Archive for communication

Project August: Day 21 – What Is in a Name?

Posted in D/s, Dominance, Project August, submission with tags , , , , , on August 21, 2013 by Xajow

Something I occasionally say to people (usually teenagers) is “just because you don’t care what words mean does not mean that what words mean does not matter.” And in reply I generally get a puzzled look. The meaning of words does matter. When we misuse words, we muddy the meaning not just in our own minds but also when we use the words in communication with others. Yes, I am talking about communication again. Because it is important. Continue reading

Project August: Day 15 – The Body of the Submissive

Posted in D/s, Dominance, Project August, submission with tags , , , , , on August 15, 2013 by Xajow

Wow. No one guessed yesterday’s obscure reference. Shame on you. You’re not trying. Anyway, in previous posts, I have talked about how those in D/s relationships need to learn about themselves, to know themselves well. I am going to talk about it again, but in a different way. I am also, hopefully, going to make restitution for a bungled job the other day. Continue reading

Project August: Day 7 – Communication about Non-verbal Communication

Posted in D/s, Dominance, Project August, Relationships, submission with tags , , , , , , , on August 7, 2013 by Xajow

Today, the topic is non-verbal communication. More specifically, non-verbal communication within D/s relationships. So today there will be no post. I will send what I have to say about this to you via telepathy. Now concentrate really hard… Just kidding. Of course I cannot use telepathy. And of course there will be a post. But I am using this to make a point. Continue reading

Some Words about a Peeve

Posted in Advice, Philosophy with tags , , on June 28, 2013 by Xajow

I am about to make a complaint. But it is not a pointless complaint. This is not an aimless rant. There is a lesson here. Class is now in session. Continue reading

What I Would Rather Have Said

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , on October 4, 2012 by Xajow

I just had to apologize to someone because I dared to ask when a project that affects my job (in a significant way) was going to be done. The reply to my initial request carried the polite but annoyed tone that indicated answering my request was a pain because I had no business asking about the project in the first place. Mind you, I had to make the request twice before I got any reply at all. So I played nice-nice and apologized to smooth things over. The last thing I need is people more annoyed with me. But that is not what I wanted to say. Continue reading

Communication, communication, communication!

Posted in Advice, Relationships with tags , , , , , , , , , on August 23, 2012 by Xajow

I cannot stress enough how important communication is to relationships. I do not mean just D/s relationships. All relationships. Communication is vital in relationships with lovers, friends, family, neighbors, coworkers, bosses, acquaintances, and on and on. And I do not just mean talking. I mean listening too. Continue reading

What to Say When Being Dominant

Posted in Advice, D/s, Dominance, Philosophy, Relationships, submission with tags , , , , , , , , , on July 14, 2012 by Xajow

An interesting search phrase popped up recently in my WordPress blog dashboard. The search phrase is “things to say when being Dominant”. Continue reading

Thoughts on Submissives Communicating with Dominants

Posted in D/s, Questions Answered, Relationships, submission with tags , , , , , , on June 16, 2012 by Xajow

Over at thedreamingsub is a post addressing the question “How do subs talk to Doms?”

In answer to that question–I know it is best to be exceedingly polite, avoid complimenting yourself or showing off (unless it’s good grades), try not to curse if you can help it, avoid starting sentences with ‘I know’, do not jump right into conversation with them without first saying hello properly and making sure they want your company right then, be honest, admit when you’ve done wrong and don’t be afraid to apologize, as long as it is heartfelt and you really will try not to make that mistake again. Although, don’t kid yourself, you’re still going to get your ass beat for it. And lectured too. [Emphasis in the original.]

This is good as far as it goes, but it does not go far enough, in my opinion.

Remember that something like 80% of communication is non-verbal. Submissives communicate their intentions, attitudes and desires with more than just words. The way a submissive stands, sits or kneels says something about her. The way a submissive looks or does not look at the Dominant communicates something about the submissive’s state of mind. Tone of voice, a tilt of the head, posture, idle motion, all these things communicate information about the submissive.

Does that mean the submissive needs to always think about these things? No. That would likely drive the submissive crazy.

The point I am getting to is that the primary rule, in my opinion, for submissives in communicating with Dominants is respect. If the submissive does not show the Dominant respect, all the other rules or protocols or little tricks mean little.

This does not mean submissives can get away with disregarding the rules. Far from it. Following the rules is part of showing respect. However, the submissive should strive to never let the following the letter of the rules replace or interfere with following the spirit of the rules. And vice-versa.

