Archive for dominance submission

How to Ask a Dominant Questions

Posted in Advice, D/s, Dominance, Relationships, submission with tags , , , , , , , on March 4, 2013 by Xajow

In search terms on my WordPress stats page are a few variation on the subject of asking a Dominant questions. I confess this does not seem a difficult matter to me. I can guess, however, why it might seem an issue of concern to some. Though I am thinking that a more correct phrasing of the issue might be ‘how to respectfully ask a Dominant questions’. So let us take a look at that.

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Some Thoughts about Begging

Posted in Advice, D/s, Relationships, submission with tags , , , , , , , , on July 6, 2012 by Xajow

There are different types of begging, I guess. Begging in role play, begging in sexual play, begging in the every day. (See what I did there?) Continue reading

What Does a Submissive Get from a D/s Relationship?

Posted in D/s, Questions Answered, Relationships, submission with tags , , , , , , , , on July 2, 2012 by Xajow

One of the searches showing up on my WordPress blog dashboard is (yes, you guessed it) “what does a submissive get from a D/s relationship”. That is probably a question better answered by submissives, but what the heckity darn, I’ll give it a try.

First, what sort of submissive are we talking about? Someone who submits only in the bedroom? Someone who submits 24/7? Someone in between? I think the submissive looking to inform her expectations from a D/s relationship needs to consider this issue.

For someone who is submissive only in the bedroom, there is probably a lot of exciting pleasure for you in a D/s relationship. Also, if The Dom Next Door is any indication, it can be a big boost for romantic intimacy. And I suspect you will learn things about your sexual desires you did not know before.

For someone who is ready to be submissive more than just in the bedroom, but is not quite ready to commit to a full time submission, you will begin a journey of self discovery. You will learn about not just your sexual desires, but your desires in other areas. You will learn about yourself in ways non-submissives will not learn about themselves. You will find what you think will be limits, and you know the fear and excitement and satisfaction of moving past them. In conversations with various subs, I have noticed one thing that they seem to have in common is the pleasure they derive from having a Dominant learn about them. And if your Dominant is any good, you will be pushed in ways that will help you reevaluate your perception of yourself. As you learn to obey, as you learn to relinquish control in certain areas, there will be (in various levels of combination) satisfaction, pain, doubt, surprise, disappointment, sadness, pleasure, laughter, tears, guilt, forgiveness, joy and happiness. You will also experience intimacy with your Dom at a level above that which any vanilla relationship can have on its own.

For someone who desires to be in a 24/7, full time D/s relationship, you will get all of that, only more intensely. Give yourself over to it completely, and it will surround you even when your Dom is not with you. As soon as you learn something about yourself, you will be confronted with another. You will find yourself letting go of things you thought were important, and thereby being paradoxically liberated by your submission. You will find a kind of equality in your relationship that will confound those who do not understand what D/s is about. For within the full time D/s relationship you will find freedom to be yourself and find that you are respected for who you are even as you respect your Dominant for who he is. For those without understanding, it will seem impossible. But for you, it will seem as natural and as obvious and as necessary as breathing.

Now perhaps you, submissive, are reading this and thinking it seems a little too general. Well, you are an individual. I cannot explain fully what you will get from a D/s relationship because I do not know you. No one can tell you everything you will get from a D/s relationship. This is why I will talk about and emphasize over and over again that learning about yourself is one of the most important parts of the D/s relationship. While you share qualities with other submissives, you are a unique individual. Also, your Dom is (even if you have not met him yet) a unique individual. How you experience and learn and grow within a D/s relationship will be, in its details, unique to you and your relationship with your Dom.

Hope that helps. Feel free to pose questions in the comments.

Thoughts on Dominant/submissive Relationships (part 1, second addendum)

Posted in D/s, Dominance, Men, Relationships, submission, Women with tags , , , , , , , , on June 1, 2012 by Xajow

Over at the Inquisitive Explorer blog, I found this:

This omniscient Dom doesn’t exist in reality. Yes, sometimes you might work with someone often enough and have enough chemistry that it starts to feel like the Top knows your mind, but the reality is that the dynamic desired stems from deep, honest communication. As a submissive, you have to know your limits and what things interest you, and you need to communicate that to your Top. You have to vocalize when you enjoy something and when you don’t. You need to let the person know if they can push you harder. You let them know if you’re upset. People can’t read minds; being kinky doesn’t automatically make you a mind reader.

Exactly.

