How Should a Dominant Treat His Submissive?
While looking through the search terms that have led people to Liberate One, I came across an interesting question. How should a Dom treat his submissive? This is certainly a reasonable question, particularly for someone who may be just beginning to learn about Dominant/submissive relationships. So let us see if I can provide a reasonable answer.
My initial response to the question may surprise some of you who are new to Dominance/submission. A Dominant should treat his submissive with respect. Mind that you do not confuse and/or conflate respect with deference. When I say treat the submissive with respect, I am not saying treat her as if she were in charge. Respect the submissive as what she is, a submissive.
In other words, do not hold the submissiveness of the submissive in contempt. She is not lesser or weaker or bad for being a submissive. She is a human being and every bit the equal of the Dominant. Her submissiveness does not make her trash. Her submissiveness makes her a treasure.
Remember the golden rule, Dominants. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. As you want to be treated, so treat others. The Dominant wants his submissive to respect him and his authority. (There is a South Park joke to be made but it would be inappropriate just now.) The Dominant, therefore, should respect his submissive and her submissiveness.
What does it mean to respect the submissive and her submissiveness? It means learning the ways the submissive desires the Dominant and his control. It means talking to the submissive and learning what her submissiveness means to her, and what the Dominant’s control means to her. This does not mean just doing everything the submissive wants. Rather learning about the submissive is how you will be able to respect her submission and provide her with the control that she needs.
When taking a submissive out to eat, for example, the Dominant should find out what the submissive wants to eat or likes to eat ahead of arrival at the restaurant. Then, when the Dominant orders the submissive’s food for her, the Dominant will choose something the submissive likes. In this way, the Dominant is in control and respectful of the submissive.
When training a submissive to kneel, for example, the Dominant should be specific about what sort of kneeling position he likes. The Dominant should look over the submissive in the kneeling position and correct her posture and the position of her limbs to his satisfaction. Not in a mean way, but in a supportive manner. In other words, the Dominant shows respect for the submissive by praising and encouraging her submission.
Remember that being a Dominant is not an excuse to be a bully or abusive. Remember too that any healthy relationship must be a two way connection. This is not less true in a D/s relationship. If anything it is more true in a D/s relationship. Disregard of the other has no place in a D/s relationship.
Understand, Dominants, that your submissive’s submission to you is not a light or insubstantial thing. Her submission is not a hobby. It is herself. If you abuse her submission, you are abusing her. So don’t do that. Respecting her submission is respecting her. So do that.
Yes, this does mean that establishing good rules for the submissive is respecting her submission. It does mean that disciplining her when she is disobedient is respecting the submissive. It does also mean, however, that being oppressive is not respecting her submission. Being tyrannical, over-possessive and/or abusive is not respecting her submission.
The Dominant is the leader in a D/s relationship. The best leaders serve those whom they lead. Yes, I am saying the Dominant should serve his submissive. Yes, this may seem like a paradox. But a Dominant should remember that the goal of the D/s relationship is not the D/s. The D/s is the means, not the end. The goal is that both the Dominant and submissive grow and become better and hopefully happier human beings.
The job of the Dominant is not to control the submissive for the sake of controlling the submissive. The job of the Dominant is to provide the structure that helps the submissive grow in grace and strength and peace. By this does the Dominant serve his submissive. By this does the Dominant respect his submissive.
And that reason is why I say that a healthy D/s relationship is an equal relationship. It may seem strange to think of a D/s relationship being an equal relationship. One person is leader and the other follows. But each person serves the other. Both meet the needs of the other. Both respect the other for who he or she is. That is what an equal relationship should be.
So that is how a Dominant should treat his submissive. Treat her as an equal. Treat her with respect. Treat her as a submissive.
(Somewhere a feminist is furiously confused by all this. Muwah ha ha ha ha ha!)
Hopefully that is a reasonable answer to the question. If someone reading this is new to D/s and still trying to figure out how to be a Dominant, don’t be overwhelmed by what I said here. You don’t have to be the perfect Dominant all at once. You will learn with time and experience how to become a better Dominant. And none of us is perfect anyway. I know I am certainly not anyway.
Okay, students, I should have a follow up post about Sub Assignment Number 1 soon. I think it has gone well so far. And if all goes well, next week there will be another assignment. And perhaps one or two long promised things will pop up in the near future too. I am considering which movie to choose for the first movie review. I will let you know which one I choose before I post my review, just in case anyone wants to try to watch it before they read what I have to say.