Archive for the Women Category

Thoughts on Dominant/submissive Relationships (part 2)

Posted in D/s, Dominance, Men, Philosophy, Relationships, submission, Women with tags , , , , , , , on June 3, 2012 by Xajow

I am prompted to the second part (for the first part, click this link) of this series by two different blogs. First, let’s look at the kinky one.

Kink is about Honesty. In order to be honest with our partners, we must be honest with ourselves.

[…]

Along with basic honesty about what we want, we gotta be sincere about what we don’t want. This requires great thought. I’m debating and reorganizing my thoughts on this, being post-Nate. What do I want from future partners? What don’t I want?

I’ve been talking with a few dominants. Hearing what they want is helping me reorganize my thoughts. The thing is, I used to be a submissive that would look at what a Dom wants and think, “How can I make myself want that?” Now, if I’m not into something, I kinda think, “Eh. Fuck that.” So how sub am I, really?

Anyway. Point being, honesty rules.

That was found at the blog of Sadey Quinn. Now let’s look at the non-kinky one.

What makes you happy?

[…]

7) Being who I am makes me happy.  I am compassionate, empathetic, kind and caring.  I want to help change the world for the better and every day I seek new knowledge because there is an abundance that can be learned and I want to take in as much as I possibly can.

That was found at the blog of Diane Owens.

You are saying, that is nice and all, but what does that have to do with anything about D/s relationships? (Okay, maybe you did not say that, but play along anyway.) In the first installment of this series, I talked about being honest. The Dominant should be honest with the submissive, and the submissive should be honest with Dominant. Oh, you say, as you start to see where I am going. Yes, I say, you also need to be honest with yourself. But I also want to say that to get the most happiness out of a relationship, you should be happy with yourself.

One of my favorite quotes from Shakespeare, and one of the most misunderstood, is this: 

This above all: to thine ownself be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

That is from the play The Tragedy of Hamlet, Prince of Demark. Many people take the “to thine ownself be true” part and think this means to do whatever you want. They are incorrect. Worse than that, they are wrong. Take the whole quote in context, and what it means is basically this: be honest with yourself and you will have integrity in your dealings with other people. When you are true to yourself—when you are honest with yourself about who you are and what you want—you will not be false to others—you will be honest and true with others.

What this requires is a certain amount of self-examination. Not of the body but of the mind and the soul. So what then, you ask, am I suppose to sit around thinking about myself? Maybe, I reply. Or maybe you have a blog. Or maybe you have a journal. However you do it, set time aside to think about who you are and what you want. Having a blog or a journal works well because then you are working through the filter of communication, which forces your mind to sort and consider as you make the words appear. But sometimes, yes you probably should take time to sit down and think about yourself. Stop watching movies and reading books and listening to music and running about doing this or that. Just stop, be alone and think. Take a deep breath and exhale slowly, and take some time to think.

When you know yourself better, being honest with yourself is easier. And when you are honest with yourself being happy with yourself is easier. And when you are happier with yourself, and honest with your Dominant or submissive, your relationship will be better.

I know in D/s circles we talk about things like sub-space and Dom-space, wherein the person reaches a sort of mental and spiritual plateau away from all distractions. It is a mental space of almost not thinking. Everything is immediate and clear and instinctual. But we do not get to stay there. What are you driving at now, you ask. I believe knowing yourself, being honest with yourself makes getting to that place easier. Right now I am reminded of a scene in the movie “The Mission.” The missionary (I think, but I have not seen it in a long time, so forgive me if I am mistaken) is climbing up a cliff or a waterfall, and he carrying a huge bag of stuff with him. A local native fellow comes along and cuts the bag away to that the missionary can more easily reach the top. (You may now insert your own missionary position joke here.) The point being, shedding the things that hold us back from sub-space or Dom-space is easier when we start with less baggage.

Also, when we are honest with ourselves, being honest with the other person in the relationship is easier. It makes saying “I want this because…” or “that is a limit because…” easier because what we know and have thought about is easier to communicate than that about which we are unsure or afraid to consider.