And then there is this little gem:

Reality is just that – real – and that means it isn’t always sunny or fun, and sometimes involves dealing with people’s real insecurities, awkwardness, and problems. That said, the harder parts are what make the good parts rewarding, and reality is even better than fantasy because of the difficulty, self-growth, and journey you take with your partner(s).

I could not agree more. 

Thoughts on Dominant/submissive Relationships (part 1, addendum)

Posted in D/s, Dominance, Men, Relationships, submission, Women with tags , , , , , , , , on May 31, 2012 by Xajow

In the immediately previous post I spoke of the need for communication between a Dominant and his submissive. As a follow up to that, I direct your attention to a post at the blog missysubmits(sometimes). Here is a snippit:

So the silent treatment is a good thing. To him. I am still a sub and it still f—s with me. Not to mention a human being.

Expletive edited by me for those who may not be prepared to read it.

The silent treatment, as she calls it, can be a tool of communication. Many Dominants are naturally quiet and a lack of verbal reply seems natural. But the submissive in this instance did the right thing. She communicated with her Dominant about it. The answer she got was not one that pleased her, but she has an explanation now. And in this case, as in many cases within a D/s relationship, the submissive’s understanding is not required, merely her acceptance.

Thoughts on Dominant/submissive Relationships (part 1)

Posted in D/s, Dominance, Men, Relationships, submission, Women with tags , , , , , , , , on May 30, 2012 by Xajow

The other day the issue of trust came up in comments about my post “On Being a Dominant.” So let us begin by talking about trust.

Trust is important in any relationship, but doubly so in a D/s relationship. The nature of the Dominant/submissive relationship demands this. The submissive is turning over control to someone else, the Dominant. The submissive must be able to trust the Dominant for this to work. Without trust a submissive would do this only out of fear, and that is not healthy mentally or emotionally.

I want to pause here for a moment. I can imagine a Gorean sort of person saying to this, “Yeah, so what?” To be clear, I am not talking about a true Master/slave relationship even though in some D/s relationships those titles get used. A genuine Master/slave relationship is an entirely different dynamic. I may talk about that in a future post, but I am not talking about that now.

Anyway, one of the things any Dominant must do for a healthy relationship with his submissive is to build trust. Trust is built only in part by respecting limits in sex or public situations or BDSM play. That is important, but trust is built in all the other ways the Dominant treats and interacts with the submissive. How the Dominant speaks to the sub, touches her, looks at her, treats her in public, speaks about her to others, listens to her, acknowledges her, makes her feel, and on and on. All these things build the infrastructure of trust upon which other parts of the relationship will be placed. The more struts and supports and buttresses, so to speak, that one can give that trust, the stronger that trust will be and the better the relationship will be.

That may all seem hard. It is and it isn’t. It is hard in that it is something the Dominant should be aware of and cultivating. It is not hard in that the submissive wants to trust. She needs to trust, and sometimes the littlest thing that is barely noticed if at all by the Dominant will be the thing the sub remembers as a moment which proves to her that she can trust her Dom. That is not to say a Dominant can get away with not worrying about building trust. But it does mean if you put forth the effort to build it, it will grow in ways you will not expect. This is part of the beauty and wonder of a healthy D/s relationship.

Your submissive will notice when you, the Dominant, do the things you intend to do for and/or to her. Understand that she will also sometimes notice when something you do helps her in a way that perhaps you did not intend. She will notice when the words you say to her reflect that you listen to her and that she is important to you. She will notice when you use a word that resonates with her even if you did not consciously choose it for that reason. She will notice your idle stroking of her hair or her breasts or her arm or her leg or whatever, and that will comfort her even if you are not consciously thinking about it. These things will also build trust because they will tell the submissive that the Dominant cares.

When the submissive believes and/or feels that she is safe with the Dominant, then she will trust. Again, this is and is not hard. And for the same reasons. The Dominant should be consciously cultivating a sense of safety for the submissive. At the same time, the submissive needs to feel safe in her submission. This is part of her drive to submit. She wants and needs to feel that safety. She needs to give someone that much trust. She needs to submit. So if the Dominant is doing his job, the trust and sense of safety will grow.

That said, the Dominant needs to be able to trust the submissive. The submissive needs to let her Dominant know that he can trust her to be obedient, to communicate with him, to behave herself in a manner that reflects well on him, and to appreciate his efforts to learn about her care for her. Because this is not a true Master/slave relationship, this is a voluntary relationship. Either party can end it. This is something that both Dominant and submissive can do. But a Dominant needs to believe he is not wasting him time.

