What I Am Learning About Myself, part the second

Remembrary, remembrary, the fifth of January… No, that does not really work. Ah, well, you can’t expect a golden turn of phrase all the time. What? What do you mean I should still try harder? It is all well and good for you to expect me to write well but I have to come up with the… Oh fine. You’re right. I should try harder. Hm. Now is the winter of my discontent made glorious summer by my own something something something. Hrm. Yeah, that could have gone better. Anyway, I need to get on with this post. So if you are not too put off by the opening, let’s move on.

So now the year is new. Time for new thoughts. But first, I should address some older ones. In my previous post, I said some things that came from a lonely place. Which is not to dispute the whole of it, but I will contradict one thing. I am not a jerk. I am actually quite a nice fellow, even if not the most thoughtful. I am perhaps an other, but that does not make me a jerk. If I offend you by being other, then that is too bad. I will be the man I am and try to become the man I should be, but I will not be the man you demand of me. I am not here to serve your world view. Expecting otherwise does not make me a jerk; it makes you a jerk. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it.

Of course none of you, good and faithful readers, would be among those who expect otherwise. You are all enlightened and good natured and kind. Why else would you be here?

Anyway, thank you to those who tried to send me some comfort after the previous post. I do appreciate it. I was not in a happy place. But enough about that.

Moving forward. We must move forward. I have been reading some books by Nathaniel Branden. Some of you are saying, “Who is Nathaniel Branden?” Well, long story short, he was part of the Objectivist movement when it Ayn Rand was just starting it, had an affair with Rand, got tossed out by Rand, and is still frowned upon by many Objectivists of the cult of Ayn Rand. But the Ayn Rand stuff is not why I am reading his books. Aside from the Rand stuff, Nathaniel Branden was a psychotherapist who wrote extensively about self-esteem.

Mind you, not the sort of wussy, false self-esteem we hear so much about these days. You know, like the nonsense of having sports wherein there is no score so that no one has his or her feelings hurt by not winning. Or that stuff about never saying anything offensive because it might hurt someone else’s self-esteem.

No, Nathaniel Branden wrote about actual self-esteem. The kind where the individual person has responsibility to do something about his own self-esteem. The kind where self-esteem is a bulwark that provides strength and durability, not a fragile construct that must forever be pampered by the cow-towing of others.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. “Why would someone as amazing as Xajow need to read books about self-esteem?” Well, while I know I appear to be someone of astonishing greatness, I still have failings. (Before you start, I know I do not appear to be someone of astonishing greatness. It was just an attempt at humor.) There are many things I am trying to fix within myself. And I knew, from what I had heard from others, that I could trust Branden to provide sound advice. When he died early in December, I was reminded of his work and finally bought a few of his books.

Which books? Honoring the SelfHow to Raise Your Self-Esteem and The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem.

When I have finished reading them and making notes for myself, I will post some of his words and my thoughts about his words here at this very blog.

Anyway, I am learning that I have let too many things get in the way of a healthy self-confidence. I need to break free of those things and move forward. I was gaining some confidence, and the illusion that certain folks were starting to accept me and respect what I do. When that illusion broke apart, I let it affect my self-confidence. I was relying too much on them for approval. That was wrong.

You may think it odd that a Dominant would make such a mistake. Well, we are only human. I could explain the whys and wherefores, but I won’t. They are not the point. The point is that I made a mistake, and I working on correcting it.

And I am admitting it. Here. For everyone to see. Why? Because, one, I feel like the previous post calls for me to say more, and, two, because some people think Dominants are supposed to never admit to failings. Dominants are humans too. We have failings. And we should be willing to admit it and keep moving. Only a fool tries to pretend he does not have failings. And fools make very poor Dominants.

So here we go, in a new year. Pushing forward, making improvements. Yes?

No, I have no New Year’s Resolutions. I don’t believe in them. Just figure out where you’re trying to go, and work on getting there.

That is all for now. Be good. Breathe.

25 Responses to “What I Am Learning About Myself, part the second”

  1. mysirstoy Says:

    Glad you are back and look forward to your observations.

  2. Bien-aimé Says:

    Growth is a beautiful thing.

    • Ain’t it just?

      • I had to spend some time in thought over “just”. To justify growth in pain caused by someone else or something out of my control had me hesitating, is it always just. Although I do not always immediatly understand, which is a difficult concept for me, I find that in time it is just. Wither it be just in response to my own actions or just in something that I can not control. It’s always going to be up to me to pursue an understanding and apply the lesson no matter how difficult.

  3. Thank you Sir for posting. We are all human and fallible. Your post has helped me to reconsider my approach for an appointment I have this afternoon which will hopefully make it more beneficial for us both. Take care. Kate

  4. You should write for Thought Catalog. You just submit an article and if they like it (which I’m sure they will) they publish it on their website. You should check it out.

  5. My hope is that your honesty pushes everyone who reads this to work harder on their own short comings. You inspire. Thank you, Sir.

  6. So is there one particular quality that should stand out in particular to an individual letting them know for certain that they are dominant?

    • In a very general sense, it starts with whether or not you are one who naturally takes charge. Not because you seek to push others around, but because you just simply step up to make decisions when others do not. This is by no means the only quality of a Dominant, but if you are looking for an indicator, that would be an obvious one. Also, if you are considering whether you want to be a Dominant in a D/s relationship, I suggest you start with the post at this link.

  7. A pleasure as always when I read your post. Elle has posted some very good articles on her blog. I like having the balance of two interesting blogs. Having articulate, clever authors who care about D/s is a joy and blessing. I’m happy that you have returned to us. I’m also striving on that journey. I’m moving out of my comfort zone and feeling better about myself. I’ll be making improvements in my life so that I can turn my dreams into a reality. Waking up, having choices and looking forward is a wonderful gift. You are always in my thoughts kind Sir. I wish all the best for you. I hope you realize that all your students care.

    Smiles and happiness,

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