Dominants, I would hope, should have no problem with this. Knowing what we want and why should be important to us already. But I can imagine some submissives out there thinking all this contemplation and self-knowledge seems like a huge burden. So slow down for a moment. Take a deep breath. You do not have to get yourself all figured out in one afternoon. In all truth, you will probably never get yourself all figured out. What I have been talking about is just a portion of the journey. As you live and experience things, particularly within a D/s relationship, you will learn things about yourself you did not know before. Knowing yourself is a gradual process. You do not have to be perfect at it. No one is. And you do not have to do this by yourself. Part of your Dominant’s job is to lead you to a better understanding of yourself. Breathe deep, submissives, and relax. You can do this.

Gosh, you say, Xajow, you are such a brilliant man. Yes, I reply, I know.

But seriously, we are all, Dominants and submissives alike, hopefully on a path of becoming better people. Taking the time to be honest with ourselves, not just about what we want but also about what we do not know, will help us get there. And this is, I think, important to the D/s relationship.

Gosh, you say, Xajow, you sure are garrulous, and we were just kidding about the brilliant part. Yeah, I say, I know.

Thoughts on Dominant/submissive Relationships (part 1, second addendum)

Posted in D/s, Dominance, Men, Relationships, submission, Women with tags , , , , , , , , on June 1, 2012 by Xajow

Over at the Inquisitive Explorer blog, I found this:

This omniscient Dom doesn’t exist in reality. Yes, sometimes you might work with someone often enough and have enough chemistry that it starts to feel like the Top knows your mind, but the reality is that the dynamic desired stems from deep, honest communication. As a submissive, you have to know your limits and what things interest you, and you need to communicate that to your Top. You have to vocalize when you enjoy something and when you don’t. You need to let the person know if they can push you harder. You let them know if you’re upset. People can’t read minds; being kinky doesn’t automatically make you a mind reader.

Exactly.

And then there is this little gem:

Reality is just that – real – and that means it isn’t always sunny or fun, and sometimes involves dealing with people’s real insecurities, awkwardness, and problems. That said, the harder parts are what make the good parts rewarding, and reality is even better than fantasy because of the difficulty, self-growth, and journey you take with your partner(s).

I could not agree more. 

Thoughts on Dominant/submissive Relationships (part 1, addendum)

Posted in D/s, Dominance, Men, Relationships, submission, Women with tags , , , , , , , , on May 31, 2012 by Xajow

In the immediately previous post I spoke of the need for communication between a Dominant and his submissive. As a follow up to that, I direct your attention to a post at the blog missysubmits(sometimes). Here is a snippit:

So the silent treatment is a good thing. To him. I am still a sub and it still f—s with me. Not to mention a human being.

Expletive edited by me for those who may not be prepared to read it.

The silent treatment, as she calls it, can be a tool of communication. Many Dominants are naturally quiet and a lack of verbal reply seems natural. But the submissive in this instance did the right thing. She communicated with her Dominant about it. The answer she got was not one that pleased her, but she has an explanation now. And in this case, as in many cases within a D/s relationship, the submissive’s understanding is not required, merely her acceptance.

Thoughts on Dominant/submissive Relationships (part 1)

Posted in D/s, Dominance, Men, Relationships, submission, Women with tags , , , , , , , , on May 30, 2012 by Xajow

The other day the issue of trust came up in comments about my post “On Being a Dominant.” So let us begin by talking about trust.

Trust is important in any relationship, but doubly so in a D/s relationship. The nature of the Dominant/submissive relationship demands this. The submissive is turning over control to someone else, the Dominant. The submissive must be able to trust the Dominant for this to work. Without trust a submissive would do this only out of fear, and that is not healthy mentally or emotionally.

