we all have faults. Mine seem to be larger in number than most folks. No, I do not say this for pity. It is just the truth.

Why bring it up? Because I am only recently discovering just how bad I am. I thought I knew myself, understood myself, not perfectly but pretty well. I was mistaken.

My discovery has staggered me. It was like a hard punch to the sternum. I am just now getting my wind back.

Creation is difficult when the way of creation is covered by the rubble of doubt. Even making posts for this blog seemed nearly impossible.

What could I say that would be of any value? Given all my flaws, how can anything I say be of any value at all? How can I claim wisdom, when I am such a bad person?

Please do not try to reassure me I am not bad. That is not the point of this post. I am just explaining why I was not posting here.

Long story short, I had a lot of self doubt. On top of which, I am alone. No, do not tell me I am not, or that I will find someone. Just don’t go there.

I am alone, and I was feeling it very acutely. Which made creation doubly difficult.

Why do I say I am alone? Because that is just the reality of the situation. Leave it at that.

My heart and mind were not in a good place. And I could not create. Which is almost like saying I could not breathe.

I am managing to get my breath back, I think. I am trying to acknowledge all of my flaws. I am accepting more fully my solitude.

Creation is still difficult. I feel like I may crumble apart just by making the effort.

And that is the best explanation you are going to get as to why I have not been posting.

But I am making progress. Or I think I am.

In all of this, I have let you down, O faithful readers. I made promises about getting posts up and then did not keep them. For this, I deeply apologize. Forgive me.

I do not know how frequently I will get posts up, but I will make an effort to get some up soon.

I hope you are all well. Be good, students. Be good.

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