If, for example, a submissive woman tells a Dominant man, “I want to submit to you and be trained by you,” but constantly she is disobedient and only shows an interest in sexual submission when what the Dominant wants is someone who submits in more ways, then the submissive has violated the trust the Dominant placed in her. This may seem minor to some, but this is important.

The point I am trying to make here is that trust goes both ways. The submissive needs to be able to trust the Dominant, and the Dominant needs to be able to trust the submissive.

When the submissive learns the Dominant likes a certain thing, and learns to do it without being told, this builds trust with the Dominant. And I do not mean sexually, although it can be applied that way. Suppose the submissive sees that the Dominant always gets a beer or a glass of water after work. The Dominant may not ask the her to do anything about that, but if the sub begins to make sure that the beer or the water, or whatever little thing, is prepared for him without him having to tell her, that builds trust. And just as trust is cultivated when Dominant proves that he listens to the submissive, so to trust is cultivated when then submissive proves she listens to the Dominant.

And as the infrastructure of trust is mutually created, Dominant and submissive will be able to build a healthy relationship together.

One of the best, if not the best, tools for building trust is communication. Both Dominant and submissive have to, have to, have to communicate with one another. Humans are not (thank God) telepathic. So no, submissive, the Dominant does not always know what is bothering you, and so yes, submissive, you need to tell him. And no, Dominant, the submissive does not always know what you want her to do, and so yes, you do need to talk to her. Never assume the other person knows everything. There is no place, in my opinion, in a D/s relationship for the “if you don’t know what is wrong I’m not going to tell you” bit. From either the Dominant or the submissive.

I know sometimes that saying certain things can seem difficult. But that is not an excuse. Trust and understanding and learning in a relationship requires communication. If the submissive feels she cannot speak of something because she is afraid of disappointing her Dom, the Dom needs to get the submissive to a place where she feels safe enough to say what she needs to say. If the Dominant feels he should not have to say a thing, he needs to get over that and say what needs to be said. When something is bothering the Dominant or the submissive, the only way it will be addressed is if the Dom and sub talk about it.

Which leads me to one more point I want to make. (I know this is a long post. I am almost done.) Honesty is important to building trust.

Submissives, do not lie to your Dominant. If something bothers you, say so. If a certain thing is a limit for you, then say so. If something makes you uncomfortable and you do not know why, say so. If you hold things back from your Dominant, if you lie deliberately or by omission, you are damaging the trust the relationship needs and very possibly setting yourself up for some real harm. Be honest always. When in doubt, speak up. Trust me on this one, however disappointed you might think your Dominant will be by what you say, he will be far more disappointed if you do not tell him something he needs to know.

Dominants, I know sometimes you may play head-games with your submissive, but do not keep things to yourself that your submissive needs to know. If there is something you want her to do and she is not doing it, do not let annoyance fester into resentment. Talk to your sub. If there is something she keeps doing wrong, do not just punish her for it all the time, find out why she keeps getting it wrong. If you are angry about something at work or some other event not directly related to your relationship with the sub, make sure the sub knows that. Do not assume your submissive always understands your moods. Talk to your sub. Be honest. Your sub wants to help you. Maybe that means leaving you alone for a while. Let her know that and the reasons why. If you constantly cause doubt in your submissive’s mind, it will eventually eat away at her ability to trust you and to serve you. Within herself, your sub has a need to trust you and serve you. Let her.

While there is no scientific study on this, as best as I can determine more stupid things happen in relationships due to a lack of clear and honest communication than for any other reason.

Whew. Hopefully this all makes sense to you, O reader. Whether it does or does not, feel free to ask me questions. I enjoy getting questions.

On Being a Dominant

Posted in D/s, Dominance, Philosophy, Relationships with tags , , , , , on May 27, 2012 by Xajow

I am finding lots of interesting things over at A Bi-Submissive’s Adventures in the Vanilla World, among them is a post titled “Thankful for My Dom”. The author of the post was at the hospital for a CT scan, and she was comforted by her Dom. Not by him coddling her, but by him providing the strength she needed in the moment.

I point this out because it goes back to what I was talking about the other day. Being a Dominant is not just kinky sex. Any schmuck can play Dom while it seems fun and ends when the time is up or the fun stops. But to actually be a Dominant requires being there when things are not so fun. If you think you are a Dominant or think you want to get into a D/s relationship as a Dominant, then you need to ask yourself, if the sub has to go to the hospital for a serious medial issue, what are you as the Domiant going to do. Your submissive will freak out. You have to be strong. You cannot run. You cannot also freak out. You cannot become timid or fearful. At least, you cannot do those things and remain a Dominant. When your sub leans on you, literally or figuratively, she has to be able to know you will support her.