I want to pause here for a moment. I can imagine a Gorean sort of person saying to this, “Yeah, so what?” To be clear, I am not talking about a true Master/slave relationship even though in some D/s relationships those titles get used. A genuine Master/slave relationship is an entirely different dynamic. I may talk about that in a future post, but I am not talking about that now.

Anyway, one of the things any Dominant must do for a healthy relationship with his submissive is to build trust. Trust is built only in part by respecting limits in sex or public situations or BDSM play. That is important, but trust is built in all the other ways the Dominant treats and interacts with the submissive. How the Dominant speaks to the sub, touches her, looks at her, treats her in public, speaks about her to others, listens to her, acknowledges her, makes her feel, and on and on. All these things build the infrastructure of trust upon which other parts of the relationship will be placed. The more struts and supports and buttresses, so to speak, that one can give that trust, the stronger that trust will be and the better the relationship will be.

That may all seem hard. It is and it isn’t. It is hard in that it is something the Dominant should be aware of and cultivating. It is not hard in that the submissive wants to trust. She needs to trust, and sometimes the littlest thing that is barely noticed if at all by the Dominant will be the thing the sub remembers as a moment which proves to her that she can trust her Dom. That is not to say a Dominant can get away with not worrying about building trust. But it does mean if you put forth the effort to build it, it will grow in ways you will not expect. This is part of the beauty and wonder of a healthy D/s relationship.

Your submissive will notice when you, the Dominant, do the things you intend to do for and/or to her. Understand that she will also sometimes notice when something you do helps her in a way that perhaps you did not intend. She will notice when the words you say to her reflect that you listen to her and that she is important to you. She will notice when you use a word that resonates with her even if you did not consciously choose it for that reason. She will notice your idle stroking of her hair or her breasts or her arm or her leg or whatever, and that will comfort her even if you are not consciously thinking about it. These things will also build trust because they will tell the submissive that the Dominant cares.

When the submissive believes and/or feels that she is safe with the Dominant, then she will trust. Again, this is and is not hard. And for the same reasons. The Dominant should be consciously cultivating a sense of safety for the submissive. At the same time, the submissive needs to feel safe in her submission. This is part of her drive to submit. She wants and needs to feel that safety. She needs to give someone that much trust. She needs to submit. So if the Dominant is doing his job, the trust and sense of safety will grow.

That said, the Dominant needs to be able to trust the submissive. The submissive needs to let her Dominant know that he can trust her to be obedient, to communicate with him, to behave herself in a manner that reflects well on him, and to appreciate his efforts to learn about her care for her. Because this is not a true Master/slave relationship, this is a voluntary relationship. Either party can end it. This is something that both Dominant and submissive can do. But a Dominant needs to believe he is not wasting him time.

If, for example, a submissive woman tells a Dominant man, “I want to submit to you and be trained by you,” but constantly she is disobedient and only shows an interest in sexual submission when what the Dominant wants is someone who submits in more ways, then the submissive has violated the trust the Dominant placed in her. This may seem minor to some, but this is important.

The point I am trying to make here is that trust goes both ways. The submissive needs to be able to trust the Dominant, and the Dominant needs to be able to trust the submissive.

When the submissive learns the Dominant likes a certain thing, and learns to do it without being told, this builds trust with the Dominant. And I do not mean sexually, although it can be applied that way. Suppose the submissive sees that the Dominant always gets a beer or a glass of water after work. The Dominant may not ask the her to do anything about that, but if the sub begins to make sure that the beer or the water, or whatever little thing, is prepared for him without him having to tell her, that builds trust. And just as trust is cultivated when Dominant proves that he listens to the submissive, so to trust is cultivated when then submissive proves she listens to the Dominant.

And as the infrastructure of trust is mutually created, Dominant and submissive will be able to build a healthy relationship together.

