A Little Reality about D/s

An interesting phrase has turned up in the search terms listed on the stats page for this blog: “how to get your sub to fully submit to your dominant will”. Pooh yi.

Let us be clear about something. There are no tricks to D/s. There are no shortcuts or magic phrases that make a submissive become fully compliant. D/s is a process. Whether you are in a 24/7 D/s relationship, a part time D/s relationship or the sub is only a sub in the bedroom, Dominance/submission is a journey. If you are lucky, it is a long journey that will last the rest of your life.

Next, what is meant by the word fully? Why am I asking that question? Because absolute compliance is not going to happen. (Unless perhaps you are a master of magic and hypnotism, and even then I am not so sure.) Both the submissive and the Dominant have to understand this. Here is a clue: both submissives and Dominants are human beings. We humans make mistakes. We misunderstand; we communicate poorly; we make assumptions. Sometimes we just screw up. And sometimes submissives act up for reasons even they do not fully understand. Absolute compliance is not going to happen.

Full submission, however, is not necessarily the same as absolute compliance. This is why I ask what is meant by the word fully. Full submission means the submissive is fully submitting to the best of her ability. A Dominant gets a submissive to that point with patience, endurance, understanding, care, punishment, reward and time. As I said before, this is a journey. It will be among the most rewarding things you can do. Not because it is easy and quick, but exactly because it is neither easy nor quick.

If you have seen others in D/s make it seem easy, guess what, they took a long time to get there. Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers made dancing look easy. And it only took hours of practice and dozens of takes to make it look that way. Bruce Lee and Jackie Chan have made martial arts look easy. But only because they spent decades learning their craft. Chefs on television make preparing gourmet meals look easy, but only because they have spent years learning the skills and techniques that let them do certain things with ease. None of this is to say you, O reader, cannot become good at these things or at D/s. The point is, getting good at it takes time. Be patient.

Over time, the submissive will more fully be in submission. Even when it seems the submissive has gone as far as she can go, she may yet find she can and will submit even further. But this takes time. It requires the Dominant to pay attention to his sub, to learn about her, to understand her, to care for her. It requires trust and honesty and patience.

One of the failings of our society is that too often people seem to want to have all possible benefits right now. Some people want the perfect relationship from the moment they meet “the one.” Life does not work that way. Not in vanilla relationships and certainly not in D/s.

Set aside the romantic ideas. Set aside the expectations. Look at who you are. Look at who the other person is. Face the reality of the situation now, and it will make understanding how to get to where you want to go a little easier. Romantic ideas are good, but you should never let them obfuscate the reality. I am not saying be nit-picky. I am saying, know yourself, know the other person as they are, not as you want them to be. Communicate. Know what you want. Learn what the other person wants. Be patient. Learn to trust. Learn to be trustworthy. Take your time. Do it right. Then communicate, learn and be patient some more. That is how you build a D/s relationship. That is how you get a submissive to fully submit.

And if you are lucky, in time someone may look at you and wonder why it seems so easy for you.

3 Responses to “A Little Reality about D/s”

  1. Bravo, very well written and so true! Again, Patience and integrity come into mind when I think of my relationship with my everything, my dominant and best friend. We are just beginning and he talks just like you, so much so that you could be him and this might be his blog.(just weird how your words mimick his) He is 59 and I am 44 but he has so much knowlege and experiences to share that everday I learn something new about myself and what life can truly be like. He knows me and is constantly asking everything about me, he is under my skin and in everybreath I take. I am constantly seeking information from him as I want to learn everthing about him to help me please him from the inside out. I need to know not just about his sexual desires and requirements, but his character and heart, he is so beautiful. He thinks I dont remember when he tells me something about himself, I remember and bring it up at a later time, as he knows I give him the same love and respect he always gives me. He never shows anger and knows that when I falter, to get back up move forward and learn from my mistakes. He admits his mistakes(not many) and grows as well. I make him laugh and look forward to learning even more about him and myself. What a journey! Its well worth it.

  2. Xajow,
    This is a great read. I accidentally found this. Please consider re-posting this article. It’s as relevant now as it was 3 years ago. I believe it would help a lot of D/s couples and newbies. Thank you.

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