But then, I would argue too that this is simply what a man should do. Men these days seem to increasingly turn away from cultivating that kind of internal strength. More and more (and maybe this is just my perception), I see guys being what some call a man-boy. They just play and goof and treat their significant others like mother surrogates. And I do not understand that any more than I understand why people get scared on roller coaster rides. Which is to say, I do not understand it at all (if the ride was not completely safe, it would not be open).

Anyway, a Dominant providing this kind of stabilizing strength is one reason why, in my opinion, a healthy D/s relationship is always going to be stronger than a healthy non-D/s relationship. Because those moments when the submissive leans on the Dominant from need help to create a a mental and emotional bond of trust on a level that a non-D/s relationship simply does not reach.

I am not saying a Dominant has to be a muscled hulk of a man. Some Dominants are fat. It is not the outward sign of physical strength that makes one a Dominant. Being a Dominant comes from within. I am not saying a Dominant has to be stoic or forever serious. I am saying a Dominant should be strong enough and aware enough and stable enough to be ready to step in with the calm words of strength a submissive needs from time to time. Being a Dominant is not about how hard you can spank or how well you can tie bondage knots. Being a Dominant is about knowing yourself and knowing your submissive and being there to hold her close and to hold her up.

Some people think D/s relationships are all about the submissive serving the Dominant. That is not it at all. In a healthy D/s relationship, the submissive will serve the Dominant, but the Dominant will also, in his own way, serve the submissive. The Dominant is in the position of leadership and authority in the D/s relationship, and to be a good leader means being a good servant. And I know this sounds counterintuitive, but is also true. I do not mean to say, as some often do, that the submissive is the one in charge. I find that silly. That is called topping from the bottom, and I have not seen such a relationship yet that seems healthy to me. But what I am saying is that part of the responsibility of the Dominant is to see what are the needs of the submissive and to take care of her and to care for her. A healthy D/s relationship, like any healthy relationship, is two-way relationship.

Do not think I am trying to say a Dominant should have no flaws. Flaws are unavoidable. We are, after all, only human. I am saying that sometimes being a Dominant means comforting the submissive. If all you want is to tell people what to do and to have no responsibilities, then you are not a Dominant. In that case, you are just an asshole. Being a Dominant means helping the submissive and helping to shoulder her burdens, just as she will help you shoulder yours. Because the goal of any healthy D/s relationship is the betterment of both parties.

Despite what some may believe about D/s relationships, they are not celebrations of selfishness. Just the opposite in fact. To be in a D/s relationship, either as a submissive or as a Dominant, requires a high level of selfless giving. When the submissive needs the Dominant, the Dominant gives what the submissive needs. It may not always be what the submissive wants, but a good Dominant should know the difference. Being a good Dominant requires selflessly spending the time to learn all about the submissive. It requires learning about her needs and her desires and her limits. It requires caring for the submissive even in the difficult times. It requires putting self aside when necessary to be the strength and help the submissive needs.

Sometimes being a Dominant means feeding soup to the submissive when she is sick. Sometimes it means stopping whatever the Dominant is doing to focus on the submissive. Sometimes it means putting all else aside and being there for the submissive even when she does not know what she needs or wants. Being Dominant means being Dominant in good times and bad. Being Dominant means being aware of and knowing and/or discovering what the submissive needs, whether that is pain or pleasure, comfort or scolding, reward or punishment. Because if your submissive is truly submissive by nature, if she feels that burning desire to submit, she does not feel it just sometimes. She does not feel it only in the good times. It is always with her. Even if right now she is only comfortable submitting in the bedroom, if she feels the need all the time, she needs a Dominant all the time.

Being a Dominant is not light thing. It is a heavy thing with responsibilities. Do not take it lightly. When you plant your feet and take up that burden, you will begin to become a better man. And if you are lucky enough to find a willing submissive, you will help her become a better woman.* And together you will make each other better, and your non-D/s friends will wonder what your secret is.

*While I suppose this post may come off as somewhat chauvinistically heterosexual, this advice applies for female dominated D/s and same sex D/s too. Or bisexual or transgender or polygamist. I write the way I do because this is the way I think and the way I learned to write. I am aware, somewhat, of how my writing sometimes comes across. So why don’t I change it? I am stubborn and slow to change. I am, after all, a Dominant. If you don’t like it, tough cookies.