One of the best, if not the best, tools for building trust is communication. Both Dominant and submissive have to, have to, have to communicate with one another. Humans are not (thank God) telepathic. So no, submissive, the Dominant does not always know what is bothering you, and so yes, submissive, you need to tell him. And no, Dominant, the submissive does not always know what you want her to do, and so yes, you do need to talk to her. Never assume the other person knows everything. There is no place, in my opinion, in a D/s relationship for the “if you don’t know what is wrong I’m not going to tell you” bit. From either the Dominant or the submissive.

I know sometimes that saying certain things can seem difficult. But that is not an excuse. Trust and understanding and learning in a relationship requires communication. If the submissive feels she cannot speak of something because she is afraid of disappointing her Dom, the Dom needs to get the submissive to a place where she feels safe enough to say what she needs to say. If the Dominant feels he should not have to say a thing, he needs to get over that and say what needs to be said. When something is bothering the Dominant or the submissive, the only way it will be addressed is if the Dom and sub talk about it.

Which leads me to one more point I want to make. (I know this is a long post. I am almost done.) Honesty is important to building trust.

Submissives, do not lie to your Dominant. If something bothers you, say so. If a certain thing is a limit for you, then say so. If something makes you uncomfortable and you do not know why, say so. If you hold things back from your Dominant, if you lie deliberately or by omission, you are damaging the trust the relationship needs and very possibly setting yourself up for some real harm. Be honest always. When in doubt, speak up. Trust me on this one, however disappointed you might think your Dominant will be by what you say, he will be far more disappointed if you do not tell him something he needs to know.

Dominants, I know sometimes you may play head-games with your submissive, but do not keep things to yourself that your submissive needs to know. If there is something you want her to do and she is not doing it, do not let annoyance fester into resentment. Talk to your sub. If there is something she keeps doing wrong, do not just punish her for it all the time, find out why she keeps getting it wrong. If you are angry about something at work or some other event not directly related to your relationship with the sub, make sure the sub knows that. Do not assume your submissive always understands your moods. Talk to your sub. Be honest. Your sub wants to help you. Maybe that means leaving you alone for a while. Let her know that and the reasons why. If you constantly cause doubt in your submissive’s mind, it will eventually eat away at her ability to trust you and to serve you. Within herself, your sub has a need to trust you and serve you. Let her.

While there is no scientific study on this, as best as I can determine more stupid things happen in relationships due to a lack of clear and honest communication than for any other reason.

Whew. Hopefully this all makes sense to you, O reader. Whether it does or does not, feel free to ask me questions. I enjoy getting questions.

The Fear of Submission

Posted in D/s, Relationships, Women with tags , , , , on May 23, 2012 by Xajow

In my grazing of things across the intertubes, I came across a blog post titled “Struggling with My Submission”. It is a short post, so I will quote just a snippet here.

Lately, I have found myself envisioning being curled up at the feet of a Dom, and even having him stroke my hair. Or, I picture myself in a position where I’m offering myself to him. This scares the f— out of me!

The bold emphasis is in the original. Expletive edited by me for those who may not be used seeing that language.

Anyway, this is, I would say, a common reaction many women have to being and/or discovering they are submissive. While some people will claim that our culture still tells women they have to submit, that claim is not true. Our culture tells women they have to be strong and independent. From makeup ads to clothing ads to daytime talk shows to television series, and on and on, all preach that women are to be strong and independent. So when a woman discovers within herself a desire to submit, it is frightening.

It is frightening because it seems wrong. It also has to do with the nature of submission. Which is to say, submission requires trust, and to trust a man that much, when a great deal of our culture teaches women that dominant men are abusers or sexual predators or both, can seem frightening. And more than that, to submit is to be vulnerable. And that is often frightening in any circumstance.

This is one of the reasons why I believe being submissive is not something for the weak. Being submissive requires a reservoir of strength. And the more a woman seeks to submit to a Dominant, the deeper that reservoir needs to be.

The key is (and this is something anti-female-submission feminists miss) to know yourself. If the desire/need to serve is in your nature, if you can feel it in the core of your being, then you ought to examine that and ponder it. Grapple with it and understand it as best you can. Gradually that fear will erode and you will find the strength you need was within you all the time.