That said, there are some basic things a submissive should do when talking to Dominants, and most other people really. In the quote above, thedreamingsub mentions some of them. Be polite. Be honest. Be humble. Be sincere.

Also, be attentive. When a submissive is talking to a Dominant, the submissive’s attention should be focused on the Dominant. Be self-controlled. Do not interrupt a Dominant unless there is an urgent reason to do so.

In addition to all that, I would also advise submissives to learn how a particular Dominant prefers to be addressed. And I do not just mean calling the Dominant Sir or Mistress. I mean pay attention to how the Dominant prefers to be spoken to. Some Dominants will appreciate some flirtation. Some will not. Some will expect the submissive to be reticent until spoken to. Some will be okay with the submissive speaking first. Some Dominants will expect the submissive to make eye contact. Some will expect the submissive to keep her gaze down.

I want to go back to the non-verbal communication for a moment. There are ways to deliberately communicate things to a Dominant without speaking. Kneeling at a Dominant’s feet and waiting for recognition. Picking up a tool of discipline (a paddle for example) and bringing it to the Dominant. Kissing a Dominant’s feet. Wearing or not wearing specific articles of clothing.  These are just a few ideas. I would recommend submissives talk with their Dominants about this kind of silent communication. There may be a specific action or actions the Dominant prefers.

Ultimately, it all goes back to showing the Dominant respect. This does not mean a submissive can never be playful. Being respectful does not mean being somber. And being respectful certainly does not mean hiding hurt feelings or worries from the Dominant. Remember to be honest and be sincere. That is part of being respectful to the Dominant.

There is probably something I am forgetting, but hopefully this is at least a helpful start to thinking about and discussing how submissives communicate with Dominants.

Answering Some Questions – Weakness

Posted in Questions Answered with tags , , , , on June 13, 2012 by Xajow

Day 6 of answering questions posed by Diane Owens.

Question #6
Having answered the last question….is your weakness really a weakness or something that society has pegged as a weakness?

Is my social ineptitude really a weakness? Yeah, I guess it is. It interferes with me being able to effectively communicate with people because they do not always understand me. I am usually straightforward and often blunt. I generally do not mess about with trying to couch what I say in softness. Which means that sometimes people take what I say as having an intent more harsh or more critical than I actually intend. And I have noticed that some people are so used to trying to hidden meaning in the way most people talk that they cannot grasp that I simply mean what I said and nothing more. All of which interferes with me being able to communicate clearly and effectively.

I am better than I used to be.

But there is a part of me that does want to blame society a bit. I do not fully understand why being direct and honest so often is interpreted as harsh. My sibling read a book some years back about how everything people say should be couched in uplifting, healing language. I did not read the book. For one, I am verbose enough as it is when I get to talking (as readers of this blog know). For another, I really do not want to have to put layers of softness into everything I say. I speak with softness when I think it is required. But most of the time I speak plainly. No one has to guess where I stand or what I think. Ask me, and I will tell you exactly. Why this ends up being barrier to communication I do not fully know.

I do know that some people are not used to it, and they take it badly. And some people, as I said, think there is some hidden meaning to what I say. Why is that my fault? Well, part of good communication is knowing how to communicate effectively with your audience. Maybe someday I will learn the fineries of small talk and tact. But don’t hold your breath.

Answering Some Questions – Non-Confrontational

Posted in Questions Answered with tags , , , , , on June 8, 2012 by Xajow

I like answering questions, usually. Answering questions means, hopefully, communication is going on, and maybe some learning too. And maybe I am just arrogant enough to think my answers are worth something.

Anyway, over at a blog called In My Opinion, the author, Diane Owens, has committed to answering a question each day for a whole year. Not one question all year (which might be silly), but a different question each day, just to be clear. As I write this, she is on day 144. And in her post for this day, she posed ten questions for others. I decided I am going to answer her questions, one a day for ten days.

Question #1:
I am a non-confrontational person, even when someone is rude to me or gets aggressive with me. Is this a sign of weakness/do you see it as a weakness?

That depends on what you mean by non-confrontational. If you mean always avoiding confrontation at all costs, then yes. If you mean trying to have peace, then no.

Always avoiding confrontation is a state of fearfulness. That can make one a doormat whom people will bully and trample.

On the other hand, trying to have peace is a position of strength. It is turning the other cheek, which is to say, it is choosing the path of peace deliberately for the sake of peace, rather than a fearful retreat. Put another way, to strive for peace is to take a position, while to simply avoid confrontation is to take no position at all.