Archive for respect

How Should a Dominant Treat His Submissive?

Posted in D/s, Dominance, Relationships with tags , , , , , on February 13, 2014 by Xajow

While looking through the search terms that have led people to Liberate One, I came across an interesting question. How should a Dom treat his submissive? This is certainly a reasonable question, particularly for someone who may be just beginning to learn about Dominant/submissive relationships. So let us see if I can provide a reasonable answer. Continue reading

Project August: Day 7 – Communication about Non-verbal Communication

Posted in D/s, Dominance, Project August, Relationships, submission with tags , , , , , , , on August 7, 2013 by Xajow

Today, the topic is non-verbal communication. More specifically, non-verbal communication within D/s relationships. So today there will be no post. I will send what I have to say about this to you via telepathy. Now concentrate really hard… Just kidding. Of course I cannot use telepathy. And of course there will be a post. But I am using this to make a point. Continue reading

Some Words about a Peeve

Posted in Advice, Philosophy with tags , , on June 28, 2013 by Xajow

I am about to make a complaint. But it is not a pointless complaint. This is not an aimless rant. There is a lesson here. Class is now in session. Continue reading

Thoughts on Submissives Communicating with Dominants

Posted in D/s, Questions Answered, Relationships, submission with tags , , , , , , on June 16, 2012 by Xajow

Over at thedreamingsub is a post addressing the question “How do subs talk to Doms?”

In answer to that question–I know it is best to be exceedingly polite, avoid complimenting yourself or showing off (unless it’s good grades), try not to curse if you can help it, avoid starting sentences with ‘I know’, do not jump right into conversation with them without first saying hello properly and making sure they want your company right then, be honest, admit when you’ve done wrong and don’t be afraid to apologize, as long as it is heartfelt and you really will try not to make that mistake again. Although, don’t kid yourself, you’re still going to get your ass beat for it. And lectured too. [Emphasis in the original.]

This is good as far as it goes, but it does not go far enough, in my opinion.

Remember that something like 80% of communication is non-verbal. Submissives communicate their intentions, attitudes and desires with more than just words. The way a submissive stands, sits or kneels says something about her. The way a submissive looks or does not look at the Dominant communicates something about the submissive’s state of mind. Tone of voice, a tilt of the head, posture, idle motion, all these things communicate information about the submissive.

Does that mean the submissive needs to always think about these things? No. That would likely drive the submissive crazy.

The point I am getting to is that the primary rule, in my opinion, for submissives in communicating with Dominants is respect. If the submissive does not show the Dominant respect, all the other rules or protocols or little tricks mean little.

This does not mean submissives can get away with disregarding the rules. Far from it. Following the rules is part of showing respect. However, the submissive should strive to never let the following the letter of the rules replace or interfere with following the spirit of the rules. And vice-versa.

That said, there are some basic things a submissive should do when talking to Dominants, and most other people really. In the quote above, thedreamingsub mentions some of them. Be polite. Be honest. Be humble. Be sincere.

Also, be attentive. When a submissive is talking to a Dominant, the submissive’s attention should be focused on the Dominant. Be self-controlled. Do not interrupt a Dominant unless there is an urgent reason to do so.

In addition to all that, I would also advise submissives to learn how a particular Dominant prefers to be addressed. And I do not just mean calling the Dominant Sir or Mistress. I mean pay attention to how the Dominant prefers to be spoken to. Some Dominants will appreciate some flirtation. Some will not. Some will expect the submissive to be reticent until spoken to. Some will be okay with the submissive speaking first. Some Dominants will expect the submissive to make eye contact. Some will expect the submissive to keep her gaze down.

I want to go back to the non-verbal communication for a moment. There are ways to deliberately communicate things to a Dominant without speaking. Kneeling at a Dominant’s feet and waiting for recognition. Picking up a tool of discipline (a paddle for example) and bringing it to the Dominant. Kissing a Dominant’s feet. Wearing or not wearing specific articles of clothing.  These are just a few ideas. I would recommend submissives talk with their Dominants about this kind of silent communication. There may be a specific action or actions the Dominant prefers.

Ultimately, it all goes back to showing the Dominant respect. This does not mean a submissive can never be playful. Being respectful does not mean being somber. And being respectful certainly does not mean hiding hurt feelings or worries from the Dominant. Remember to be honest and be sincere. That is part of being respectful to the Dominant.

There is probably something I am forgetting, but hopefully this is at least a helpful start to thinking about and discussing how submissives communicate with Dominants.