In my opinion, if a woman has a desire to submit, submission for her will be empowering. How? It will give her the opportunity to find happiness and to be the best person she can be. And as she finds her strength, she will be strong for others, not just for herself or her Dominant. And she will come to understand herself better, and that will help her be a better person in all area of her life.

So to submissive women I say, do not ever let fear stand in the way of understanding and exploring your submissive nature. You do not not have to be perfect. Just be you.

Some Thoughts About Women, Dominance and Relationships

Posted in D/s, Philosophy, Relationships, Women with tags , , , , , , , on May 13, 2012 by Xajow

While taking a look around (at/for what you’ll just have to imagine) I came across a blog called In My Opinion. There I found a post wherein the author of said blog addresses the question “What makes a strong/powerful woman?” My only criticism is that the list of women she gave did not include anyone like Rose Wilder Lane or Isabel Paterson. But that maybe more my bias than hers.

Anyway, in the post the author says this:

While I write these words I can almost see my dad’s eyes rolling in my mind.  I have never asked my dad if he thinks that men are dominant to women.  I think I have never asked because I was unsure if I really wanted to know the answer.  I love my dad with every part of my being but there is a HUGE generation gap between us (he is 74 and I am 33).  Times have changed and our viewpoints just don’t seem to match up on a lot.  He may never express it (which I respect him for) but I have a sneaking suspicion that my dad thinks the woman’s place is in the home….cooking, cleaning and taking care of children.  This is what he knew for a large portion of his life…this was the role of most women at the time he was growing up.  He has now raised a daughter that has none of those interests whatsoever.  I was the child to always push the envelope and fight societal norms as hard as I could.

That made me smile a little bit. But also the mention of the word dominant brought to mind the fact that I am Dominant. Not for hire. I don’t do that. It’s just something I am. I am also tall, a  fan of intelligent sci-fi and someone who enjoys fresh seafood. I have mentioned being a Dominant here before, but I don’t talk about it much because it is not a big deal. Anyway, so as the female author of the aforementioned post spoke of “the woman’s place,” I thought: it is where she wants it to be.

And then I thought: I wonder how many people could grasp that notion. A feminist Dominant. It seems not strange to me, but then, I am libertarian. Strange is subjective.

Being libertarian is perhaps the key there, I think. I believe in people being free to choose for themselves. Being Dominant does not mean I think all women should be subjugated. However fun that might be (kidding, sort of), I firmly believe people have to be free to discover themselves and make their own choices. Men, women, brown, pale, hetero, homo, bi, bald, even people who like the Hallmark channel.

But if I am a Dominant, doesn’t that mean I expect women to submit? Not unless she wants to. Some people like conflict. I prefer peace and liberty. I’m not saying for a woman who submits there are not rules or that there is no punishment for disobedience. Of course there is. What I am saying is that I will not force anyone to submit. Besides forcing someone to submit being unethical and generally immoral and probably illegal, my job is not to tell you what to want. I can help you figure that out, but I cannot define you. That is up to you.

Which is not to say I think the author of the aforementioned post is someone who would or should submit to a Dominant. I do not know enough about her to say. Besides which, this post is not about her. It is about my thoughts. So do not think I am commenting on her personally, because I am not.

So what about men being dominant? Some men are. Some men are not. Some women are dominant. Some are not. Some people learn dominant behavior. Some people are simply naturally dominant. Some people are naturally submissive. Neither is better than the other. Neither is truly stronger than the other. Both roles require strength to be performed well. Both require a willingness to listen and communicate honestly to be performed well. 

Make no mistake, I am not talking about a guy who abuses his significant other and/or expects her to do everything while he does nothing. I’m talking about a relationship which elevates all parties involved. I’m talking about a healthy relationship involving trust, communication and honesty. I am talking about a relationship wherein the Dominant and the submissive each have responsibilities toward the other.

But perhaps I should leave further discussion of that for another time.